Kyle A. Massa

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The World Without The Who

December 26, 2022 /
The Who

Heinrich Klaffs, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons, modified by the author using Canva

Full disclosure, reader: This won’t be an objective piece.

Not that any entry in this series has been (or will be). Still, I thought I should state that upfront, because when it comes to this subject, I am entirely biased. The Who is my all-time favorite band.

Though I’d rather never contemplate a world without them, we’ll do it here to highlight their importance. In a world without the Who…

…The Incredibles Wouldn’t Exist

In 1999, a guy named Brad Bird directed a movie called The Iron Giant. Due to the critical success of that film, Pixar Animation Studios gave Bird the greenlight to write and direct another animated feature: The Incredibles. We all know what happened next: Reddit users posted numerous memes about Elastigirl being thicc.

What do the Who have to do with all this? Well, Who guitarist Pete Townshend adapted The Iron Man, a novel by Ted Hughes, into a musical of the same name. Warner Bros. purchased the film rights to that album, and it soon became Bird’s The Iron Giant.

Therefore, no Who, no Incredibles. You’re welcome, Reddit.

…Punk Rock Would Be Gone

The Who was one of the chief inspirations behind punk rock, particularly the aggressive, power-cord-slamming style of guitarist Pete Townshend. Bands such as the Clash, Sex Pistols, Green Day, and the Ramones have either covered songs by the Who or cited them as influences.

So, by extension, this world we’re imagining would also miss classic tunes like “Rock the Kasbah,” “Anarchy in the UK,” and “American Idiot.” And who could forget everybody’s favorite Ramones song, “Pet Sematary”?

…What Would CSI Do?

They have like 10 spinoffs, and all of them bastardize Who songs for their opening credits. I’m still waiting for CSI: Portland, which would use something weird, e.g. “Boris the Spider.”

…No More Animal from the Muppets

That’s because Animal is based on the Who’s original drummer, Keith Moon.

Moon really was some sort of animal. For example, on his 21st birthday, he committed the following acts at a Holiday Inn in Flint, Michigan:

  • Got very drunk
  • Chipped half his front tooth
  • Started a food fight
  • Set off numerous fire extinguishers
  • Drove a Lincoln Continental into the swimming pool (this claim has since been disputed)

This all cost an alleged $24,000 in property damage, which was worth quite a bit more in 1967. Most of us get sloppy on our 21st birthdays—but not 24k-sloppy. For comparison, here’s what I did on mine:

  • Drank legally
  • Dined at Ithaca’s finest restaurant: Sammy’s Pizza
  • Capped off the night with some Call of Duty: Black Ops

I suppose my Venn diagram overlapped with Moon’s on the “got very drunk” part. But hey, nobody ever based a Muppets character on me.

…Yet.

…The Rock Opera Would Be a Lost Art

The Who’s Tommy was the first. Without its pioneering presence, would we have such classics as David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, or The Simpsons’ Simpsons Christmas Boogie? I think not.

…Smashing Guitars Would Be Considered Vandalism

Yes, Mr. Townshend was the first man to smash a guitar for the spectacle. He was inspired to do so by artist Gustav Metzger, who destroyed his own work as a mode of artistic expression. Pete did the same, forcing the band to glue their instruments back together in their early days, when they lacked the funds to replace them.

…In the Year 2010, a Vegetable Platter Might’ve Been Saved

During Super Bowl XLIV, the Who played the halftime show. And somewhere, some overenthusiastic viewer did a Pete Townshend windmill air-guitar move, knocking over somebody’s veggie tray at their Super Bowl party. I’m almost certain this happened.

My friend Jimmy maintains this was the worst halftime performance in Super Bowl history, but as I’ve said, I’m biased. I’ll admit, Pete’s shirt kept flying up during those aforementioned windmill moves, revealing his old man stomach beneath.

Yet still, it’s hard to get much worse than 2019, which featured shirtless Adam Levine, 30 seconds of Travis Scott, half of Outkast, and for some reason, SpongeBob SquarePants.

…Young Kyle Would’ve Gotten More Sleep

I recall one night in high school where I stayed up late listening to Tommy and getting very emotional, I think after being rejected by a girl or something. Emo much?

Oh, and also, I downloaded all the Who’s DLC songs on Rock Band 2 and played them ad nauseam in my dad’s basement, usually at night. If you thought the Who’s cover of “Young Man Blues” from Live at Leeds was good, wait ’til you get a load of mine.

…Sports Teams Would Have Shorter Pregame Playlists

I swear, every time I tune in to a Giants game, they’re playing “Baba O’Riley.” Of course, they never play “My Generation,” because that would offend the geriatric fans.

That reminds me of a story. You may not have known this, reader, but I’m in a band. We’re called Hurricane Betty, and we once played a pool party at a dude’s house (we dubbed him “Cabana Bob,” owing to his sick backyard cabana). Sometime during the party, Bob announced one of his guests was celebrating their 60th birthday. Everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” and all was well.

Two songs later, we played “My Generation.” My brother-in-law Dan (and our band leader) changed the most famous line in the song to this: “I hope I die before I turn 60.”

Paradoxically, Cabana Bob still invited us back the following year. Probably couldn’t find another band that would play for free.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Speaking for millions of fans throughout the world, I’m glad the Who exists. Now please excuse me while I go queue up a little Quadrophenia.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

“If Pages Could Blush”: The Story Behind the Story

December 19, 2022 /

If Pages Could Blush

This story began in my car. Well, it technically began with an anthology. But not the anthology you’ll read it in.

You know what? Let’s back up a bit. There’s a story behind every story, and today, I’d like to tell you the tale of my latest.

It’s Called “If Pages Could Blush”

…And it appears in Unidentified Funny Objects 9, an anthology edited by Alex Shvartsman. We’ve also got stories from Jane Espenson, Lavie Tidhar, and Simon R. Green, amongst many other talented writers.

My story takes place in a library where the books are sentient. One of those books—the infamous Necronomicon—escapes from its section, no doubt for nefarious purposes. Now it’s up to Augustus Fluff, bumbling librarian’s apprentice, to apprehend the escapee.

How It Started

As I mentioned, “If Pages Could Blush” (we’ll call it “IPCB” from now on) began with an anthology. The theme? Send a story about books.

I had a few ideas. I drafted a tale where someone procures a forbidden book from an underground bookshop, then another about a book that transports readers to an alternate world (literally). After my usual trial-and-error cycle, I settled on a concept I liked: A book gets loose in a library.

The First Draft

Here’s the part about writing the story in my car. In the fall of 2021, during my work commute (shoutout to Special Olympics New York), I decided I’d do something besides listen to Limited Resources.

In the writer world, you hear legends of people who pen 4 or 5k words per day using the magic of dictation. Being the copycat that I am, I tried the same, starting with my escaped-book story. Here’s the first line of my first draft:

“A book was missing.”

Not the most riveting stuff. Also, according to my Google Doc, I began writing on October 14 at 8:35am, meaning I was late to work. For shame!

Things got better from there. My main character was a librarian who owned his own set of sentient books. When one escaped, he went on a quest to find it. However, as I wrote, the librarian became increasingly incompetent. His adventure took on a farcical tone because he was so flustered about the whole situation. So, I morphed my MC into an apprentice rather than a master.

Subsequent Drafts

In my next version, the Master Librarian established the rules of the world in the first scene (yes, she’s known as “The Master Librarian,” even in the final draft). My new main character, the Master Librarian’s bumbling apprentice, was named Augustus Gulp. I liked the name because it was contradictory: “Augustus” is an emperor’s title, yet “gulp” is the sound you make when you’re in trouble.

However, my writers’ group caught something. The name sounded awfully similar to Augustus Gloop, that gluttonous ginger kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Not a bad association, but not one I wanted, either. After a few days’ deliberation, “Gulp” became “Fluff.”

At the suggestion of both Sara and my writers’ group, I cut the opening scene with the Master Librarian, preferring instead to launch directly into the story. I tightened said story, too, adding references to my favorite books and clarifying the trail of clues leading to the denouement. The deadline for the anthology was January 31, 2022. I worked diligently to hit it.

(When I say “diligently,” I mean squeezing it in between games of Magic: The Gathering and reading sessions of Shakespeare’s Othello, which Goodreads tells me I was reading at the time. Justice for Desdemona.)

Anywho, eventually I finished “If Pages Could Blush”—or at least finished it enough to submit.

The Anthology

I use a handy little site called Duotrope to track my writing submissions. That’s how I know that, on January 31, 2022, I sent “IPCB” to the anthology. On March 24, I received a response that can be summed up in two words:

No thanks.

That one hurt. I’m used to rejections, as evidenced by my 115 submissions since 2013, with a rejection percentage of 85.8. Like baseball, a high-failure rate is part of the game.

Yet this proverbial strikeout stung more than the others. Why? Because I’d written the piece specifically for the market. It was like crafting the perfect gift for your Secret Santa, then watching them set it ablaze with a flamethrower.

Okay, that was melodramatic. But still, it was a bummer.

Furthermore, I thought “If Pages Could Blush” was pretty darn good. The concept was fun, the mystery felt satisfying to me, and early readers seemed to find it amusing. So what was wrong with it?

Nothing? Everything? The answers in art are never that clear.

A Brief Aside

You may not know this, but I once volunteered as a first reader for Grimdark Magazine. In that role, I read stuff.

…And then offered thoughtful feedback to the editor. But really, the position was well-named, because it was all reading.

Most of what I read was strong, yet little of it made the final mag. Why? Limited space in the issue. Topic too similar to previous stories. Elements that didn’t align with our theme.

In other words, there’s more to publishing than quality. Not to say quality isn’t the most important factor in any artistic endeavor—it’s just that those other, less visible details matter, too.

This is a long way of rationalizing my rejection. It’s how I convinced myself to continue submitting.

The Next Few Months

In May, I sent “IPCB” to three pro-paying markets. I received a one-day rejection, a 38-day rejection, and a shortlisting. Feeling encouraged by that last one, I submitted my story for the fifth (and, as it would turn out) final time.

I’d never read Unidentified Funny Objects before, but I’d heard of it. It’s one of the few pro-paying humorous fantasy/sci-fi markets around (professional payment being defined by Duotrope as “5 US cents per word and up”). UFO has also published stories by two of my literary heroes, Neil Gaiman and George R.R. Martin, so that was a definite draw.

Three days later, I received notice that “IPCB” was being held for final consideration. And, on September 24, 2022, my story was accepted.

Provisionally. (Dun dun DUN!)

The Edits

Alex Shvartsman, the aforementioned series editor, responded with the news. He said he’d be happy to accept my story, provided we agree on some changes.

To preserve editorial integrity, I won’t disclose those changes. (I’m new to this, so I’m honestly unsure if sharing would be considered tacky.) Suffice it to say there were four suggestions, and they all improved the piece.

After those edits came a round of copy edits, then signing the contract in blood (JK, it was a BIC). Then, finally, “If Pages Could Blush” became an official inclusion in UFO9. You can read a copy yourself.

The Takeaways

Prior to this, I’d only ever sold a single short story; those of you who’ve read Monsters at Dusk will remember it. It’s called “Thespian: A Tale of Tragedy and Redemption in Three Acts,” and Allegory gave me a cool $20 for it.

I don’t write for money. Yet still, someday I want to make a living off this writing thing. And earning 20 times what I had before? That felt pretty good.

Go Catch Your Copy Before It Escapes!

If you’ve made it this far, then why not read the story this entire story’s been about? Go grab your copy of Unidentified Funny Objects 9 on Kindle or paperback! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

I Survived NaNoWriMo (More or Less)

December 12, 2022 /

Background Image: “Nine Lives” by Paul Scott Canavan

30 days, 50,000 words, and one sorta-finished story. That’s what happened last month for NaNoWriMo.

The Stats

Being a sports fan, I always enjoy a few well-placed stats. So here are a few, just for you:

  • Final word count: 50,014
  • Highest daily word count: 2,280 on the 23rd
  • Lowest daily word count: 130 on the 30th (the last day)
  • Average daily word count: 1,667.13
  • Hours spent stressed out: Countless

I even got a cool little certificate for finishing.

My NaNoWriMo 2022 Certificate

The Book

The name of the book I wrote was Remembering the End: A Novel of Novel Apocalypse Tales. It began as a book about people telling end-of-the-world stories, and it ended that way, too—more or less.

My original framing story was simply a ruined world; colorless and lifeless and pretty damn boring. At the urging of both Sara and my writers’ group, I devised (what I hope is) a more interesting setting: a hotel. Here’s an excerpt:

I splashed lukewarm water on my face, then dried myself with a towel from the rack. I examined the name of the hotel, stenciled in gold stitching on the towel: the Interstitial.

Look, I’ve heard of the Hilton and the Ritz, but I’ve never heard of the Interstitial. I read the name several times, just to make sure my present condition wasn’t deceiving me, yet it seemed I was reading that right.

So, then I knew where I was. Sort of.

I returned to the main room, feeling only slightly better than prior, then I realized how damn cold I was. Forgive the image, but all I had on were my skivvies. There was no suitcase on the floor, so I searched the wardrobe and pulled on whatever clothes were in there. Turned out to be a pair of too-big sweatpants and an oversize hoodie depicting a rain of $100 bills. (At that point, I was really hoping the Interstitial wasn’t a fancy place.)

As I prepared to step outside the door, I noticed shadows flutter along the crack of light beneath the door. Looked like people, several people, had just passed by in the hallway. Not that I heard them. I opened the door, squinted into the light, and…

Nothing. No one up the hall or down. Empty.

This was more than a little unsettling, as I’m sure you can understand. I mean, on top of my nausea and general amnesia. I crept down the hall, suddenly feeling anxiety about what might happen next.

Music played from somewhere down the hall. Sounded instrumental, like the big-band sort of stuff you might’ve heard on the Titanic, though it was too distant for me to be sure. More artwork lined the walls, framed photos and paintings, all of them just as odd as the one in my room.

For example, one image showed an image of a planet from space. The planet was engulfed in flames, like the head of a torch. Another depicted what appeared to be a wasteland, filled with numerous corpses and skeletons, each attended by a swarm of carrion birds. The name of the painting was etched into the frame: “The Buffet, or All You Can Eat.”

At this point, I was starting to get a little worried.

Beyond that, I worked on four of a planned five stories to be told within the framing device, each narrated by a different guest. The working titles of those stories are…

  1. “Baby Magic: An American Myth, Featuring a Sloth”
  2. “Choops & the ‘Foot Investigate the Uninvited Guest”
  3. “Two Houses”
  4. “Festivals in Hell”

I reiterate: These are working titles (as is Remembering the End, for that matter). Some, if not all, will probably change prior to publication. Still, I hope you enjoy what I’ve got so far.

The Takeaways

First and foremost, this experience reinforced my aversion to daily word counts. I’ve written about this decision before, but basically, I need variety. I thrive on hopping from one project to another, returning to Project A when Project B stalls, and vice versa. It’s tough for me to slog through my writing, especially when inspiration is hiding.

That happened a lot during NaNoWriMo. Not that I didn’t like Remembering the End—it’s just that I’d often come to a narrative roadblock and feel compelled to bust my way through rather than devise a clever way around. Ideally, I’d work on something else in the meantime.

But hey, on the bright side, I’ve got most of a new book in my back pocket for 2023. It’s not done, but it’s a lot more done than it was a month ago. Looking forward to sharing more with you soon!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

I’m Halfway Through NaNoWriMo 2022, And…

November 15, 2022 /

If NaNoWriMo was a baseball season, this would be my mid-season slump. Just check out my graph…

Why the sudden decline? Several reasons:

  1. My wife and I traveled to Yankee Stadium to see our alma mater, Ithaca College, crush our arch rivals, Cortland University, in the annual Cortaca Jug football game. Let’s go Bombers!
  2. I have a cold (probably from the game).
  3. I’m stumbling on my story.

Not struggling—just stumbling. I’ve completed three of a planned five parts of Remembering the End, but part four is giving me issues. Still working through them on my way to the right draft.

Here’s a bit from my work-in-progress. It’s from the part called “Summers in Hell”:

Hell is cold.

The wind cracks your bones, the snow falls when it wishes, and the old fires stand frozen on the tundra, locked in snapshots of dancing ecstasy.

Hell is cold.

The demons live in igloos. Every day, they fish beneath the ice for the souls of the damned, and every day they nab the same tortured people on their serrated fishing hooks, pulling them up all blue and drenched and sputtering. They roast the souls over fires until they’re crisped and blackened, and then the demons eat them with a side of baked beans and Bob Evans mashed potatoes. In Hell, the meals are always the same.

Overnight, the seven suns of Hell set and the demons retreat to their igloos. Their fires freeze and the holes they drilled ice over, and when they emerge from their igloos at first light, they do it all again. They catch the same damned souls, roast them, eat them, day after day after day, forever, eternally.

Hell is very cold.

Now if that doesn’t make you hungry, I don’t know what will.

Oh, and It’s Still Gizzvember

Yes, King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard is officially my new favorite band. They’ve played the soundtrack to my writing, whether it’s bluesy boogie, hard rock, or heavy metal. I’ve listened to all 23 of their studio albums, and I’m now working through their live bootleg catalog. My wife is loosing patience with the constant Gizzard playing around the house, so I suppose I’ll have to scale things back eventually.

Side note: When I was proofreading my last email, my computer pronounced “Gizzvember” as “Jizzvember,” which was concerning.

How About You?

Overall, it’s been a fun, if hectic, November thus far. Are you doing NaNoWriMo? If so, let me know!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

I’m Joining NaNoWriMo 2022

November 1, 2022 /

I succeeded once, failed once, and now I’ll be doing one or the other again. NaNoWriMo, here I come!

That stands for National Novel Writing Month, by the way. It begins today and ends when November does. My mission: To write a 50,000-word manuscript in 30 days.

Last Time

Last time I tried NaNoWriMo was 2019. That was the failure.

…Well, I shouldn’t say that. I got about 45k into the book, then quit when I felt it wasn’t working. That was Short Contracts, a book about a sports league in a fantasy setting (not to be confused with fantasy sports). I plan to return to it when the time is right.

I also tried NaNoWriMo in 2017. That was the success. I wrote what Stephen King would call a trunk novel, which is one of those books you finish but save for later. It’s called Upstate and a While Back. Someday I’ll reveal it from the trunk.

The experience was fun but grueling, especially in the latter half of November. 50k words is all about consistency and planning, as I remember, so we’ll see if I’m up to the task.

This Time

This month, I’ll be working on a story called Remembering the End: A Novel of Novel Apocalypse Stories. Think Canterbury Tales, except it’s about worlds ending. Cheery, right?

Honestly, I hope so. I’ve already got a head start on one character’s story, and it’s turned out fairly comic (like most of my stuff). I anticipate the rest to be the same—though I’ve only got vague ideas for them. And when I say vague, I mean super vague. Like, the ending of Mulholland Drive vague.

Anyhoo, I’ll be tracking my progress on this here chart:

NaNoWriMo Progress

Yes, that is Magic: The Gathering artwork in the background. I use it in my MTG articles, but I like the cats, so I’m using it again here.

The Distractions

Over the past year I’ve recalibrated my writing strategy to be less about word count (in fact, I wrote an article all about it). For NaNoWriMo, I’ve got to readjust. Gonna be a challenge for sure.

Also, November is going to be a busy month. Here are some of the non-writing activities I’m doing:

  • November 11: Playing in my first Magic: The Gathering tournament since 2018.
  • November 12: Being a raging fan at the Cortaca Jug game at Yankee Stadium. Go Bombers!
  • November 15: The new Magic set releases online. Always a major distraction.
  • November 24: Thanksgiving. (And my beloved New York Giants are playing the hated Dallas Cowboys.)

Oh yeah, and I still have to work and stuff. Doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re writing 50,000 words in 30 days, you can’t really afford to take time off.

Will I Succeed?

Reply hazy, ask again later. But here’s what I can promise: I’ll be checking in with you throughout the month. Here’s the schedule…

  • November 1: This blog post.
  • November 7: Email newsletter.
  • November 14: Another blog post.
  • November 21: Another email.
  • December 5: An email and blog post summing it all up.

If you want to follow along as I slowly descend into madness, feel free to subscribe to my newsletter below. Wish me luck!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

A Muggle Parent’s Questions About Academics at Hogwarts

October 11, 2022 /

Hogwarts Questions

Dear Hogwarts Admissions Office,

My name is Kyle Massa and the only magic I know is the trading card game. Nonetheless, I’m considering sending my daughter to your school, provided you can answer some quick questions.

First, what’s the approximate mortality rate among students? I ask because the brochure mentions giant spiders in the woods, secret chambers beneath the castle, and ghosts of former students haunting the bathrooms. Also, the liability waiver is longer than Infinite Jest. Should I be concerned about this?

Second, where are the math classes? I never liked math and, truth be told, I dropped out of precalculus after two classes. Still, basic mathematical skills seem important in the everyday world, magical or otherwise, yet all I’m seeing is stuff like Transfiguration (whatever that is). Does this mean wizards can’t calculate tips? If not, will Grubhub still deliver to the school?

My third question is about PTAs. Most Muggle schools have them, yet Hogwarts appears not to. I have no firsthand experience of such things, but I hear PTAs are sort of like a prison sentence, except you volunteer for it. More experienced parents have advised me never to speak of them, lest someone mistake it for interest.

You know what? This isn’t a question—more a congratulations on not having PTAs. Well done.

Actual question number three: What’s your cell phone policy? Ubiquitous cell usage was just beginning during my school days, yet even then administrators spent roughly half their tenure confiscating Motorola Razrs. So what’s the Hogwarts policy? (My suggestion: Outlaw Snapchat. It’s the worst.)

My fourth question is about the houses. Here are my general impressions:

  • Gryffindor: The home for future world leaders with no discernible issues or shortcomings.
  • Slytherin: A pack of cheats, sociopaths, and borderline white supremacists.
  • Hufflepuff: A bunch of randos who do nothing noteworthy, except maybe die.
  • Ravenclaw: See above.

Look, I know tribalism is fun for kids (e.g. Lord of the Flies). However, after careful research, I’ve concluded that Gryffindor is the only house a parent would want their child in. If my daughter got into Slytherin, for example, I’d immediately hire several psychiatrists and hide all the knives in the house.

And hey, does your food contain laxatives? This is my fifth question. I ask because, when I was a freshman at Ithaca College, one of my good friends insisted the campus food was laced with laxatives. He provided no evidence other than claiming he was pooping a lot (we took his word for it). According to his theory, if we drained our bodies frequently, we’d need to eat more, thereby making the college more money.

I reiterate: This was never proven. I am not suggesting my alma mater tampered with our food. But does Hogwarts? I’m asking as a concerned parent.

I could go on, but I’m running out of ink and this owl you sent to retrieve my letter won’t stop staring at me. Which brings up another question: Do you have email?

Best,

Kyle

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The World Without Coffee

October 1, 2022 /

The World Without Coffee

The world without coffee is, I must say, a horrifying alternate reality. However, here in the World Without series, we don’t avoid difficult topics. We examine them head-on, with courage, humor, and, fortunately, caffeine.

So get ready, people. In a world without coffee…

…We’d Live in The Hunger Games

Coffee contains caffeine, which is the chief reason most folks drink it—unless you’re one of those weirdos who drinks decaf. In such cases, I must assume you also enjoy non-alcoholic beer, sugar-free Coke, and rock songs without guitar solos. Are you all right? I’m asking as a friend.

Sorry, let’s get back on track. According to the National Coffee Association (yes, there is a national association dedicated to coffee), 62% of Americans drink coffee every day. I’d guess a significant portion of them drink the caffeinated sort. Without it, waking up for work would be difficult, if not downright impossible.

What if we extend this logic further? If people can’t wake up for work, they work less. If that happens, the gross domestic product of countries shrivels, trade suffers, and the world descends into chaos. Hence, a Hunger Games scenario. (I fell asleep during the fourth movie, so hopefully it ends well.)

…We’d Have to Resort to Alternate Forms of Caffeine

Tea, for example. Or soda. Or energy drinks. Or cocaine.

Look, I know cocaine is far more stimulating than caffeine. But from my understanding, it’s sort of like caffeine on cocaine—not that I would know from experience (I promise I’ve never done cocaine, Mom). I’m just saying, people would need something to wake them up. Who can say it wouldn’t be the 80s all over again?

…Toilets Would Be Used Less Frequently

Everybody knows that coffee makes you poop. Without your morning joe, you’d be less regular (I know I would). And when you get constipated, you get irritable, so the world would probably be a lot grouchier, too.

…We’d Lose the “Caution: Contents Are Hot” Warning

That’s because it comes from an infamous 1992 case in which Stella Liebeck sued McDonald’s for serving coffee so hot it gave her third-degree burns when spilled. I wonder why we don’t have more of these warnings, such as “Caution: knife is sharp.”

…People’s Breath Would Smell Better

No other beverage makes breath smell worse (unless you’re a fan of onion broth). This has become even more apparent while wearing masks everywhere.

…The Starbucks Empire Would Collapse

And I would play my fiddle while it burned. The downfall of Starbucks would devastate millions of people, but personally, I think it’s vastly overrated. Sure, they have some decent stuff, like that sweet vanilla cold brew thing. But Starbucks reminds me a little of NXIVM, and any chain that substitutes the word “large” for “venti” is clearly full of itself.

Another strike against it: I have a personal vendetta. When I was a young lad, there was a combination KFC/Taco Bell only 15 minutes from my house. When the KFC left, I was hurt. When the Taco Bell left, I was devastated. And you know what replaced them?

A Starbucks. Never forgive, never forget.

…Interns Would Become Obsolete

When I interned in Los Angeles, I’d say a good 68% of my job was hustling down to the Starbucks on Wilshire Blvd (yet another reason I hate the Bucks). Plus, one of my professors once said Los Angeles is built on the backs of interns. So if interns didn’t have coffee runs to make, L.A. would crumble. A definite bummer, but at least there’d be less traffic.

…Undercover Police Would Need Another Way to Stay Awake

Again, I don’t want to say cocaine, but…cocaine?

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Thankfully, we live in a world with coffee, and today’s the day to celebrate it. Now please excuse me while I brew a fresh pot. Happy International Coffee Day!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Chocolate

September 11, 2022 /

The World Without Chocolate

Cake. Syrup. Mousse. Cookies. Pudding.

Those desserts (and so many more) would suffer without chocolate. Yes, reader, that’s the bleak scenario we’re examining today. In a world without chocolate…

…Things Would Get Gloomy

That’s the word my wife used to describe this alternate reality, along with a sad sigh. Sorry to bum you out, Sara.

…Several Holidays Would Die

We have numerous choco-based holidays, including Easter, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day. Without the chocolate, what would we be celebrating? Rabbits? Pumpkin mutilation? Love? Come on now.

Of those three holidays, Halloween would have it worst, since the entire conceit of the night is stuffing yourself with chocolate until you puke, all while pretending to be someone else to hide your shame. And without chocolate, Milky Way, Twix, and Snickers are out, leaving whatever’s left in people’s cupboards. Hope you like expired Saltines, kids.

…Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Would Need a New Setting

Maybe not the worst thing, since both versions of this film are super creepy. I’ve never read the book, but knowing Roald Dahl, it’s probably just as disturbing—if not more so.

Also, did you know there’s a prequel movie slated for release next year? It’s an origin story for Willy Wonka, because apparently we needed the Dahl Cinematic Universe.

…Matilda Would Be More Enjoyable

Speaking of movies, Matilda is another DCU film, the one where school faculty forces some kid to eat an entire chocolate cake, solo. For many, this would be a delight. However, this particular cake is made from the “sweat and blood” of the lunch lady.

It’s a grotesque sequence, enough so that it ruined chocolate cake for my sister for at least a few months. Quite the astounding feat considering she requested a seven-layer chocolate cake for her birthday one year (my mom vetoed that idea).

…Peanut Butter Would Lose a Longtime Ally

As they so frequently remind us on Reese’s commercials, chocolate and peanut butter go together like Jagger and Richards (except for the 80s). Peanut butter would still have jelly and fluff, I suppose, but jelly is messy and fluff is objectively gross.

…Vanilla Would Own a De Facto Monopoly Over Soft Serve Ice Cream

As it stands, our standard soft serve options are vanilla and chocolate. Without the latter, we’d have no selection, not even a twist. I’ve never been partial to soft serve chocolate, but even I must admit, this sounds like slim pickings.

…Count Chocula Would Need a Rebrand

To what, Count Vanilla? Vanilla is literally synonymous with boring. We can’t have that.

…The Cookie Monster Would Lose His Favorite Cookie

I recommend the snickerdoodle as a replacement, both for the taste and the name.

…Cookie Crisp Would Cease to Exist

Maybe not a bad thing; it’s the antithesis of nutrition. I don’t understand why the FDA ever approved the stuff. Also, if we’ve learned anything from the last three points, it’s that a world without chocolate would decimate many people’s childhoods.

…No More Chocolataires

Did you know such a thing was a thing? Because I didn’t.

Not to be confused with a chocolatier, chocolataires are parties where every food and beverage served contains some form of chocolate. Apparently, this type of shindig was biggest in the early 1900s. (This is all according to Wikipedia, so if I’m the victim of an elaborate trolling, I apologize.)

Such a party would be tough to hold without chocolate. Truth be told, I’m just trying to imagine the menu with chocolate. Something like this…?

  • Hors d’oeuvres: Cocoa Puffs, fudge Pop Tarts, and random chocolates from a Whitman’s Sampler
  • Drink of the evening: Chocolate milk
  • First course: A traditional Caesar salad doused in Hershey’s syrup in lieu of dressing
  • Second course: A slice of pepperoni pizza (the pepperonis are Reese’s Cups)
  • Third course: A seemingly normal pork roast, only someone injected the meat with searing hot fudge
  • Dessert: Chocolate ice cream topped with chocolate sauce and chocolate sprinkles, packed with chocolate chips and chocolate chunks, all floating on a bed of chocolate mousse, served with Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing” playing in the background
  • Party favor: Lines of cocoa powder that you snort off a golden platter

Hmm. Maybe we’d be better off if these never existed.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

We all need a little chocolate in our lives from time to time, else things would definitely get gloomy. For my wife’s sake, I’m glad it’s still here.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The subject for this article came from a reader named Cherry. Thanks, Cherry! You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

Ready for Misery: A 2022 New York Giants Season Preview

September 6, 2022 /
Giants Season Preview

All-Pro Reels, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Big Blue is back and bluer than ever. Another NFL season is upon us!

Yes, pity me, reader. I’m a New York Giants fan. Just like last year, I’m getting you set with a preview article. Here are all the reasons to be both hopeful and depressed (mostly depressed).

Last Season

…Was a dumpster fire. Whether it was the slew of injuries, the anemic offense, or the infamous back-to-back QB sneaks, nothing went right. The only good thing about the season was its conclusion, along with General Manager David Gettleman’s retirement and the firings of Head Coach Joe Judge and Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett. I don’t enjoy rooting for people to lose their jobs, but in these cases, it felt warranted.

The Offseason

Gettleman, Judge, and Garrett weren’t the only departures. The Giants cleaned house in the front office; by my count, 20 positions were replaced or eliminated. The most notable new arrivals are Head Coach Brian Daboll and General Manager Joe Schoen, both coming from the Buffalo Bills and both doing their respective jobs for the first time.

Of the two, Daboll worries me most. Why? Since Tom Coughlin left in 2016, here are the Giants’ non-interim head coaches:

  • Ben McAdoo (the guy who looked like he was reading from a Denny’s menu)
  • Pat Shurmur (the guy with a lifetime coaching record of 19-26)
  • Joe Judge (the guy Sally Jenkins compared to a clown)

All three served as successful assistant coaches prior to their hirings. All three fizzled after two years in NYC. Seeing a pattern here?

Like his predecessors, Daboll was a hotshot coordinator with little or no previous head coaching experience. Sure, he’s likely better than the others. But after three failed attempts, why do we think the fourth will work? Why didn’t we instead hire a proven, competent NFL coach, like Brian Flores? Because that’s Giants football, baby.

And somehow, this isn’t even the team’s most dubious offseason move. That award goes to a trio of cuts: Veterans James Bradberry, Logan Ryan, and Blake Martinez, all trimmed to clear cap space.

Cap space for what, you ask? The piggy bank, I suppose, since the team’s best acquisitions were Matt Breida, Jon Feliciano, and Tyrod Taylor, all castoffs from the Buffalo Bills (because the Bills are trendy right now).

The Draft

At least this went well. With two picks in the top 10, the Giants selected Oregon defensive end Kayvon Thibodeaux and Alabama offensive tackle Evan Neal. Many analysts considered Thibodeaux the most talented player in the draft, but after launching his own cryptocurrency, NFL GMs questioned his focus, hence his fall to the Giants at pick five.

Umm. Okay? I don’t understand cryptocurrencies, either, but I wouldn’t call them a red flag. Whatever. The Giants got Thibodeaux, so that makes me happy.

Of course, in typical Giants fashion, he got injured in the preseason and will miss several weeks, barring any setbacks. Best invest in KayvonCoin now.

What to Expect This Season

The easy answer is mediocrity. Quarterback Daniel “Dimes” Jones has showed little improvement (if any) during his three years in the NFL. Also, after cutting Bradberry and Ryan and losing safety Jabrill Peppers in free agency, the Giants’ secondary looks about as formidable as a “please slow down” sign written in crayon.

And yet…

There is a case for success. First, they have one of the easiest schedules in football based on projected win totals. Second, their division is one of the worst; Washington spent draft capital to acquire Carson Wentz (rivals Daniel Jones for turnover creativity), Dallas is always overhyped (don’t deny it), and Philly is coached by this guy:

Third, the Giants have a contingency plan at quarterback: Tyrod Taylor. He’s not flashy, but he’s competent. Despite his cool nickname, Danny Dimes has played more like Danny Ha’Penny. I expect Tyrod to arrive around week four or five.

Get Ready for Football

When you’re a Giants fan, pessimism is never a bad look. But with New York’s season kicking off Sunday, September 11, there’s still time to hope. It might be miserable, but hey. At least it’s football.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The World Without Left Handers

August 13, 2022 /

Left Handers Would Without

Today, on this sacred day—this National Left Handers Day—we come together to celebrate everyone who smudges ink when they write.

I’m not entirely altruistic in this endeavor, since I myself am a southpaw. I am, however, what my wife has dubbed a “fake lefty,” since all I do with my left hand is write, eat, and bat.

Nonetheless, whether you’re a pure lefty or a fake, today is your day. To celebrate, let’s remind everyone what they’d be missing without us. In a world without left handers…

…No More Mona Lisa, Vitruvian Man, or Last Supper

All these images were made by the left hand of one Mr. Leonardo da Vinci, whom you may have heard of. I don’t know enough about art to speculate on the butterfly effect, but I do know this: Without da Vinci, there’s no more Da Vinci Code, neither book nor movie. And without them, where else would you see an albino dude flagellating himself?

…The Leftorium Would Close

Even faster than it did on that Simpsons episode.

…No More Social Media

Yes, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is left-handed. As the first social media juggernaut and progenitor of the news feed, he paved the way for every other network we have today. Would the world be better off without YouTubers and TikTok personalities? I’d imagine so.

By extension, the world would also lose the 2012 film The Social Network, which I still have not seen, which seems to anger people whenever they hear it. Why, I bet you’re angry at me right now.

…The New York Yankees Would’ve Won Four World Series in a Row

You might remember the Yankees improbable loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks in the 2001 World Series after winning three straight in the years prior. This defeat was in no small part due to Randy Johnson, a.k.a. the Big Unit (a nickname that sounds vaguely dirty, especially for a guy with the surname “Johnson”). The Big Unit is a lefty, and without him, the Diamondbacks would’ve lost.

Don’t believe me? Well, in that best-of-seven series, guess how many games Johnson won? Three. No wonder he earned series MVP.

…The Term “Southpaw” Would Not Exist

Speaking of baseball, baseball is where we get this delightful term. Though this story is disputed by some, here it is: Baseball fields were designed for batters to face east, thereby avoiding a sun-in-the-eyes situation. On such a field, left-handed pitchers faced west, meaning their pitching arms would point south. Without left handers, you wouldn’t have this fun anecdote to share at your next party.

…The Plot of the Film Yesterday Would Become Reality

Disclaimer: I have never actually seen this movie—but I have seen the trailer. Basically, a guy wakes up to find he’s the only person who remembers the Beatles.

It’s not exactly a world without the Beatles, but in a world without lefties, there would be no Paul McCartney, and without Paul, the Beatles would never have been the Beatles. I mean, “Helter Skelter”? “When I’m Sixty-Four”? “Penny Lane”? “FourFiveSeconds”? These are classics, people.

…Modern Guitar Players Would Stink

Speaking of musicians, if you’ve ever played an electric guitar, you’ve been influenced by Jimi Hendrix—you just don’t know it yet. And Mr. Hendrix was, of course, a lefty. (As the story goes, his first guitar was a right-handed instrument strung upside down.)

How many guitarists did Hendrix inspire? The list is endless, but here are several you’ve probably heard of:

  • John Frusciante of Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Slash of Guns N’ Roses
  • Lenny Kravitz
  • Stevie Ray Vaughan
  • John Mayer

I might’ve once omitted John Mayer from this list because his solo stuff is so annoying, but after seeing him play with Dead & Company, I’ve got to give him props.

…Say Goodbye to Caesar Salads

Yes, Julius Caesar was a lefty. And yes, I realize this is about the least consequential thing the guy was responsible for. But, speaking selfishly, the caesar dressing at my favorite local restaurant is worthy of an emperor. Without it, what am I going to get, vinaigrette? I’d rather be stabbed by senators.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Happy National Left Handers Day out there! Even if you’re a righty, you can join the festivities by doing everything left-handed. What could possibly go wrong?

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

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