Writers are weird. I’m sure you’ve noticed.

We’re up at all hours, morning and night, inventing stories about people and places that don’t exist, and never will. And we write about ourselves in the third-person for our bios. Super weird.

I’m sure you’ve also noticed it’s the holiday season, which means you’re expected to buy crap for everyone, whether or not they need it. Today, I’ve got some gift ideas to share with you.

Are they good ideas? Umm. Some of them.

Cats

Those cats? No, you can’t have those cats. Those are my cats.

But cats are the perfect pets for writers. They’re quiet. They’re independent. They’re unobtrusive. They’re judgmental too, which helps if you’re overusing adverbs. They might also sit on your lap while you’re writing, which is a heartwarming experience, assuming someone’s cut their nails recently.

The only problem? They’re probably plotting to murder you in your sleep. In fact, I’m writing a story about it. I’ve got two cats, and while the orange one is a sweetheart, the other I’m still afraid of. Wish me luck…

A Keyboard

I’m sure you know a writer who could use a new keyboard. Only the pretentious ones still write longhand. I myself own five keyboards—no wait, six. Another came in the mail last week.

Why? I enjoy using a different one every day. You know, for the varied tactile experience. In fact, sometimes I’ll just rub my fingers over the keys like they’re cow nipples in need of milking.

If you’re not disturbed by that mental image, my recent favorite keyboard is Logitech’s MK295 model. It’s sleek, quiet, and man, does it feel better than a cow nipple.

ProWritingAid

This is actually an earnest recommendation. I mean, I suppose they all should be, but who are we kidding? I can’t write anything without at least a few jokes.

But I would never joke about ProWritingAid. That would be like joking about God in church. And last I checked, God doesn’t check your writing for grammatical errors, wordy phrasing, and repetitive language. PWA does all that and more.

My favorite feature has to be the Repeats report. I fixate on certain words (for instance, “anyhoo”), then use them constantly, without realizing it, sometimes within the same paragraph. That’s tough for writers to spot, but grating for readers, especially with silly words like, oh, I don’t know, anyhoo.

Ever since I discovered this product back in 2017, I’ve used it to copyedit my writing. In fact, I’ve yet to publish a book without running it through ProWritingAid first. I don’t plan to break that pattern with Mother Day and Father Night later this month, either.

The best part is, I don’t have to. Unlike pretty much every other company out there these days, ProWritingAid lets you buy the product outright with their Lifetime Plan. (That’s what I have.) You can still pay a monthly subscription fee if you’d like, but the Lifetime Plan is worth it in the long run.

If you know a writer in need of a gift, yet they already own six keyboards, buy them a ProWritingAid plan. They’ll write you a grammatically flawless thank-you letter later.

A Coffee Maker

Alright, now we’re just delving into cheap writerly stereotypes. But hey, if it comes with an affiliate link, I’m not above it.

Speaking of which, here’s a conveniently placed affiliate link now. I’ve got a Mochamaster like this at home, and I use it every day to wake up in the morning, because it’s cheaper than cocaine. And hey, while we’re on the subject…

Cocaine

Or as Dewey Cox calls it, cuh-caine.

I’m kidding. Don’t be like Stephen King circa-1986. Don’t do cocaine. Or cuh-caine. Content yourself with the Clapton song.

Vellum

Ah yes, my precious. I’ve been using Vellum ever since I started indie publishing back in 2018, and I can’t imagine life without it.

Seriously, I hear so many poor souls on Reddit and YouTubekvetching about book woes. I’ve never needed to because Vellum does it all for me.

This is a screenshot from the forthcoming Mother Day. As you can see, it looks marvelous. On the left, you’ve got your chapters (or in this case, short stories). In the middle, you’ve got your workspace. On the right, you’ve got your preview. You can set that preview to e-readers, too, from Kindles to Nooks to Kobos (whatever all that gibberish means).

Technically, Vellum isn’t a word processor. It’s a book formatting tool for both digital and paper. Yet I enjoy it so much I’ve taken to writing with it.

Why? Because when I’m typing in Google Docs, I feel like I’m working on a document. But when I see how my words will look on the page with Vellum, it feels real to me. Silly, I know, but true nonetheless.

If you care to be real with your writer friends, get them Vellum. It’s sick.

Trello

If you buy someone deodorant for Christmas, it might be perceived as an insult. After all, you’re kind of implying that they’re smelly. Likewise, if you buy them an organizational tool, the recipient might think you think they’re disorganized.

Don’t worry. I’m one of the more organized people I know (flex), and I still love Trello.

Think of it like a big virtual corkboard. You’ve got the board itself, with cards arranged in columns and pinned to the board. These cards and columns are yours to customize. For example, I’ve got columns for novels, short stories, poetry, Magic: The Gathering articles, etc. Your disorganized writer friend might work differently.

That’s the beauty of Trello. It’s the perfect place to gather those scattered thoughts, those impending deadlines, those unresolved strands of plot. In short, it tidies the intrinsically messy process of writing.

Trello is technically designed as a collaborative tool—and it still can be. If you’ve got a writing partner, for example, this is one of the best ways to work together.

But I’m a lone wolf, and I’ve still been using—and loving—Trello for the past five years. I think you’ll feel the same way.

A Subscription to Mundanity in Action

Our penultimate recommendation is a somewhat shameless plug, because what better way to celebrate the holiday season than with self-aggrandizement? I mean, that fat slob Santa does it every year, so why can’t I?

Yes, you are reading Mundanity in Action, my personal Substack. Each week, I write about writing, or books, or observations regarding this strange condition we call life. I also occasionally use profanity toward beloved literary figures, but we won’t get into that now. After all, it’s the fuckin’ holiday season.

Suffice it to say that this publication is and always will be free. However, by paying as little as five dollars a month, you can unlock bonus content in every post, along with a 50% discount on ebooks purchased through my online store, plus a free digital copy of my annual collection, Things Happened, sent straight to you.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for supporting my work. It means everything to me!

Garlic

I did mention at the top that your friend might be a vampire. With writers, sometimes it’s hard to tell. Are they pale and allergic to sunlight because they’re inside writing all day…or are they a vampire? Are they sexy and mysterious because they write super-hot bodice rippers…or are they a vampire?

Garlic is the best way to find out. (That or holy water, but who’s got bottles of that stuff lying around?) Just offer your pal a big bowl of buttery garlic shrimp, or some loaded mashed potatoes, or some greasy garlic knots. If they eat them and live, everyone’s happy. If they eat them and vaporize into a cloudy black plume of dust, well then. I’ve just saved your life.

You’re Welcome

Both for saving your life, and for the gift recommendations. If nothing else, I hope they made you smile.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include eight books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.