Cake. Syrup. Mousse. Cookies. Pudding.
Those desserts (and so many more) would suffer without chocolate. Yes, reader, that’s the bleak scenario we’re examining today. In a world without chocolate…
…Things Would Get Gloomy
That’s the word my wife used to describe this alternate reality, along with a sad sigh. Sorry to bum you out, Sara.
…Several Holidays Would Die
We have numerous choco-based holidays, including Easter, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day. Without the chocolate, what would we be celebrating? Rabbits? Pumpkin mutilation? Love? Come on now.
Of those three holidays, Halloween would have it worst, since the entire conceit of the night is stuffing yourself with chocolate until you puke, all while pretending to be someone else to hide your shame. And without chocolate, Milky Way, Twix, and Snickers are out, leaving whatever’s left in people’s cupboards. Hope you like expired Saltines, kids.
…Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Would Need a New Setting
Maybe not the worst thing, since both versions of this film are super creepy. I’ve never read the book, but knowing Roald Dahl, it’s probably just as disturbing—if not more so.
Also, did you know there’s a prequel movie slated for release next year? It’s an origin story for Willy Wonka, because apparently we needed the Dahl Cinematic Universe.
…Matilda Would Be More Enjoyable
Speaking of movies, Matilda is another DCU film, the one where school faculty forces some kid to eat an entire chocolate cake, solo. For many, this would be a delight. However, this particular cake is made from the “sweat and blood” of the lunch lady.
It’s a grotesque sequence, enough so that it ruined chocolate cake for my sister for at least a few months. Quite the astounding feat considering she requested a seven-layer chocolate cake for her birthday one year (my mom vetoed that idea).
…Peanut Butter Would Lose a Longtime Ally
As they so frequently remind us on Reese’s commercials, chocolate and peanut butter go together like Jagger and Richards (except for the 80s). Peanut butter would still have jelly and fluff, I suppose, but jelly is messy and fluff is objectively gross.
…Vanilla Would Own a De Facto Monopoly Over Soft Serve Ice Cream
As it stands, our standard soft serve options are vanilla and chocolate. Without the latter, we’d have no selection, not even a twist. I’ve never been partial to soft serve chocolate, but even I must admit, this sounds like slim pickings.
…Count Chocula Would Need a Rebrand
To what, Count Vanilla? Vanilla is literally synonymous with boring. We can’t have that.
…The Cookie Monster Would Lose His Favorite Cookie
I recommend the snickerdoodle as a replacement, both for the taste and the name.
…Cookie Crisp Would Cease to Exist
Maybe not a bad thing; it’s the antithesis of nutrition. I don’t understand why the FDA ever approved the stuff. Also, if we’ve learned anything from the last three points, it’s that a world without chocolate would decimate many people’s childhoods.
…No More Chocolataires
Did you know such a thing was a thing? Because I didn’t.
Not to be confused with a chocolatier, chocolataires are parties where every food and beverage served contains some form of chocolate. Apparently, this type of shindig was biggest in the early 1900s. (This is all according to Wikipedia, so if I’m the victim of an elaborate trolling, I apologize.)
Such a party would be tough to hold without chocolate. Truth be told, I’m just trying to imagine the menu with chocolate. Something like this…?
- Hors d’oeuvres: Cocoa Puffs, fudge Pop Tarts, and random chocolates from a Whitman’s Sampler
- Drink of the evening: Chocolate milk
- First course: A traditional Caesar salad doused in Hershey’s syrup in lieu of dressing
- Second course: A slice of pepperoni pizza (the pepperonis are Reese’s Cups)
- Third course: A seemingly normal pork roast, only someone injected the meat with searing hot fudge
- Dessert: Chocolate ice cream topped with chocolate sauce and chocolate sprinkles, packed with chocolate chips and chocolate chunks, all floating on a bed of chocolate mousse, served with Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing” playing in the background
- Party favor: Lines of cocoa powder that you snort off a golden platter
Hmm. Maybe we’d be better off if these never existed.
…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting
We all need a little chocolate in our lives from time to time, else things would definitely get gloomy. For my wife’s sake, I’m glad it’s still here.
Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.
The subject for this article came from a reader named Cherry. Thanks, Cherry! You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.
