Kyle A. Massa

I’m Officially Becoming a Philadelphia Eagles Fan

April 1, 2025 / / 0 Comments

An eagle from Philadelphia wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hat.

Remember when Anakin joined the Sith? Or when Benedict Arnold betrayed America? Or when Judas snitched on Jesus? I’m about to do something similar, albeit with less historical significance. (Maybe. We’ll have to see.)

Since the mid-to-late aughts, I’ve been a fan of the New York Giants. Today, all that changes. I am officially registering as a Philadelphia Eagles fan.

… Not that it’s a political party or something. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s not all that different. Point is, I’m flying with the birds now, baby.

It all started at this past February’s Super Bowl. There I was, rooting against the Eagles while everyone else at the party rooted for the Eagles, because they were so sick of the Chiefs and/or Taylor Swift’s luxury box reaction shots. They flapped their arms like morons, frantically spelled a six-letter word as if to prove they were literate, and I thought to myself, Huh. Usually when I act like a doofus, I’m not celebrated for it.

Yet when Eagles fans flap or chant or scale greased-up flagpoles, they’re just being passionate. That’s the word they always use. Passionate. I suspect “being passionate” is a legal defense in Pennsylvania, and one that works quite well if your judge happens to be a fellow Eagles fan, which is likely.

I can’t get passionate about the Giants. Depressed, downtrodden, frustrated, and ashamed, sure, but never passionate. The Giants are just too incompetent lately, with their foremost highlight being the perpetuation of an Italian-American stereotype.

The Eagles, on the other hand, just won the Super Bowl. They have Saquon Barkley, and he was my favorite player (until he joined the Eagles). Also, Eagles fans get to whip batteries at people or pelt Santa with snowballs, all using the protection of their favorite defense. Might as well be diplomatic immunity.

So, this coming year, I look forward to a season of highlights, ass-whompings, and casual muggings in the parking lot of Lincoln Financial Field. Fly, Eagles, fly. I’m joining you on the road to victory.

P.S., Happy April Fools’ Day.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include seven books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

First Pitch

March 27, 2025 /

A baseball. That's it, just a baseball.

In honor of yesterday’s sort-of baseball Opening Day, here’s a 100-word story about a first pitch gone wrong. Enjoy!

Arlen Payne was perspiring. He heard jeers amid the cheers, felt the fans’ unspoken desire for his embarrassment. They wanted him to fail.

Arlen Payne wouldn’t comply. He was Arlen Payne. He had a reputation to uphold. Sixty feet stood between him and the team captain’s mitt. Easy.

Arlen Payne threw. His pitch sailed high, higher and—oh shit—too high. The team captain leaped, but too late.

Arlen Payne’s pitch struck a photographer behind home plate. It struck that photographer in his crotch. The photographer collapsed in writhing agony.

Arlen Payne thought, God dammit. That’s definitely going on YouTube.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include seven books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

The above story is one of 100 hundred-word stories in my book, Hecatontagonal Stew. Buy it here!

The World Without Childhood

March 19, 2025 /

A chalkboard with an illustration of a cloud and the sun.

Kids, take it from the wise old man who wrote this article: You don’t know how good you have it. In a world without childhood…

—But First, Some Ground Rules

If there’s no childhood, I’m assuming everybody emerges as a fully formed adult, complete with pubic hair and a credit score. And if we assume this, we also have to assume…

…Giving Birth Would Be Even More Painful

Shoutout to my mom.

…The Phrase “Back In My Day” Would Never Be Spoken

May as well be a meme, but it’s a phrase uttered by any older person trying to teach a younger person a lesson, whether said younger person asked for said lesson or not. A few examples:

  • “Back in my day, our go-to search engine was Ask Jeeves.”
  • “Back in my day, people thought Dane Cook was funny.”
  • “Back in my day, people still used the phrase ‘back in my day.’”
  • “Back in my day—”

Alright, we get it, old-timer. “Back in my day” is a tedious statement to use, let alone hear. However, it’s kind of hard not to use it, especially as you age. I apologize in advance, Gen Alpha.

…Trauma Would Be Redefined

Without childhood, we’d lose some classics, like walking in on your parents having sex. Which would be even more complicated because, nine months later, out would pop your fully formed adult sibling.

Without this weirdness, we’d have to get by with good old-fashioned adult trauma, such as car loans, colonoscopies, and watching the New York Giants try to field a functional team.

…No More Child Actors

Speaking of profiteering trauma, as I mentioned in the coffee chapter, I once interned in Los Angeles. Our housing was a long-term lease apartment complex in Burbank, down the street from Warner Bros. Studios. It was a sweet place, complete with its own mini-mart featuring some unique decorations: Signed headshots of child actors on the walls. These headshots belonged to current and former residents, all of whom visited LA pursuing the somewhat strange dream of being child actors.

I’d spot roving packs of them prowling the premises, often appearing bored and/or feral. Evidently, these children were searching for activities between guest spots on Sesame Street.

One day, my friend Connor and I were driving somewhere. It must’ve been somewhere important, since driving three-plus blocks in LA is an hour-plus commitment. As I steered out of the parking garage, I turned to my right and yelped.

Some kid had pressed her face to the glass of the passenger side window. Our car jolted, and in the rear-view mirror, I glimpsed some other kid bouncing on our car’s bumper. A fresh horde advanced on our left, and that’s when I peeled out before the child actors could swarm.

On reflection, maybe I misread the situation. Maybe they just mistook us for agents.

…Horror Movies Would Lose A Classic Trope

If my last anecdote reminded you of Stephen King’s Children of the Corn, you’re not alone. Creepy kids became a horror classic even before King published that short story in 1977, dating back to Henry James’s 1898 novella The Turn of the Screw and even earlier. I mean, the ancient Romans had Cupid, that naked little chubby kid who shoots arrows at horny adults, and that remains creepy to this day.

…Scooby-Doo Would’ve Never Aired

Never mind that Scooby-Doo is a kids’ show. Without childhood, it wouldn’t have that overdone line about you meddling kids and that dog and whatever.

I’ll be honest: I wouldn’t mind a world without Scooby-Doo. Even as a kid, I remember finding every episode’s plot utterly predictable. It’s always some unscrupulous businessman using a local legend to divert public attention from his illegal acts. Spare me.

…Adults Would Have Less To Grumble About

Analogous to the “back in my day” statement is the “kids these days” exclamation. You know what I mean…

  • “Kids these days can’t hold a conversation.”
  • “Kids these days like their Stanley drinking cups too much.”
  • “Kids these days play their TikTok videos out loud on full blast and it’s really goddamn annoying.”

The first two points were gross and unfair generalizations that I mention to underscore how stupid the whole “kids these days” thing is. The last one is an actual grievance. I have no problem with TikTok, kids, but if you’re going to watch cooking videos or Euphoria clips or whatever it is you’re watching, put in your AirPods, because I know you have them.

…Commodified Childhood Nostalgia Products Would Never Get Made

Series reboots. Stranger Things. Whatever the hell they’re doing with 90s night at the local bar. If a business can turn your beloved childhood memories into something they can sell, they will.

Without nostalgic products in the zeitgeist, perhaps we’d see the opposite: Future nostalgia. Not the Dua Lipa album—more like products that seem prescient at some point, yet become stupider the further into the future we get. Like Segways.

…Society Would Crumble

We wouldn’t have children without childhood, and without children we wouldn’t have children’s programming, and without children’s programing, we wouldn’t have Australian cartoon Bluey, which is perhaps the greatest kids’ cartoon since Arthur. It’s all about appreciating life while simultaneously forcing your parents to play whatever game you want, whenever you want, whether or not they’re available.

Without Bluey showing our kids the wholesomeness of life, they’d surely grow up to be murderers and thieves (if they haven’t already).

So thanks, Australia. You and that blue heeler are saving the world, one tight 10-minute episode at a time.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

This is an excerpt from my new book, The World Without Various Stuff. Pre-order your copy at this link!

Go Birds

March 9, 2025 /

An eagle plummeting to earth, because I hate the Philadelphia Eagles.

I’ve been having a hard time getting over the Philadelphia Eagles winning this year’s Super Bowl. Here’s a 100-word story that describes my feelings.

“I don’t see the problem,” said the DMV employee.

“See, ‘PHI’ stands for Philadelphia,” I explained, pointing at my new license plate. “And 2017 was the last year they won a Super Bowl.”

“So?”

“So if I drive around with this, people are gonna think I’m an Eagles fan.”

“And?”

“And I’d rather lay down in traffic!”

The DMV employee shrugged. “Next.”

I drove home with my new plates. At an intersection, a truck stopped alongside mine. The driver flapped his arms. “Go Birds!”

I exited my vehicle. I glared at my plates. And I laid facedown in the road.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

The above story is one of 100 hundred-word stories in my new book, Hecatontagonal Stew. Buy it here!

Several Hypothetical Low-Stress Fallback Jobs I Think I Might Be Halfway Decent At

January 22, 2025 /
A hand-drawn figure of a businessman running to work carrying a briefcase in front of a brick wall.

Above: A corporate stooge who appears to be late for work.

I’m secure in my current employment, but you never know when you might get fired. With that thought in mind, here are some jobs I’m halfway interested in.

1. Seat-Filler

Apparently, award show broadcasts look bad if even a single seat is vacant. That’s where us seat-fillers swoop in. See an empty seat? Fill it. Feel like smiling? Good, because we’re back from commercial break in five, four, three…

I wonder what happens when official guests return from the bar or bathroom or wherever they were, only to find a seat-filler filling their seat. Like, imagine I leapt into an open seat, sat there for three minutes with a giant smile on my face, then felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and there’s Harrison Ford.

“That’s my seat,” he’d growl, then he’d transform into Red Hulk and hurl me through the ceiling, and just picture the headlines in the gossip columns.

2. Third-String Quarterback

This job is sweet for three reasons. First, you get paid six or seven figures to stand on the sidelines holding a Microsoft Surface Pro. Second, you probably won’t get squashed by a 300-pound lineman (except during the preseason). Third, if you somehow find yourself in a regular season game, expectations are so low that any success, no matter how fleeting, will be met with raucous applause (see 2023 Tommy DeVito). Sign me now!

3. Casting Director

Hand picking famous and talented people to appear in multi-million dollar productions sounds fun. So fun, in fact, that randos do it on Reddit every day for their favorite yet-to-be-adapted properties. Sometimes the studios even listen, like when Marvel cast John Krasinski as Mr. Fantastic in Doctor Strange because fans wanted it so bad.

My Achilles heel would be casting Nicolas Cage too frequently. For example, if I was casting Achilles, I’d choose Nic. And I know Cage shouldn’t play Snape in the upcoming Harry Potter reboots—but I still want to see it.

4. Personal Chef

I kind of already have this job, since I cook for the family most evenings. However, if you hire me, you’ll notice I have earbuds in, because I’m listening to Limited Resources the whole time. And if you get my attention to ask what’s for dinner, I’ll have to admit that it’s HelloFresh, because I require step-by-step instructions. And P.S.: I don’t take requests.

5. Food Taste Tester

Speaking of food, I like food.

6. Green Day Cover Band Member

This is another thing I kind of already do. I play in a garage band with my friends Jimmy and Tuna, plus my brother-in-law Dan. If you want to get technical, we’re technically a basement band, because the garage is a mess. We perform three Green Day songs, and I sing them all.

What songs? You’ll have to attend a show to find out. Granted, we haven’t emerged from the basement to play anywhere just yet—but someday we might.

7. Trucker

I’ve sometimes fantasized about the open road, revving my engine under a clear blue sky while all of America blazes by, a whole country just waiting for my 18 wheels to roll on over.

…And then I come to a traffic jam, and after the 20th minute of a bumper-to-bumper stop-and-go logjam, I remember, Oh yeah. I fucking hate driving.

8. Claw Machine Consultant

I’ve earned three lifetime wins at the standard arcade claw machine, which is three times more than most other humans. This is why I’m ready to start my own business.

My plan is to camp outside claw machines, wherever they may be. That’s usually malls or movie theater lobbies, in my experience, along with Chuck E. Cheese. I’ll just stand there and hawk my services, like a peddler on a wharf in Tortuga. When people accept (if they accept), I’ll shout advice at them while their timer runs down. If they ask me to take the controls for them, I can—though that’ll cost extra.

Are results guaranteed? No, of course not. It’s a freaking claw machine.

If this sounds unsatisfying, that’s because consultations often are (just ask the New York Jets). Which leads me to my next point.

9. Consultant

When you get old and wise and retired enough, you can take calls from home about your area of expertise, then bill desperate losers hundreds of dollars per hour for your time.

The problem here is the area of expertise bit. I think mine is writing, but since I make chump change as a writer, I don’t believe I’m qualified to consult about it. I might instead opt for the aforementioned claw machine, but who was I kidding with that?

The only other topic I might consult for is Magic: The Gathering, since I’ve played it longer than many people have been alive. Problem is, actual factual professional Magic players already do this, so if I tried to upstage them, I’d embarrass myself even more than I already have with this blog post.

Thanks for Reading

I’ll be keeping my job, thanks. Here’s hoping I don’t get fired.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

Try My Stew

September 16, 2024 /

Not the kind you eat. The kind you read.

Hi reader. Today I’d like to share my newest book with you. It’s called Hecatontagonal Stew, and it’s out now in ebook, paperback, and soon, hardcover. Let me tell you a bit more about it.

The Gimmick

Hecatontagonal Stew is a short story collection. However, it’s unlike most—or perhaps any—you’ve ever read. That’s because it has 100 stories, and each story is exactly 100 words long.

With so many stories, I had the unique opportunity to explore all sorts of genres, styles, approaches, and more. I divided them into 10 parts of 10 stories each. Speaking of which…

The Parts

Are as follows…

  1. Tales & Tails (Fairy tales, Shakespeare, folklore, animals, and more)
  2. Who Are You? (Stories about identity—but sadly, none about The Who)
  3. Consumption (Eating, drinking, buying, etc.)
  4. How Creepy (Horror, but mostly funny horror)
  5. Selective Memory (History, reminiscence, and period pieces)
  6. Please Be Professional, Please (Work stories)
  7. Surreality (Stories based in fact, or at least not fiction)
  8. Sporting (All about sports)
  9. Circles (Anything with a circular narrative)
  10. Crime & Reward (Because sometimes, crime pays off)

Hopefully that gives you a decent idea of what’s floating around in this stew. But why did I even cook it? I’m glad you asked.

The Inspiration

I began writing this book back in 2022—though I didn’t know it yet. I answered an open call for drabbles from a site called Black Ink Fiction. (A drabble is a story that’s exactly 100 words long.) The theme was “snow,” which put me in mind of snow days, which made me wonder what might be the weirdest way to get one.

Easy, I thought. Ragnarok.

That’s basically the Norse version of the Apocalypse, only instead of fire and brimstone, it begins with snow. So, I wrote a 100-word, two-sentence story about Ragnarok beginning in New Jersey, of all places. And Black Ink Fiction liked it enough to publish it.

I planned on including that story in a future fiction collection, along with a few other brief pieces. But once I started writing them, I found I couldn’t stop. And each one came out around 100 words.

It felt like a gimmick. And I can’t resist a good gimmick.

The Gimmick Earns Some Titles

My initial goal was 50 hundred-word stories, so my initial title was 50 x 100. Knowing that wasn’t very catchy, I forged ahead with the more important part—the actual stories.

The initial burst was prolific. I remember writing 20 stories in one day and thinking, This is easy! At this rate, I’ll have this book done by May.

That was in April. Of course, I didn’t. Progress slowed from there, though never entirely. It was satisfying to sit down every day and pump out a few complete stories. At just 100 words each, it didn’t take long.

In fact, by the summer, I decided to double my goal. Why not 100?

That changed the title, too. My book was now called 100 x Hundred, and I’d even mocked up a cover for it.

The Covers

Here it is…

Pretty bland, as you can see, but the joke is, it’s a 100 by 100 grid. Hoping for something a little more flavorful, I brainstormed some new titles:

  • 100 Unblessed Sneezes
  • 100 Splatters of Ink
  • Hecatontagonal Microseconds

I enjoyed the 100-sided polygon thing, and a stew seemed like an apt metaphor for whatever I was putting together. That meant I needed a new cover…

Yes, I designed this one myself (using elements from Canva, of course). And now it’s here!

Try My Stew

Head on over to the Stew landing page by clicking here. Hope you enjoy it!

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

A Little Better Than Bad: My 2024 New York Giants Season Preview

September 3, 2024 /

I tried watching Hard Knocks this year. I really did. But it became too depressing.

Welcome to my annual preview of the upcoming New York Giants football season, where I either grossly over- or underestimate just how competent they’ll be. And so, without further ado…

So Long, Saquon

The Giants’ most significant offseason change is running back Saquon Barkley’s departure. I wish I could call it a prudent cost-cutting maneuver, but when have sports fans ever rooted for prudence and/or cost-cutting?

Seemed more like hubris to me. The Giants didn’t think anyone would pay Saquon, yet someone did—an obnoxious, green, winged sort of someone whose name I will not utter here.

Losing Saquon was like having your best friend move away, only you find out he’s moving to Pennsylvania to join some schoolyard bullies, one of whom goes by the nom de plume “Big Dom,” and now your former best friend and his new bully pals beat the shit out of you twice a year, every year, all because Joe Schoen misread the market. What joy.

The New Guys

The Giants signed Devin “Motor” Singletary to replace Saquon. No offense to Devin, but that’s like replacing a Corvette with a Segway. Furthermore, it puts to the test my longstanding theory that guys with cool nicknames get overrated. Take Marquise “Hollywood” Brown, for instance, who’s posted only a single thousand-yard season in five years, yet now signs with the Super Bowl champs. Maybe if I had a better nickname, I’d be more successful, too. “Big Kyle,” perhaps?

The Giants also traded for Brian Burns and drafted Malik Nabers, which are far more impactful moves. Adding Burns to a defense that features Dexter Lawrence, Kayvon Thibodeaux, and Bobby Okereke gives us a formidable front. If new Defensive Coordinator Shane Bowen is any good, this could be the team’s strength.

As for Nabers, the hype is real. I’ve heard comparisons to Odell, which would be a welcome upgrade over the corpse of Darren Waller and the ghost of Kenny Golladay. Finding quarterback Daniel Jones a legitimate #1 option is long overdue. Which leads to my next topic…

Can We Trust Daniel Jones?

Probably not—though I’ve been wrong about him before. In 2021, I was out on Jones. In ’22, I was back in. In ’23, the Seattle Seahawks sacked him 10 times in one game, so I was, once again, out.

I’m still out. I think. On one hand, Jones plays best when expectations are lowest (see 2022). On the other, he threw three times more interceptions than touchdowns last season. Also, he injured his neck. Also, he tore his ACL. Also, his offensive line hasn’t improved much.

The good news is, we have Tommy DeVito.

Look, I’m Being Serious

Not to be confused with Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, Tommy DeVito is one of the Giants’ reserve quarterbacks. He’s also the only reason I had any fun watching the team last season. I mean, who else has an agent who cosplays as Frank Sinatra?

Still, I feel like I’m on DeVito Island here. He’s third on the depth chart behind Drew Locke, whose only claim to fame is being a slight improvement over Paxton Lynch. Look, DeVito might not be physically gifted, fundamentally sound, or domestically independent, but he’s got heart, baby, heart. Plus, the Giants played best with Tommy at quarterback, winning three straight, including a thrilling victory over the NFC runner-up Green Bay Packers.

Is Tommy DeVito the next Tom Brady? No. Is he Italian? Yes. Stereotypically so. And you know who else was? Rocky Balboa. And was he a champion? Yes, and also a movie star. So, for now at least, you can still find me chilling on DeVito Island.

My Prognostication

I think the Giants will play a smidge better than people anticipate. Yes, a metric smidge. FanDuel set their over/under at six-and-a-half, and I believe they’ll win seven. Maybe eight.

First, their defense looks formidable. Lawrence, Burns, Thibodeaux, and Ojulari should provide a ferocious pass rush upfront, and Jason Pinnock and Deonte Banks should offer solid backup in the secondary. The Giants have also enjoyed great luck with second-round safeties in years past (see Xavier McKinney and Landon Collins), so hopefully this year’s selection, Tyler Nubin, will continue the trend.

Second, I still believe in Brian Daboll. The beginning of last season was hideous, yes, but he salvaged six wins from a year riddled with injuries on both sides of the ball. Plus, they slaughtered those evil Eagles in Week 18, in a game necessary for seeding. Daboll won Coach of the Year for a reason, and I think he’ll remind everyone why this season.

Third, the division is diminished. The Commanders improved, but the Eagles have questions and the Cowboys have even more. Nobody ever wins the NFC East in consecutive seasons, so could this year be New York’s?

No

Like I said, I think they’ll have a slight, though not drastic, improvement. From there, maybe they can add a quarterback who doesn’t pass to his opponents more frequently than his teammates and/or doesn’t still live with his parents.

Until then, I’ll still be watching. Tune in with me on September 8 at 1pm, when the Giants will probably lose to Sam Darnold and the Minnesota Vikings. Can’t wait.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

The World Without Vampires

August 16, 2024 /

You may love them, you may hate them, but either way, I’m sure you know all about vampires. In today’s edition of “The World Without,” we’ll examine life in their absence. So, in a world without vampires…

…There Would Be Fewer Great Basketball Players

But why is that, Kyle? you must be wondering. What do basketball players and vampires have in common?

Don’t ask me. Ask my mom and sister.

When I was in high school, Mom and Emily watched a series called Moonlight. The premise: A vampire with the unlikely name of Mick St. John works as a private investigator somewhere. (Chicago, maybe? It definitely wasn’t Transylvania.) They didn’t actually like the show—they just thought it was hilariously bad. I agreed.

In one episode, Mick St. John finds himself in a college gymnasium, where he splashes several no-look half-court shots, which he can do because he’s a vampire, I guess.

So. If we’re to believe the vampire mythology of Moonlight, does that mean all our greatest basketball players are, in fact, vampires? It would explain LeBron’s agelessness…

…Transylvania Would Lose A Cultural Calling Card

I wish I could say Transylvania is a land of champion pole vaulters. Maybe it is. However, many people know it best as vampire HQ, thanks to Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I suppose there are worse things your region could be known for, i.e. Sokovia, which is best known for getting wrecked by Ultron.

…Kids Would Be Lousy at Counting

Without vampires, there’s no Count from Sesame Street, and without the Count, kids would count worse than King Arthur in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Yes, there are endless books on that subject, and true, countless other cartoon characters perform the same function. Yet did their laughs inspire the laugh of Jared Leto’s Joker? I think not.

…We’d Lose One of the Greatest Films of All Time

I don’t mean Murnau’s Nosferatu. I don’t mean Universal’s Dracula. I certainly don’t mean Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I’m talking about Stephen Sommers’s 2004 masterpiece, Van Helsing.

Seriously, I ride for this movie. I’ve already written about it before. Though it was a financial success, Van Helsing was critically panned, and I’ve never understood why. Sure, the accents are bad, the story is implausible, and it pretty much only appeals to 12-year-old boys. Yet if you were 12 when the film premiered (i.e. me), you’d understand.

Dracula serves as the film’s antagonist, and Australian actor Richard Roxburgh plays him with such gleeful camp that the whole movie would collapse without him. I mean, he pronounces the word “laboratory” with all five syllables. The Count would approve!

…Banana Boat Would Sink

Let’s assume, for a moment, that vampires exist. They’re often portrayed as sexy, pale, and allergic to sunlight. If they ever want to walk their dogs, they must venture outside during the day. To do so, they must apply sunscreen, and lots of it.

That’s where Banana Boat comes in. If vampires exist, I bet they’re keeping that Boat afloat, along with numerous other sunscreen brands. They can skip Coppertone, though—that logo is creepy.

…The Nicolas Cage Filmography Would Be Shortened By Two

Which might not matter in the grand scheme of things, since Nic is so prolific (and virtuosic, I might add). Still, you can’t make a vampire movie without vampires, so 1989’s Vampire’s Kiss and 2023’s Renfield would vanish.

I skipped the latter because I heard it was bad, but I watched the former, ironically, for the same reason. Vampire’s Kiss is a bizarre film in which Nic has a one-night stand with a woman he comes to believe is a vampire, giving him vampiric tendencies himself.

It’s one of Cage’s most unhinged performances. In one scene, he sprints down a street, arms rigid at his sides, shouting, “I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire!” In another, he bellows the entire alphabet, getting a little more manic with each letter.

Would I recommend this film? No. Am I glad it exists? In the words of Nicolas Cage, “Yeeeeeah!” (I’m sure he said that in one of his movies.)

…Parents Would Be Less Concerned

Because of Twilight. Are you surprised it took me this long to get to it?

Not to be confused with Moonlight, Twilight launched a new wave of vampire obsession. It also turned them into sparkling child predators, but we won’t dwell on that.

I was a teenager at the height of this craze, so I still remember seeing my peers—yes, usually girls—hunched over those bleak black covers. I even watched the movies with some of them, though I always left the theater baffled. If you were immortal, why would you choose to attend high school forever? Why is Edward so controlling and creepy? Why do all the werewolves wear matching jorts?

Alas, I never got answers to these questions. Neither did anyone’s parents, even if they were brave enough to ask. Fortunately, this series seems to have less staying power than say, Harry Potter, so maybe we’ll never need to relive this craze. Though I’m sure they’re due for a reboot…

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Thanks, vampires. You’ve given me something to write about.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

!

June 28, 2024 /

I end too many sentences with exclamation marks. I’m aware of this personal flaw, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it.

I know it’s overdone. I know it’s inaccurate. I know Strunk and White would table-top me if they could. And yet, I do it anyway.

Why? Because I don’t want people to think I’m upset.

Perhaps I should specify. My exclamation marks appear almost exclusively in my digital communication. I’m better at excluding them from my prose, mostly because I’m afraid grammarians on Goodreads will slap me with one-star reviews. Yet texts and emails remain breeding grounds for my exclamations.

To prove this observation, I reviewed yesterday’s sent emails from my work address. Ten of my previous 10 messages contained exclamation marks. Worse yet, now that I’ve established this pattern at work, I can’t relent.

For the sake of demonstration, let’s imagine we’re coworkers. Greetings, coworker. Now let’s pretend you’ve requested help from me, and I reply thusly:

All set!

Oh that Kyle, you must be thinking, shaking your head and smiling to yourself. What a chipper fellow.

Try receiving this reply instead:

All set.

Oh no, you’d think to yourself. Is Kyle mad at me? Is everything okay? Did his cat die?

Don’t worry, both cats are very much alive. One of them just puked on the rug. But here you’ve spotted my dilemma: I’ve worked at Special Olympics New York for five years now, and over that time, I’d estimate 96.56% of my emails used an exclamation mark. When you write almost as many exclamations as periods, you’ve got a problem.

And it’s not just me. A few years back, our organization recruited a writing consultant to help improve our written communication. My wife Sara also works at Special Olympics NY, and she was among the select few invited to the seminar. Here’s what she says the consultant said:

“I’ve never encountered an organization that writes with as many exclamation marks as yours!”

His statement probably ended in a period, but I wanted to reinforce his point.

But here’s my rebuttal, writing consultant guy: Periods make texts and emails sound terse. I know they’re grammatically correct. I know they’re proper. Yet when communicating digitally, I can’t ignore the finality of that single dot. Consider this text message:

Okay.

This is how my parents text, and they’re right to do so. The vast majority of sentences should end in periods. But this sentence sounds aggressive, even though I know my parents aren’t aggressive (unless my dad’s talking to the cable company). If that example doesn’t convince you, try this one:

See you soon.

Without an exclamation mark, this sounds like a threat. In my more paranoid moments, I might even receive this text and think, Oh shit! Am I about to be assassinated!?

See? I even think in exclamation marks.

My problem is one of consistency. I’ve often daydreamed about converting to the period, about dropping all my overused exclamation marks from my texts, emails, and thoughts, becoming the diligent grammarian I know I should be. Yet I can’t. Because if I do, people will fear something’s wrong.

What’s with all the sudden periods? they’ll think as they read my emails. Is Kyle going to assassinate me?

The answer is, of course, no (unless you’re an Eagles fan, in which case, maybe). But who would know that by reading an email dominated by periods? I pretty much only use them when I’m annoyed with people and I assume they know I’m annoyed with them. No exclamation marks for you, I think as I pound the period key. Every sentence you get ends in a black hole.

I could add an addendum to my email signature explaining my change, e.g. I’ve realized I overuse exclamation marks in my emails, so you may notice their absence in future messages. This does not reflect my general mood or feelings toward you, unless it does, in which case, you know who you are. But that would make me seem like even more of a psycho than I already am.

Yet still, I’m not alone. Exclamation overuse isn’t just localized to my organization—it’s generational. As a Millennial, ours was the first generation to grow up with text messaging. Without the in-person benefits of tone, expression, and posture, our early text messaging relied on nonsense like colons combined with right-half parentheticals. Or, better yet, exclamation marks. Emojis came later, but even they haven’t killed the vertical-line-and-dot.

Perhaps this suggests that we Millennials are an empathetic generation. We want to assure our recipients that we’re not angry with them, so much so that we end most sentences with an additional press of the “Shift” key. Or, perhaps we’re all part of the problem. I couldn’t say.

But here’s what I could do: I could end this confessional with a vow to write fewer exclamation marks. I know I won’t. Instead, later today, as I sit down at my desk and browse my emails, I’ll reply with the same platitudes I always use. Sounds good! Copy that! Thanks so much! And I’ll think to myself, Well, at least you’re certain I’m not mad at you!

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

The World Without Kyles

May 20, 2024 /

Kyle. It’s a name you might’ve heard before. It also happens to be my name. My parents gave it to me, as it were, and there are many more of us out there. Today, we’re going to celebrate ourselves.

How? By imagining the sad, bleak state of affairs without us. And so, in a world without Kyles…

…There Would Be No Modern Film Adaption of Dune

I’m about to do some hypothetical gymnastics, so watch closely. In 2021, director Denis Villeneuve adapted the classic science-fiction epic Dune into a smash hit. However, it was also adapted less successfully in 1984 by notorious weirdo David Lynch. In that version, guess who played the protagonist? Kyle MacLachlan. That’s right—even in futuristic sci-fi worlds, we need Kyles.

However, without MacLachlan and his largely panned adaptation, which Roger Ebert described as “a real mess,” would a fresh Dune adaptation feel so necessary? I think not.

So thanks, Kyle MacLachlan, for helping to make a crappy movie.

…Batman Would Be Even More Emo Than Usual

It’s hard to say which of the following billionaires is kookier: Bruce Wayne or Elon Musk. Yet only one dresses up like a bat and beats up criminals at night. You guessed right. It’s Elon.

Yes, Batman has issues. And I suspect he’d have even more without his girlfriend.

Who is Batman‘s girlfriend, you ask? Well, following the chronology of the Christopher Nolan films, Batman gets together with Catwoman. I can’t imagine your average cat showing sexual interest in a bat, but that’s not the point. The point is, Catwoman’s real name is Selena Kyle.

Therefore, in a world without Kyles, there would be no Selena, and without Selena, Batman would be even more of a grump.

…I Would Lose a Treasured Friend

Procrastination leads to some of my strangest ideas, so one day while procrastinating at college, I searched Facebook for other people with my name. I friended the first result. His profile picture was himself wearing Joker makeup, which helped.

The other Kyle Massa readily accepted my request, and we’ve had a superficial cyber kinship ever since. It appears he was recently married (to a Kylie, I presume). Congratulations, my fellow Kyle!

…We’d Never Have Race Car Drivers Kyle Bush and Kyle Petty

And I couldn’t care less.

…I Might’ve Achieved More

I’ve been addicted to a great many video games in my life, one of them being Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones for Gameboy Advance. Think of it like chess, except all your pieces are anime characters with unlikely hair colors.

The game features numerous warriors, one of whom being a cavalier named Kyle. I can’t recall any characteristics of Kyle, other than him being named Kyle and having green hair (see my earlier comment). However, since we shared a name, I spent all my time training Kyle to become the greatest knight in the realm.

Without Kyle, I might’ve enjoyed this game less, thereby doing more homework and getting better grades. So thanks a lot, Kyle. You kept me out of Cornell.

…Something Would Happen With South Park, I Suppose

I’m aware there’s a Kyle on South Park. However, I’ve only seen two episodes of this show, so I feel unqualified to comment further. I’ll say this: South Park fans sometimes greet me by exclaiming my name in the Cartman voice. In a world without Kyles, this would never happen.

…We’d Be Down an Important Musician

When researching this article, I came across one Kyle Bruckmann, a San Franciscan oboist. I’ve never heard him play or know anything about him beyond this fact, but the world has few enough oboists as it is.

…Godzilla vs. Kong Would Be Completely Unchanged

Kyle Chandler is an actor, and one of the stars of this film. Allegedly.

See, normally when you pull a lead actor from a movie, it altars the finished product. Try to imagine Star Wars without Harrison Ford. Not so much with Godzilla vs. Kong, a movie so primitively appealing that you could remove Mr. Chandler—along with all the other humans in the cast—and still have a great movie.

I would know. I watched it on a plane, and though I could only hear roughly 67% of the dialogue, I greatly enjoyed the monkey and the lizard walloping each other with skyscrapers. I’ll have to see the sequel.

…Kyle XY Would Never Have Gotten the Green Light

I must be a bad Kyle, because this is another Kyle IP I know nothing about. I just remember seeing ads for it when I was a kid and thinking, Wow. That looks crappy.

Turns out it must’ve been, because it only lasted three seasons. I mean, here’s the Wikipedia description: “Kyle XY is an American science fiction television series…[about] a teenage boy who awakens naked in a forest outside Seattle, Washington, with amnesia and no belly button.” I’ve been to Seattle twice, and neither time did I wake up naked in the woods or misplace my belly button.

Anyhoo, this show never would’ve aired under any other name. Phil XY? Burt XY? Francois XY? They just don’t have the same ring.

…The World Would Lose a Jeopardy! Question

Me: I’ll take “Dual Threats” for two-hundred, Aaron.

Aaron Rodgers: This Canadian was the first person to play both baseball and ice hockey professionally. Kyle?

Me: Who is Andy Kyle?

Aaron Rodgers: Nicely done. I can see you know your Kyles.

Why is Aaron Rodgers still hosting Jeopardy! in my hypothetical? Because he blew out the other achilles.

At any rate, I stumbled across this factoid in my research, and I suspect the only place it would appear is everyone’s favorite gameshow. Somehow, I don’t think it would work for The Masked Singer.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Treasure all the Kyles in your life. You could’ve lived in a world without them, a world like I just described, and that would’ve been a tragedy.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

« Older posts

Disclosure: Some links on this site may be affiliate links. This means I earn a commission on sales made through those links, while you pay no additional cost.

© 2025 Kyle A. Massa

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑