Hello. This is Kyle. I’m writing you from a time long past: January 5, 2025, to be exact.
The New York Giants are playing the Philadelphia Eagles, but I’m not watching them. I can’t—spiritually and literally. Unlike most other Giants games, this isn’t being broadcast to the Albany area.
I have to assume this isn’t just a local blackout. It’s national. Maybe even worldwide. This Giants season has gotten so putrid I must assume the FDA has forbade its recording, for the betterment of the public good.
I’m thankful. This season has been an abomination, and I’ve tortured myself far too long. I’m just glad it’s over.
It’s been eight months since I mashed the above screed into my notes app, and in that time, like a rat eyeing the cheese in the trap, I’ve drawn ever closer to hopefulness. I know it’s dangerous, but it just smells so good…
The Records
Before we delve into the future, let’s get all nostalgic about last year’s historic run. I write “historic” because my Giants set all kinds of records, including the following:
- The Giants were the first team to be eliminated from 2024 playoff contention. Nice!
- In Week 2, they became the first team in 35 years to lose a game after scoring three touchdowns and allowing none. Amazing!
- They went 11 straight games without intercepting a pass, which is an NFL record. Outstanding!
- They narrowly avoided becoming the first team to ever lose nine home games in a single season, doing so by inexplicably pummeling the Colts when they really needed a loss to keep the No. 1 pick. Brilliant!
- And just a reminder, since 2017, how many times have the Giants beaten the Cowboys? Oh yeah, once! Wowza!
Giants owner John Mara said it best after the season ended: “I’ve just about run out of patience.” My thoughts exactly, Mr. Mara, sir. Sometimes I wonder if I should convert to being a Jets fan, which is really saying something.
The Offseason
The best part of this offseason was that there weren’t cameras around to record the incompetence. General manager Joe Schoen (who I’ve renamed “Joe Shame” until further notice) did not exactly distinguish himself last year. You know, because he allowed the team’s only star to depart to an arch rival, where said star posted historic numbers and helped said arch rival win a Super Bowl.
(You’ll notice I’m not using any proper nouns here, and that’s intentional. It still hurts too much.)
If I must concede any bright spots from the offseason, I’ll admit this looks like another solid draft class. Abdul Carter is Micah Parsons minus the podcast, and Cam Skattebo is basically a War Boy from Mad Max. And then there’s Jaxson Dart, who has a mullet. He also played for Ole Miss, and fans will remember a certain Giants legend who played there, too: One Mr. Eli “Runs Like a Baby Elephant” Manning.
Will Dart save the season? Hopefully. Will his name produce annoying puns for the rest of his career? Definitely.
Look, it’s not much, but it’s something. There were a few months there where it looked like Aaron Rodgers might become the new QB, and if that happened, I would’ve boycotted the season.
The Schedule
…Is brutal, for some reason.
The reward for a crappy season is usually a crappy schedule, and yet the Giants somehow received a harder slate than any other team.
This reeks of conspiracy (and if the aforementioned Aaron Rodgers can float such theories, so can I). I mean, do we really know who designs NFL schedules? Who’s to say it’s not aliens who all happen to be bandwagon Eagles fans?
The Coaches
Speaking of aliens, I wouldn’t mind if they abducted certain personnel from this coaching staff, if only for a week or two. In the case of Brian Daboll, it might be for his own good, since he looked angry enough to give himself an aneurism on the sidelines last year.
Offensive coordinator Mike “Franz” Kafka returns as well, which is even more baffling than the schedule, since they’ve ranked 15th, 30th, and 31st in points scored since he took over. It’s gotten so bad I’m getting nostalgic for Jason “The Clapper” Garrett.
Still, it’s hard to get much worse than second-to-last, and with three somewhat viable options at quarterback, things should improve. Hopefully. Maybe.
The Take
On paper at least, the Giants have an improved QB room, a world-class pass rush, and some decent young fellas to build around. Furthermore, competition in their division is diminished, in my opinion. After all, the Eagles lost several defensive standouts in the offseason, the Commanders are ripe for regression, and the Cowboys are the Cowboys.
Yet this team has rewarded my faith with mediocrity far too often. Last year was an out-and-out dumpster fire, so a quick turnaround might be overly optimistic.
So I’ll strive for cautious optimism instead. Improvement, maybe. Maybe a .500 record. Maybe even a wild card playoff berth, why not?
Regardless of what happens tomorrow, I think the truest test comes in Week 2, when the Giants face the Cowboys in Dallas. If they win that game, I’ll believe. If they lose yet again, same old Giants.
It all kicks off tomorrow at 1pm eastern as the Giants face the Commanders. I hope they give me hope, because right now, I’m like Fox Mulder. I just want to believe.
Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include eight books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.
I fear you are right about my Commanders. Expectations have risen sky-high, and we may be setting ourselves up for a fall. We’ll find out soon.
Well, we certainly found out! Good luck to your Commanders. They’re the only NFC East rival I can stomach—I despise the Cowboys and Eagles too much haha!
I share that hatred. Thanks for the good wishes!