You may love them, you may hate them, but either way, I’m sure you know all about vampires. In today’s edition of “The World Without,” we’ll examine life in their absence. So, in a world without vampires…
…There Would Be Fewer Great Basketball Players
But why is that, Kyle? you must be wondering. What do basketball players and vampires have in common?
Don’t ask me. Ask my mom and sister.
When I was in high school, Mom and Emily watched a series called Moonlight. The premise: A vampire with the unlikely name of Mick St. John works as a private investigator somewhere. (Chicago, maybe? It definitely wasn’t Transylvania.) They didn’t actually like the show—they just thought it was hilariously bad. I agreed.
In one episode, Mick St. John finds himself in a college gymnasium, where he splashes several no-look half-court shots, which he can do because he’s a vampire, I guess.
So. If we’re to believe the vampire mythology of Moonlight, does that mean all our greatest basketball players are, in fact, vampires? It would explain LeBron’s agelessness…
…Transylvania Would Lose A Cultural Calling Card
I wish I could say Transylvania is a land of champion pole vaulters. Maybe it is. However, many people know it best as vampire HQ, thanks to Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I suppose there are worse things your region could be known for, i.e. Sokovia, which is best known for getting wrecked by Ultron.
…Kids Would Be Lousy at Counting
Without vampires, there’s no Count from Sesame Street, and without the Count, kids would count worse than King Arthur in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Yes, there are endless books on that subject, and true, countless other cartoon characters perform the same function. Yet did their laughs inspire the laugh of Jared Leto’s Joker? I think not.
…We’d Lose One of the Greatest Films of All Time
I don’t mean Murnau’s Nosferatu. I don’t mean Universal’s Dracula. I certainly don’t mean Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I’m talking about Stephen Sommers’s 2004 masterpiece, Van Helsing.
Seriously, I ride for this movie. I’ve already written about it before. Though it was a financial success, Van Helsing was critically panned, and I’ve never understood why. Sure, the accents are bad, the story is implausible, and it pretty much only appeals to 12-year-old boys. Yet if you were 12 when the film premiered (i.e. me), you’d understand.
Dracula serves as the film’s antagonist, and Australian actor Richard Roxburgh plays him with such gleeful camp that the whole movie would collapse without him. I mean, he pronounces the word “laboratory” with all five syllables. The Count would approve!
…Banana Boat Would Sink
Let’s assume, for a moment, that vampires exist. They’re often portrayed as sexy, pale, and allergic to sunlight. If they ever want to walk their dogs, they must venture outside during the day. To do so, they must apply sunscreen, and lots of it.
That’s where Banana Boat comes in. If vampires exist, I bet they’re keeping that Boat afloat, along with numerous other sunscreen brands. They can skip Coppertone, though—that logo is creepy.
…The Nicolas Cage Filmography Would Be Shortened By Two
Which might not matter in the grand scheme of things, since Nic is so prolific (and virtuosic, I might add). Still, you can’t make a vampire movie without vampires, so 1989’s Vampire’s Kiss and 2023’s Renfield would vanish.
I skipped the latter because I heard it was bad, but I watched the former, ironically, for the same reason. Vampire’s Kiss is a bizarre film in which Nic has a one-night stand with a woman he comes to believe is a vampire, giving him vampiric tendencies himself.
It’s one of Cage’s most unhinged performances. In one scene, he sprints down a street, arms rigid at his sides, shouting, “I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire!” In another, he bellows the entire alphabet, getting a little more manic with each letter.
Would I recommend this film? No. Am I glad it exists? In the words of Nicolas Cage, “Yeeeeeah!” (I’m sure he said that in one of his movies.)
…Parents Would Be Less Concerned
Because of Twilight. Are you surprised it took me this long to get to it?
Not to be confused with Moonlight, Twilight launched a new wave of vampire obsession. It also turned them into sparkling child predators, but we won’t dwell on that.
I was a teenager at the height of this craze, so I still remember seeing my peers—yes, usually girls—hunched over those bleak black covers. I even watched the movies with some of them, though I always left the theater baffled. If you were immortal, why would you choose to attend high school forever? Why is Edward so controlling and creepy? Why do all the werewolves wear matching jorts?
Alas, I never got answers to these questions. Neither did anyone’s parents, even if they were brave enough to ask. Fortunately, this series seems to have less staying power than say, Harry Potter, so maybe we’ll never need to relive this craze. Though I’m sure they’re due for a reboot…
…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting
Thanks, vampires. You’ve given me something to write about.
Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.