Kyle. It’s a name you might’ve heard before. It also happens to be my name. My parents gave it to me, as it were, and there are many more of us out there. Today, we’re going to celebrate ourselves.
How? By imagining the sad, bleak state of affairs without us. And so, in a world without Kyles…
…There Would Be No Modern Film Adaption of Dune
I’m about to do some hypothetical gymnastics, so watch closely. In 2021, director Denis Villeneuve adapted the classic science-fiction epic Dune into a smash hit. However, it was also adapted less successfully in 1984 by notorious weirdo David Lynch. In that version, guess who played the protagonist? Kyle MacLachlan. That’s right—even in futuristic sci-fi worlds, we need Kyles.
However, without MacLachlan and his largely panned adaptation, which Roger Ebert described as “a real mess,” would a fresh Dune adaptation feel so necessary? I think not.
So thanks, Kyle MacLachlan, for helping to make a crappy movie.
…Batman Would Be Even More Emo Than Usual
It’s hard to say which of the following billionaires is kookier: Bruce Wayne or Elon Musk. Yet only one dresses up like a bat and beats up criminals at night. You guessed right. It’s Elon.
Yes, Batman has issues. And I suspect he’d have even more without his girlfriend.
Who is Batman‘s girlfriend, you ask? Well, following the chronology of the Christopher Nolan films, Batman gets together with Catwoman. I can’t imagine your average cat showing sexual interest in a bat, but that’s not the point. The point is, Catwoman’s real name is Selena Kyle.
Therefore, in a world without Kyles, there would be no Selena, and without Selena, Batman would be even more of a grump.
…I Would Lose a Treasured Friend
Procrastination leads to some of my strangest ideas, so one day while procrastinating at college, I searched Facebook for other people with my name. I friended the first result. His profile picture was himself wearing Joker makeup, which helped.
The other Kyle Massa readily accepted my request, and we’ve had a superficial cyber kinship ever since. It appears he was recently married (to a Kylie, I presume). Congratulations, my fellow Kyle!
…We’d Never Have Race Car Drivers Kyle Bush and Kyle Petty
And I couldn’t care less.
…I Might’ve Achieved More
I’ve been addicted to a great many video games in my life, one of them being Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones for Gameboy Advance. Think of it like chess, except all your pieces are anime characters with unlikely hair colors.
The game features numerous warriors, one of whom being a cavalier named Kyle. I can’t recall any characteristics of Kyle, other than him being named Kyle and having green hair (see my earlier comment). However, since we shared a name, I spent all my time training Kyle to become the greatest knight in the realm.
Without Kyle, I might’ve enjoyed this game less, thereby doing more homework and getting better grades. So thanks a lot, Kyle. You kept me out of Cornell.
…Something Would Happen With South Park, I Suppose
I’m aware there’s a Kyle on South Park. However, I’ve only seen two episodes of this show, so I feel unqualified to comment further. I’ll say this: South Park fans sometimes greet me by exclaiming my name in the Cartman voice. In a world without Kyles, this would never happen.
…We’d Be Down an Important Musician
When researching this article, I came across one Kyle Bruckmann, a San Franciscan oboist. I’ve never heard him play or know anything about him beyond this fact, but the world has few enough oboists as it is.
…Godzilla vs. Kong Would Be Completely Unchanged
Kyle Chandler is an actor, and one of the stars of this film. Allegedly.
See, normally when you pull a lead actor from a movie, it altars the finished product. Try to imagine Star Wars without Harrison Ford. Not so much with Godzilla vs. Kong, a movie so primitively appealing that you could remove Mr. Chandler—along with all the other humans in the cast—and still have a great movie.
I would know. I watched it on a plane, and though I could only hear roughly 67% of the dialogue, I greatly enjoyed the monkey and the lizard walloping each other with skyscrapers. I’ll have to see the sequel.
…Kyle XY Would Never Have Gotten the Green Light
I must be a bad Kyle, because this is another Kyle IP I know nothing about. I just remember seeing ads for it when I was a kid and thinking, Wow. That looks crappy.
Turns out it must’ve been, because it only lasted three seasons. I mean, here’s the Wikipedia description: “Kyle XY is an American science fiction television series…[about] a teenage boy who awakens naked in a forest outside Seattle, Washington, with amnesia and no belly button.” I’ve been to Seattle twice, and neither time did I wake up naked in the woods or misplace my belly button.
Anyhoo, this show never would’ve aired under any other name. Phil XY? Burt XY? Francois XY? They just don’t have the same ring.
…The World Would Lose a Jeopardy! Question
Me: I’ll take “Dual Threats” for two-hundred, Aaron.
Aaron Rodgers: This Canadian was the first person to play both baseball and ice hockey professionally. Kyle?
Me: Who is Andy Kyle?
Aaron Rodgers: Nicely done. I can see you know your Kyles.
Why is Aaron Rodgers still hosting Jeopardy! in my hypothetical? Because he blew out the other achilles.
At any rate, I stumbled across this factoid in my research, and I suspect the only place it would appear is everyone’s favorite gameshow. Somehow, I don’t think it would work for The Masked Singer.
…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting
Treasure all the Kyles in your life. You could’ve lived in a world without them, a world like I just described, and that would’ve been a tragedy.
Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.
