‘Tis the gift-giving season, which means there’s no better time to buy useless trinkets for people who may or may not want them. If you’re looking for odd products of dubious usefulness, look no further than this article (which is itself dubiously useful). And here we go!

The Backseat Driver GPS

Traveling for the holidays? You probably navigate with an app on your phone. But does your app offer the added benefit of criticizing your driving?

The Backseat Driver GPS does! It gives immediate and constant feedback, whether or not you want it. Just enter your destination and let your device berate you the rest of the way. Here are several suggestions you might receive:

  • “Come on, just go, they’re letting you in!”
  • “That’s not how you parallel park.”
  • “Honk at that guy! Honk at him!”

And so on. As you can see, the Backseat Driver GPS combines the convenience of voice navigation with the added frustration of a backseat driver. Never leave home without it.

A Subscription to Christmas Prime Plus +

Christmas Prime Plus + is the newest streaming service designed for the people who watched The Princess Switch enough to turn it into a trilogy. If you want a catalog composed of sappy, formulaic Christmas movies, you’ve got it. Here’s the basic template of all our films:

A plucky, career-oriented young woman who works at [insert for-profit office job in major metropolitan city] returns home to [some midwestern town people would describe as “cozy”] for the holidays and reconnects with [dude name], an old high school flame who’s [handsome, sensitive, a little vacant, but handsome, beloved by the townsfolk, successful, and very handsome]. Now she must choose between the career she has and the life she always wanted, [something wholesome, like a bakery shop owner]. But will she do it? [Yes.]

Start your free trial of Christmas Prime Plus + today!

The Pre-Stuffed Stocking

Stocking stuffers are a mainstay of the holiday season—not that any of us understand why. The little tchotchkes shouldn’t take the shine from the big-ticket items. So let us do the stuffing for you.

Candy canes, fuzzy socks, Amazon gift cards—they’re all mindlessly jammed inside so you don’t have to do it. Just note: The material is highly flammable, so if you hang these on the mantel, have a fire extinguisher handy.

(Disclaimer: Fire extinguisher not included.)

The Little Drummer Boy

We all know this holiday hit made famous by Justin Bieber. And there’s nothing we want more than to hear it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. And over.

Fortunately, we’ve got a solution. The Little Drummer Boy himself! This eight-inch-tall animatronic plastic little boy just plays “The Little Drummer Boy” on repeat, over and over and over and over again. His favorite line is “ba-rumpa-bum-bum,” and he says it constantly.

Best of all, there’s no volume control or power switch, and the batteries are tucked beneath a bulletproof glass shield. So once this little lad starts drumming, there’s no stopping him until at least 2033. Talk about Christmas cheer!

Wrapping Paper Scraps

Ever noticed how babies are more interested in wrapping paper than the actual gift inside? Well, what if the gift inside the wrapping paper was…more wrapping paper?

This product comes in a variety of textures, colors, and shapes. Just scatter some on the floor and watch in amazement as your baby ignores her brand new hundred-dollar life-sized teddy bear. Plus, the paper is acid-free, so if your dog eats it, you’ll save on your vet bill!

The PermaTree

Whether you build a fake tree every year or chop one down in cold blood, the setup is always a pain. Lugging it in, finding the perfect spot, hanging the ornaments…it’s a backbreaking holiday tradition most likely invented by Krampus. Now we can avoid it, thanks to the PermaTree!

After a brief consultation with our installation experts, we’ll come in and root your tree. We use the verb “root” in the sense of “rooted to the spot,” because it’s not moving. Like, ever again. Our advanced poly-thyrene hypermetal setting and coating makes your tree a permanent fixture of your house. Once it’s there, it’s there for life. Now you really can have Christmas in July!

The Covid Home Test Magic 8 Ball

“Hey Magic 8 Ball, do I have the Omicron variant?”

“Reply hazy, try again.”

With a remarkable success rate of [undisclosed], the Covid Home Test Magic 8 Ball is a fun way to determine whether you should host that holiday rager you’ve always wanted. Behold as your relatives contort this into some sort of political statement!

The iDiaper

Being a parent for a month-and-a-half now, I know the pain of inspecting my daughter’s diaper. She can really poop, and it’s no fun to snuffle her rump just to find out if she’s done so recently. That’s why I personally recommend the iDiaper.

Made by everyone’s favorite Silicon Valley tech overlords, the iDiaper puts Siri in your baby’s butt. Next time she poops, pees, or even farts, Siri will give you a helpful heads-up. Just like on your phone, she even responds to verbal commands, such as…

Me: “Hey Siri, thanks for letting me know Sasha took a dump. Can you please clean it for me?”

Siri: “Oh hell no. That’s your job.”

Get your iDiaper soon, before the iDiaper 25 Max Pro Plus comes out and makes the previous model obsolete. Only $499.99 per unit!

Happy Holidays!

We hope these lousy gifts make your spirits bright this holiday season.

Kyle A. Massa is a fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.