Above: A corporate stooge who appears to be late for work.
I’m secure in my current employment, but you never know when you might get fired. With that thought in mind, here are some jobs I’m halfway interested in.
1. Seat-Filler
Apparently, award show broadcasts look bad if even a single seat is vacant. That’s where us seat-fillers swoop in. See an empty seat? Fill it. Feel like smiling? Good, because we’re back from commercial break in five, four, three…
I wonder what happens when official guests return from the bar or bathroom or wherever they were, only to find a seat-filler filling their seat. Like, imagine I leapt into an open seat, sat there for three minutes with a giant smile on my face, then felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and there’s Harrison Ford.
“That’s my seat,” he’d growl, then he’d transform into Red Hulk and hurl me through the ceiling, and just picture the headlines in the gossip columns.
2. Third-String Quarterback
This job is sweet for three reasons. First, you get paid six or seven figures to stand on the sidelines holding a Microsoft Surface Pro. Second, you probably won’t get squashed by a 300-pound lineman (except during the preseason). Third, if you somehow find yourself in a regular season game, expectations are so low that any success, no matter how fleeting, will be met with raucous applause (see 2023 Tommy DeVito). Sign me now!
3. Casting Director
Hand picking famous and talented people to appear in multi-million dollar productions sounds fun. So fun, in fact, that randos do it on Reddit every day for their favorite yet-to-be-adapted properties. Sometimes the studios even listen, like when Marvel cast John Krasinski as Mr. Fantastic in Doctor Strange because fans wanted it so bad.
My Achilles heel would be casting Nicolas Cage too frequently. For example, if I was casting Achilles, I’d choose Nic. And I know Cage shouldn’t play Snape in the upcoming Harry Potter reboots—but I still want to see it.
4. Personal Chef
I kind of already have this job, since I cook for the family most evenings. However, if you hire me, you’ll notice I have earbuds in, because I’m listening to Limited Resources the whole time. And if you get my attention to ask what’s for dinner, I’ll have to admit that it’s HelloFresh, because I require step-by-step instructions. And P.S.: I don’t take requests.
5. Food Taste Tester
Speaking of food, I like food.
6. Green Day Cover Band Member
This is another thing I kind of already do. I play in a garage band with my friends Jimmy and Tuna, plus my brother-in-law Dan. If you want to get technical, we’re technically a basement band, because the garage is a mess. We perform three Green Day songs, and I sing them all.
What songs? You’ll have to attend a show to find out. Granted, we haven’t emerged from the basement to play anywhere just yet—but someday we might.
7. Trucker
I’ve sometimes fantasized about the open road, revving my engine under a clear blue sky while all of America blazes by, a whole country just waiting for my 18 wheels to roll on over.
…And then I come to a traffic jam, and after the 20th minute of a bumper-to-bumper stop-and-go logjam, I remember, Oh yeah. I fucking hate driving.
8. Claw Machine Consultant
I’ve earned three lifetime wins at the standard arcade claw machine, which is three times more than most other humans. This is why I’m ready to start my own business.
My plan is to camp outside claw machines, wherever they may be. That’s usually malls or movie theater lobbies, in my experience, along with Chuck E. Cheese. I’ll just stand there and hawk my services, like a peddler on a wharf in Tortuga. When people accept (if they accept), I’ll shout advice at them while their timer runs down. If they ask me to take the controls for them, I can—though that’ll cost extra.
Are results guaranteed? No, of course not. It’s a freaking claw machine.
If this sounds unsatisfying, that’s because consultations often are (just ask the New York Jets). Which leads me to my next point.
9. Consultant
When you get old and wise and retired enough, you can take calls from home about your area of expertise, then bill desperate losers hundreds of dollars per hour for your time.
The problem here is the area of expertise bit. I think mine is writing, but since I make chump change as a writer, I don’t believe I’m qualified to consult about it. I might instead opt for the aforementioned claw machine, but who was I kidding with that?
The only other topic I might consult for is Magic: The Gathering, since I’ve played it longer than many people have been alive. Problem is, actual factual professional Magic players already do this, so if I tried to upstage them, I’d embarrass myself even more than I already have with this blog post.
Thanks for Reading
I’ll be keeping my job, thanks. Here’s hoping I don’t get fired.
Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.