Heinrich Klaffs, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons, modified by the author using Canva
Full disclosure, reader: This won’t be an objective piece.
Not that any entry in this series has been (or will be). Still, I thought I should state that upfront, because when it comes to this subject, I am entirely biased. The Who is my all-time favorite band.
Though I’d rather never contemplate a world without them, we’ll do it here to highlight their importance. In a world without the Who…
…The Incredibles Wouldn’t Exist
In 1999, a guy named Brad Bird directed a movie called The Iron Giant. Due to the critical success of that film, Pixar Animation Studios gave Bird the greenlight to write and direct another animated feature: The Incredibles. We all know what happened next: Reddit users posted numerous memes about Elastigirl being thicc.
What do the Who have to do with all this? Well, Who guitarist Pete Townshend adapted The Iron Man, a novel by Ted Hughes, into a musical of the same name. Warner Bros. purchased the film rights to that album, and it soon became Bird’s The Iron Giant.
Therefore, no Who, no Incredibles. You’re welcome, Reddit.
…Punk Rock Would Be Gone
The Who was one of the chief inspirations behind punk rock, particularly the aggressive, power-cord-slamming style of guitarist Pete Townshend. Bands such as the Clash, Sex Pistols, Green Day, and the Ramones have either covered songs by the Who or cited them as influences.
So, by extension, this world we’re imagining would also miss classic tunes like “Rock the Kasbah,” “Anarchy in the UK,” and “American Idiot.” And who could forget everybody’s favorite Ramones song, “Pet Sematary”?
…What Would CSI Do?
They have like 10 spinoffs, and all of them bastardize Who songs for their opening credits. I’m still waiting for CSI: Portland, which would use something weird, e.g. “Boris the Spider.”
…No More Animal from the Muppets
That’s because Animal is based on the Who’s original drummer, Keith Moon.
Moon really was some sort of animal. For example, on his 21st birthday, he committed the following acts at a Holiday Inn in Flint, Michigan:
- Got very drunk
- Chipped half his front tooth
- Started a food fight
- Set off numerous fire extinguishers
- Drove a Lincoln Continental into the swimming pool (this claim has since been disputed)
This all cost an alleged $24,000 in property damage, which was worth quite a bit more in 1967. Most of us get sloppy on our 21st birthdays—but not 24k-sloppy. For comparison, here’s what I did on mine:
- Drank legally
- Dined at Ithaca’s finest restaurant: Sammy’s Pizza
- Capped off the night with some Call of Duty: Black Ops
I suppose my Venn diagram overlapped with Moon’s on the “got very drunk” part. But hey, nobody ever based a Muppets character on me.
…Yet.
…The Rock Opera Would Be a Lost Art
The Who’s Tommy was the first. Without its pioneering presence, would we have such classics as David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, or The Simpsons’ Simpsons Christmas Boogie? I think not.
…Smashing Guitars Would Be Considered Vandalism
Yes, Mr. Townshend was the first man to smash a guitar for the spectacle. He was inspired to do so by artist Gustav Metzger, who destroyed his own work as a mode of artistic expression. Pete did the same, forcing the band to glue their instruments back together in their early days, when they lacked the funds to replace them.
…In the Year 2010, a Vegetable Platter Might’ve Been Saved
During Super Bowl XLIV, the Who played the halftime show. And somewhere, some overenthusiastic viewer did a Pete Townshend windmill air-guitar move, knocking over somebody’s veggie tray at their Super Bowl party. I’m almost certain this happened.
My friend Jimmy maintains this was the worst halftime performance in Super Bowl history, but as I’ve said, I’m biased. I’ll admit, Pete’s shirt kept flying up during those aforementioned windmill moves, revealing his old man stomach beneath.
Yet still, it’s hard to get much worse than 2019, which featured shirtless Adam Levine, 30 seconds of Travis Scott, half of Outkast, and for some reason, SpongeBob SquarePants.
…Young Kyle Would’ve Gotten More Sleep
I recall one night in high school where I stayed up late listening to Tommy and getting very emotional, I think after being rejected by a girl or something. Emo much?
Oh, and also, I downloaded all the Who’s DLC songs on Rock Band 2 and played them ad nauseam in my dad’s basement, usually at night. If you thought the Who’s cover of “Young Man Blues” from Live at Leeds was good, wait ’til you get a load of mine.
…Sports Teams Would Have Shorter Pregame Playlists
I swear, every time I tune in to a Giants game, they’re playing “Baba O’Riley.” Of course, they never play “My Generation,” because that would offend the geriatric fans.
That reminds me of a story. You may not have known this, reader, but I’m in a band. We’re called Hurricane Betty, and we once played a pool party at a dude’s house (we dubbed him “Cabana Bob,” owing to his sick backyard cabana). Sometime during the party, Bob announced one of his guests was celebrating their 60th birthday. Everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” and all was well.
Two songs later, we played “My Generation.” My brother-in-law Dan (and our band leader) changed the most famous line in the song to this: “I hope I die before I turn 60.”
Paradoxically, Cabana Bob still invited us back the following year. Probably couldn’t find another band that would play for free.
…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting
Speaking for millions of fans throughout the world, I’m glad the Who exists. Now please excuse me while I go queue up a little Quadrophenia.
Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.
You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.
