If you read Hecatontagonal Stew on an e-reader, you might’ve noticed strange markings where there should’ve been emojis. This was not an elaborate prank on the part of the author. The truth is, not all e-readers support emojis (even the poop one).

Therefore, I’m providing those stories for free below. Enjoy!

3. Texts From Below

Hey girl

Oh god, who’s this?

😈

?

It’s me!

😈

I don’t get it

It’s Satan!

You know? Lucifer? The Adversary? The Fallen One? The Sexy Beast?

I got your number through a friend

Of a friend

Of a demon

Is this Chad?

Who’s Chad?

This is Chad, isn’t it?

No! I’m trying SMS outreach. Heard it’s way more effective than email.

Now check this out…

[Sends JPG_666]

That’s me. Pretty smokin’ selfie, right?

I guess?

Sell me your soul and you can have this bod anytime you want. Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Hello?

THIS NUMBER HAS BLOCKED YOU

Dammit.

15. Emoji Support Group

🔥: I’m just a cheap shorthand for influencers calling each other sexy.

😶‍🌫️: Nobody even knows what I am.

🤔: Wait, I’m thinking…

🤘: Why can’t I be the “Ronnie James Dio”?

🙃: All the blood is rushing to my head.

🤯: Heads are not meant to explode.

☠️: Arrr matey!

💨: I’m used to represent farts more often than I’d like to be.

🤫: Shhh!

😛: Am I teasing, or just panting like a dog?

🤬: [Expletive deleted.]

🫠: I should be green. RIP to the Wicked Witch of the West.

💩: I don’t get the respect I deserve.

72. 🐐

All the goats idolize the GOAT 🐐. She eats the most cans, bleats the loudest, and spits the furthest. She’s the GOAT and the 🐐.

Unfortunately, she’s getting old. Younger guns—or goats, as it were—are gunning for her spot. They eat, bleat, and spit, one better than the rest: The BOAT 🐐. (The B stands for “Baddest.”)

The BOAT 🐐 challenges the GOAT 🐐 and wins, making him the new GOAT 🐐. But the old GOAT 🐐 is still out there, some goats whisper, biding her time, training for the next challenge.

Someday, she’ll reclaim her title. Someday.

If you appreciated these stories and somehow haven’t read Hecatontagonal Stew yet, you can purchase your copy here. Hope you enjoy it 💯!