The World Without Childhood

Kids, take it from the wise old man who wrote this article: You don’t know how good you have it. In a world without childhood…

—But First, Some Ground Rules

If there’s no childhood, I’m assuming everybody emerges as a fully formed adult, complete with pubic hair and a credit score. And if we assume this, we also have to assume…

…Giving Birth Would Be Even More Painful

Shoutout to my mom.

…The Phrase “Back In My Day” Would Never Be Spoken

May as well be a meme, but it’s a phrase uttered by any older person trying to teach a younger person a lesson, whether said younger person asked for said lesson or not. A few examples:

• “Back in my day, our go-to search engine was Ask Jeeves.”
• “Back in my day, people thought Dane Cook was funny.”
• “Back in my day, people still used the phrase ‘back in my day.’”
• “Back in my day—”

Alright, we get it, old-timer. “Back in my day” is a tedious statement to use, let alone hear. However, it’s kind of hard not to use it, especially as you age. I apologize in advance, Gen Alpha.

…Trauma Would Be Redefined

Without childhood, we’d lose some classics, like walking in on your parents having sex. Which would be even more complicated because, nine months later, out would pop your fully formed adult sibling.

Without this weirdness, we’d have to get by with good old-fashioned adult trauma, such as car loans, colonoscopies, and watching the New York Giants try to field a functional team.

…No More Child Actors

Speaking of profiteering trauma, as I mentioned in the coffee chapter, I once interned in Los Angeles. Our housing was a long-term lease apartment complex in Burbank, down the street from Warner Bros. Studios. It was a sweet place, complete with its own mini-mart featuring some unique decorations: Signed headshots of child actors on the walls. These headshots belonged to current and former residents, all of whom visited LA pursuing the somewhat strange dream of being child actors.

I’d spot roving packs of them prowling the premises, often appearing bored and/or feral. Evidently, these children were searching for activities between guest spots on Sesame Street.

One day, my friend Connor and I were driving somewhere. It must’ve been somewhere important, since driving three-plus blocks in LA is an hour-plus commitment. As I steered out of the parking garage, I turned to my right and yelped.

Some kid had pressed her face to the glass of the passenger side window. Our car jolted, and in the rear-view mirror, I glimpsed some other kid bouncing on our car’s bumper. A fresh horde advanced on our left, and that’s when I peeled out before the child actors could swarm.

On reflection, maybe I misread the situation. Maybe they just mistook us for agents.

…Horror Movies Would Lose A Classic Trope

If my last anecdote reminded you of Stephen King’s Children of the Corn, you’re not alone. Creepy kids became a horror classic even before King published that short story in 1977, dating back to Henry James’s 1898 novella The Turn of the Screw and even earlier. I mean, the ancient Romans had Cupid, that naked little chubby kid who shoots arrows at horny adults, and that remains creepy to this day.

…Scooby-Doo Would’ve Never Aired

Never mind that Scooby-Doo is a kids’ show. Without childhood, it wouldn’t have that overdone line about you meddling kids and that dog and whatever.

I’ll be honest: I wouldn’t mind a world without Scooby-Doo. Even as a kid, I remember finding every episode’s plot utterly predictable. It’s always some unscrupulous businessman using a local legend to divert public attention from his illegal acts. Spare me.

…Adults Would Have Less To Grumble About

Analogous to the “back in my day” statement is the “kids these days” exclamation. You know what I mean…

• “Kids these days can’t hold a conversation.”
• “Kids these days like their Stanley drinking cups too much.”
• “Kids these days play their TikTok videos out loud on full blast and it’s really goddamn annoying.”

The first two points were gross and unfair generalizations that I mention to underscore how stupid the whole “kids these days” thing is. The last one is an actual grievance. I have no problem with TikTok, kids, but if you’re going to watch cooking videos or Euphoria clips or whatever it is you’re watching, put in your AirPods, because I know you have them.

…Commodified Childhood Nostalgia Products Would Never Get Made

Series reboots. Stranger Things. Whatever the hell they’re doing with 90s night at the local bar. If a business can turn your beloved childhood memories into something they can sell, they will.

Without nostalgic products in the zeitgeist, perhaps we’d see the opposite: Future nostalgia. Not the Dua Lipa album—more like products that seem prescient at some point, yet become stupider the further into the future we get. Like Segways.

…Society Would Crumble

We wouldn’t have children without childhood, and without children we wouldn’t have children’s programming, and without children’s programing, we wouldn’t have Australian cartoon Bluey, which is perhaps the greatest kids’ cartoon since Arthur. It’s all about appreciating life while simultaneously forcing your parents to play whatever game you want, whenever you want, whether or not they’re available.

Without Bluey showing our kids the wholesomeness of life, they’d surely grow up to be murderers and thieves (if they haven’t already).

So thanks, Australia. You and that blue heeler are saving the world, one tight 10-minute episode at a time.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

This is an excerpt from my new book, The World Without Various Stuff. Pre-order your copy at this link!