I tried watching Hard Knocks this year. I really did. But it became too depressing.
Welcome to my annual preview of the upcoming New York Giants football season, where I either grossly over- or underestimate just how competent they’ll be. And so, without further ado…
So Long, Saquon
The Giants’ most significant offseason change is running back Saquon Barkley’s departure. I wish I could call it a prudent cost-cutting maneuver, but when have sports fans ever rooted for prudence and/or cost-cutting?
Seemed more like hubris to me. The Giants didn’t think anyone would pay Saquon, yet someone did—an obnoxious, green, winged sort of someone whose name I will not utter here.
Losing Saquon was like having your best friend move away, only you find out he’s moving to Pennsylvania to join some schoolyard bullies, one of whom goes by the nom de plume “Big Dom,” and now your former best friend and his new bully pals beat the shit out of you twice a year, every year, all because Joe Schoen misread the market. What joy.
The New Guys
The Giants signed Devin “Motor” Singletary to replace Saquon. No offense to Devin, but that’s like replacing a Corvette with a Segway. Furthermore, it puts to the test my longstanding theory that guys with cool nicknames get overrated. Take Marquise “Hollywood” Brown, for instance, who’s posted only a single thousand-yard season in five years, yet now signs with the Super Bowl champs. Maybe if I had a better nickname, I’d be more successful, too. “Big Kyle,” perhaps?
The Giants also traded for Brian Burns and drafted Malik Nabers, which are far more impactful moves. Adding Burns to a defense that features Dexter Lawrence, Kayvon Thibodeaux, and Bobby Okereke gives us a formidable front. If new Defensive Coordinator Shane Bowen is any good, this could be the team’s strength.
As for Nabers, the hype is real. I’ve heard comparisons to Odell, which would be a welcome upgrade over the corpse of Darren Waller and the ghost of Kenny Golladay. Finding quarterback Daniel Jones a legitimate #1 option is long overdue. Which leads to my next topic…
Can We Trust Daniel Jones?
Probably not—though I’ve been wrong about him before. In 2021, I was out on Jones. In ’22, I was back in. In ’23, the Seattle Seahawks sacked him 10 times in one game, so I was, once again, out.
I’m still out. I think. On one hand, Jones plays best when expectations are lowest (see 2022). On the other, he threw three times more interceptions than touchdowns last season. Also, he injured his neck. Also, he tore his ACL. Also, his offensive line hasn’t improved much.
The good news is, we have Tommy DeVito.
Look, I’m Being Serious
Not to be confused with Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, Tommy DeVito is one of the Giants’ reserve quarterbacks. He’s also the only reason I had any fun watching the team last season. I mean, who else has an agent who cosplays as Frank Sinatra?
Still, I feel like I’m on DeVito Island here. He’s third on the depth chart behind Drew Locke, whose only claim to fame is being a slight improvement over Paxton Lynch. Look, DeVito might not be physically gifted, fundamentally sound, or domestically independent, but he’s got heart, baby, heart. Plus, the Giants played best with Tommy at quarterback, winning three straight, including a thrilling victory over the NFC runner-up Green Bay Packers.
Is Tommy DeVito the next Tom Brady? No. Is he Italian? Yes. Stereotypically so. And you know who else was? Rocky Balboa. And was he a champion? Yes, and also a movie star. So, for now at least, you can still find me chilling on DeVito Island.
My Prognostication
I think the Giants will play a smidge better than people anticipate. Yes, a metric smidge. FanDuel set their over/under at six-and-a-half, and I believe they’ll win seven. Maybe eight.
First, their defense looks formidable. Lawrence, Burns, Thibodeaux, and Ojulari should provide a ferocious pass rush upfront, and Jason Pinnock and Deonte Banks should offer solid backup in the secondary. The Giants have also enjoyed great luck with second-round safeties in years past (see Xavier McKinney and Landon Collins), so hopefully this year’s selection, Tyler Nubin, will continue the trend.
Second, I still believe in Brian Daboll. The beginning of last season was hideous, yes, but he salvaged six wins from a year riddled with injuries on both sides of the ball. Plus, they slaughtered those evil Eagles in Week 18, in a game necessary for seeding. Daboll won Coach of the Year for a reason, and I think he’ll remind everyone why this season.
Third, the division is diminished. The Commanders improved, but the Eagles have questions and the Cowboys have even more. Nobody ever wins the NFC East in consecutive seasons, so could this year be New York’s?
No
Like I said, I think they’ll have a slight, though not drastic, improvement. From there, maybe they can add a quarterback who doesn’t pass to his opponents more frequently than his teammates and/or doesn’t still live with his parents.
Until then, I’ll still be watching. Tune in with me on September 8 at 1pm, when the Giants will probably lose to Sam Darnold and the Minnesota Vikings. Can’t wait.
Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.