Category: Blog (Page 4 of 25)

I Survived NaNoWriMo (More or Less)

December 12, 2022 /

Background Image: “Nine Lives” by Paul Scott Canavan

30 days, 50,000 words, and one sorta-finished story. That’s what happened last month for NaNoWriMo.

The Stats

Being a sports fan, I always enjoy a few well-placed stats. So here are a few, just for you:

  • Final word count: 50,014
  • Highest daily word count: 2,280 on the 23rd
  • Lowest daily word count: 130 on the 30th (the last day)
  • Average daily word count: 1,667.13
  • Hours spent stressed out: Countless

I even got a cool little certificate for finishing.

My NaNoWriMo 2022 Certificate

The Book

The name of the book I wrote was Remembering the End: A Novel of Novel Apocalypse Tales. It began as a book about people telling end-of-the-world stories, and it ended that way, too—more or less.

My original framing story was simply a ruined world; colorless and lifeless and pretty damn boring. At the urging of both Sara and my writers’ group, I devised (what I hope is) a more interesting setting: a hotel. Here’s an excerpt:

I splashed lukewarm water on my face, then dried myself with a towel from the rack. I examined the name of the hotel, stenciled in gold stitching on the towel: the Interstitial.

Look, I’ve heard of the Hilton and the Ritz, but I’ve never heard of the Interstitial. I read the name several times, just to make sure my present condition wasn’t deceiving me, yet it seemed I was reading that right.

So, then I knew where I was. Sort of.

I returned to the main room, feeling only slightly better than prior, then I realized how damn cold I was. Forgive the image, but all I had on were my skivvies. There was no suitcase on the floor, so I searched the wardrobe and pulled on whatever clothes were in there. Turned out to be a pair of too-big sweatpants and an oversize hoodie depicting a rain of $100 bills. (At that point, I was really hoping the Interstitial wasn’t a fancy place.)

As I prepared to step outside the door, I noticed shadows flutter along the crack of light beneath the door. Looked like people, several people, had just passed by in the hallway. Not that I heard them. I opened the door, squinted into the light, and…

Nothing. No one up the hall or down. Empty.

This was more than a little unsettling, as I’m sure you can understand. I mean, on top of my nausea and general amnesia. I crept down the hall, suddenly feeling anxiety about what might happen next.

Music played from somewhere down the hall. Sounded instrumental, like the big-band sort of stuff you might’ve heard on the Titanic, though it was too distant for me to be sure. More artwork lined the walls, framed photos and paintings, all of them just as odd as the one in my room.

For example, one image showed an image of a planet from space. The planet was engulfed in flames, like the head of a torch. Another depicted what appeared to be a wasteland, filled with numerous corpses and skeletons, each attended by a swarm of carrion birds. The name of the painting was etched into the frame: “The Buffet, or All You Can Eat.”

At this point, I was starting to get a little worried.

Beyond that, I worked on four of a planned five stories to be told within the framing device, each narrated by a different guest. The working titles of those stories are…

  1. “Baby Magic: An American Myth, Featuring a Sloth”
  2. “Choops & the ‘Foot Investigate the Uninvited Guest”
  3. “Two Houses”
  4. “Festivals in Hell”

I reiterate: These are working titles (as is Remembering the End, for that matter). Some, if not all, will probably change prior to publication. Still, I hope you enjoy what I’ve got so far.

The Takeaways

First and foremost, this experience reinforced my aversion to daily word counts. I’ve written about this decision before, but basically, I need variety. I thrive on hopping from one project to another, returning to Project A when Project B stalls, and vice versa. It’s tough for me to slog through my writing, especially when inspiration is hiding.

That happened a lot during NaNoWriMo. Not that I didn’t like Remembering the End—it’s just that I’d often come to a narrative roadblock and feel compelled to bust my way through rather than devise a clever way around. Ideally, I’d work on something else in the meantime.

But hey, on the bright side, I’ve got most of a new book in my back pocket for 2023. It’s not done, but it’s a lot more done than it was a month ago. Looking forward to sharing more with you soon!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

I’m Halfway Through NaNoWriMo 2022, And…

November 15, 2022 /

If NaNoWriMo was a baseball season, this would be my mid-season slump. Just check out my graph…

Why the sudden decline? Several reasons:

  1. My wife and I traveled to Yankee Stadium to see our alma mater, Ithaca College, crush our arch rivals, Cortland University, in the annual Cortaca Jug football game. Let’s go Bombers!
  2. I have a cold (probably from the game).
  3. I’m stumbling on my story.

Not struggling—just stumbling. I’ve completed three of a planned five parts of Remembering the End, but part four is giving me issues. Still working through them on my way to the right draft.

Here’s a bit from my work-in-progress. It’s from the part called “Summers in Hell”:

Hell is cold.

The wind cracks your bones, the snow falls when it wishes, and the old fires stand frozen on the tundra, locked in snapshots of dancing ecstasy.

Hell is cold.

The demons live in igloos. Every day, they fish beneath the ice for the souls of the damned, and every day they nab the same tortured people on their serrated fishing hooks, pulling them up all blue and drenched and sputtering. They roast the souls over fires until they’re crisped and blackened, and then the demons eat them with a side of baked beans and Bob Evans mashed potatoes. In Hell, the meals are always the same.

Overnight, the seven suns of Hell set and the demons retreat to their igloos. Their fires freeze and the holes they drilled ice over, and when they emerge from their igloos at first light, they do it all again. They catch the same damned souls, roast them, eat them, day after day after day, forever, eternally.

Hell is very cold.

Now if that doesn’t make you hungry, I don’t know what will.

Oh, and It’s Still Gizzvember

Yes, King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard is officially my new favorite band. They’ve played the soundtrack to my writing, whether it’s bluesy boogie, hard rock, or heavy metal. I’ve listened to all 23 of their studio albums, and I’m now working through their live bootleg catalog. My wife is loosing patience with the constant Gizzard playing around the house, so I suppose I’ll have to scale things back eventually.

Side note: When I was proofreading my last email, my computer pronounced “Gizzvember” as “Jizzvember,” which was concerning.

How About You?

Overall, it’s been a fun, if hectic, November thus far. Are you doing NaNoWriMo? If so, let me know!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

I’m Joining NaNoWriMo 2022

November 1, 2022 /

I succeeded once, failed once, and now I’ll be doing one or the other again. NaNoWriMo, here I come!

That stands for National Novel Writing Month, by the way. It begins today and ends when November does. My mission: To write a 50,000-word manuscript in 30 days.

Last Time

Last time I tried NaNoWriMo was 2019. That was the failure.

…Well, I shouldn’t say that. I got about 45k into the book, then quit when I felt it wasn’t working. That was Short Contracts, a book about a sports league in a fantasy setting (not to be confused with fantasy sports). I plan to return to it when the time is right.

I also tried NaNoWriMo in 2017. That was the success. I wrote what Stephen King would call a trunk novel, which is one of those books you finish but save for later. It’s called Upstate and a While Back. Someday I’ll reveal it from the trunk.

The experience was fun but grueling, especially in the latter half of November. 50k words is all about consistency and planning, as I remember, so we’ll see if I’m up to the task.

This Time

This month, I’ll be working on a story called Remembering the End: A Novel of Novel Apocalypse Stories. Think Canterbury Tales, except it’s about worlds ending. Cheery, right?

Honestly, I hope so. I’ve already got a head start on one character’s story, and it’s turned out fairly comic (like most of my stuff). I anticipate the rest to be the same—though I’ve only got vague ideas for them. And when I say vague, I mean super vague. Like, the ending of Mulholland Drive vague.

Anyhoo, I’ll be tracking my progress on this here chart:

NaNoWriMo Progress

Yes, that is Magic: The Gathering artwork in the background. I use it in my MTG articles, but I like the cats, so I’m using it again here.

The Distractions

Over the past year I’ve recalibrated my writing strategy to be less about word count (in fact, I wrote an article all about it). For NaNoWriMo, I’ve got to readjust. Gonna be a challenge for sure.

Also, November is going to be a busy month. Here are some of the non-writing activities I’m doing:

  • November 11: Playing in my first Magic: The Gathering tournament since 2018.
  • November 12: Being a raging fan at the Cortaca Jug game at Yankee Stadium. Go Bombers!
  • November 15: The new Magic set releases online. Always a major distraction.
  • November 24: Thanksgiving. (And my beloved New York Giants are playing the hated Dallas Cowboys.)

Oh yeah, and I still have to work and stuff. Doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re writing 50,000 words in 30 days, you can’t really afford to take time off.

Will I Succeed?

Reply hazy, ask again later. But here’s what I can promise: I’ll be checking in with you throughout the month. Here’s the schedule…

  • November 1: This blog post.
  • November 7: Email newsletter.
  • November 14: Another blog post.
  • November 21: Another email.
  • December 5: An email and blog post summing it all up.

If you want to follow along as I slowly descend into madness, feel free to subscribe to my newsletter below. Wish me luck!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

A Muggle Parent’s Questions About Academics at Hogwarts

October 11, 2022 /

Hogwarts Questions

Dear Hogwarts Admissions Office,

My name is Kyle Massa and the only magic I know is the trading card game. Nonetheless, I’m considering sending my daughter to your school, provided you can answer some quick questions.

First, what’s the approximate mortality rate among students? I ask because the brochure mentions giant spiders in the woods, secret chambers beneath the castle, and ghosts of former students haunting the bathrooms. Also, the liability waiver is longer than Infinite Jest. Should I be concerned about this?

Second, where are the math classes? I never liked math and, truth be told, I dropped out of precalculus after two classes. Still, basic mathematical skills seem important in the everyday world, magical or otherwise, yet all I’m seeing is stuff like Transfiguration (whatever that is). Does this mean wizards can’t calculate tips? If not, will Grubhub still deliver to the school?

My third question is about PTAs. Most Muggle schools have them, yet Hogwarts appears not to. I have no firsthand experience of such things, but I hear PTAs are sort of like a prison sentence, except you volunteer for it. More experienced parents have advised me never to speak of them, lest someone mistake it for interest.

You know what? This isn’t a question—more a congratulations on not having PTAs. Well done.

Actual question number three: What’s your cell phone policy? Ubiquitous cell usage was just beginning during my school days, yet even then administrators spent roughly half their tenure confiscating Motorola Razrs. So what’s the Hogwarts policy? (My suggestion: Outlaw Snapchat. It’s the worst.)

My fourth question is about the houses. Here are my general impressions:

  • Gryffindor: The home for future world leaders with no discernible issues or shortcomings.
  • Slytherin: A pack of cheats, sociopaths, and borderline white supremacists.
  • Hufflepuff: A bunch of randos who do nothing noteworthy, except maybe die.
  • Ravenclaw: See above.

Look, I know tribalism is fun for kids (e.g. Lord of the Flies). However, after careful research, I’ve concluded that Gryffindor is the only house a parent would want their child in. If my daughter got into Slytherin, for example, I’d immediately hire several psychiatrists and hide all the knives in the house.

And hey, does your food contain laxatives? This is my fifth question. I ask because, when I was a freshman at Ithaca College, one of my good friends insisted the campus food was laced with laxatives. He provided no evidence other than claiming he was pooping a lot (we took his word for it). According to his theory, if we drained our bodies frequently, we’d need to eat more, thereby making the college more money.

I reiterate: This was never proven. I am not suggesting my alma mater tampered with our food. But does Hogwarts? I’m asking as a concerned parent.

I could go on, but I’m running out of ink and this owl you sent to retrieve my letter won’t stop staring at me. Which brings up another question: Do you have email?

Best,

Kyle

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The World Without Coffee

October 1, 2022 /

The World Without Coffee

The world without coffee is, I must say, a horrifying alternate reality. However, here in the World Without series, we don’t avoid difficult topics. We examine them head-on, with courage, humor, and, fortunately, caffeine.

So get ready, people. In a world without coffee…

…We’d Live in The Hunger Games

Coffee contains caffeine, which is the chief reason most folks drink it—unless you’re one of those weirdos who drinks decaf. In such cases, I must assume you also enjoy non-alcoholic beer, sugar-free Coke, and rock songs without guitar solos. Are you all right? I’m asking as a friend.

Sorry, let’s get back on track. According to the National Coffee Association (yes, there is a national association dedicated to coffee), 62% of Americans drink coffee every day. I’d guess a significant portion of them drink the caffeinated sort. Without it, waking up for work would be difficult, if not downright impossible.

What if we extend this logic further? If people can’t wake up for work, they work less. If that happens, the gross domestic product of countries shrivels, trade suffers, and the world descends into chaos. Hence, a Hunger Games scenario. (I fell asleep during the fourth movie, so hopefully it ends well.)

…We’d Have to Resort to Alternate Forms of Caffeine

Tea, for example. Or soda. Or energy drinks. Or cocaine.

Look, I know cocaine is far more stimulating than caffeine. But from my understanding, it’s sort of like caffeine on cocaine—not that I would know from experience (I promise I’ve never done cocaine, Mom). I’m just saying, people would need something to wake them up. Who can say it wouldn’t be the 80s all over again?

…Toilets Would Be Used Less Frequently

Everybody knows that coffee makes you poop. Without your morning joe, you’d be less regular (I know I would). And when you get constipated, you get irritable, so the world would probably be a lot grouchier, too.

…We’d Lose the “Caution: Contents Are Hot” Warning

That’s because it comes from an infamous 1992 case in which Stella Liebeck sued McDonald’s for serving coffee so hot it gave her third-degree burns when spilled. I wonder why we don’t have more of these warnings, such as “Caution: knife is sharp.”

…People’s Breath Would Smell Better

No other beverage makes breath smell worse (unless you’re a fan of onion broth). This has become even more apparent while wearing masks everywhere.

…The Starbucks Empire Would Collapse

And I would play my fiddle while it burned. The downfall of Starbucks would devastate millions of people, but personally, I think it’s vastly overrated. Sure, they have some decent stuff, like that sweet vanilla cold brew thing. But Starbucks reminds me a little of NXIVM, and any chain that substitutes the word “large” for “venti” is clearly full of itself.

Another strike against it: I have a personal vendetta. When I was a young lad, there was a combination KFC/Taco Bell only 15 minutes from my house. When the KFC left, I was hurt. When the Taco Bell left, I was devastated. And you know what replaced them?

A Starbucks. Never forgive, never forget.

…Interns Would Become Obsolete

When I interned in Los Angeles, I’d say a good 68% of my job was hustling down to the Starbucks on Wilshire Blvd (yet another reason I hate the Bucks). Plus, one of my professors once said Los Angeles is built on the backs of interns. So if interns didn’t have coffee runs to make, L.A. would crumble. A definite bummer, but at least there’d be less traffic.

…Undercover Police Would Need Another Way to Stay Awake

Again, I don’t want to say cocaine, but…cocaine?

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Thankfully, we live in a world with coffee, and today’s the day to celebrate it. Now please excuse me while I brew a fresh pot. Happy International Coffee Day!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Chocolate

September 11, 2022 /

The World Without Chocolate

Cake. Syrup. Mousse. Cookies. Pudding.

Those desserts (and so many more) would suffer without chocolate. Yes, reader, that’s the bleak scenario we’re examining today. In a world without chocolate…

…Things Would Get Gloomy

That’s the word my wife used to describe this alternate reality, along with a sad sigh. Sorry to bum you out, Sara.

…Several Holidays Would Die

We have numerous choco-based holidays, including Easter, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day. Without the chocolate, what would we be celebrating? Rabbits? Pumpkin mutilation? Love? Come on now.

Of those three holidays, Halloween would have it worst, since the entire conceit of the night is stuffing yourself with chocolate until you puke, all while pretending to be someone else to hide your shame. And without chocolate, Milky Way, Twix, and Snickers are out, leaving whatever’s left in people’s cupboards. Hope you like expired Saltines, kids.

…Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Would Need a New Setting

Maybe not the worst thing, since both versions of this film are super creepy. I’ve never read the book, but knowing Roald Dahl, it’s probably just as disturbing—if not more so.

Also, did you know there’s a prequel movie slated for release next year? It’s an origin story for Willy Wonka, because apparently we needed the Dahl Cinematic Universe.

…Matilda Would Be More Enjoyable

Speaking of movies, Matilda is another DCU film, the one where school faculty forces some kid to eat an entire chocolate cake, solo. For many, this would be a delight. However, this particular cake is made from the “sweat and blood” of the lunch lady.

It’s a grotesque sequence, enough so that it ruined chocolate cake for my sister for at least a few months. Quite the astounding feat considering she requested a seven-layer chocolate cake for her birthday one year (my mom vetoed that idea).

…Peanut Butter Would Lose a Longtime Ally

As they so frequently remind us on Reese’s commercials, chocolate and peanut butter go together like Jagger and Richards (except for the 80s). Peanut butter would still have jelly and fluff, I suppose, but jelly is messy and fluff is objectively gross.

…Vanilla Would Own a De Facto Monopoly Over Soft Serve Ice Cream

As it stands, our standard soft serve options are vanilla and chocolate. Without the latter, we’d have no selection, not even a twist. I’ve never been partial to soft serve chocolate, but even I must admit, this sounds like slim pickings.

…Count Chocula Would Need a Rebrand

To what, Count Vanilla? Vanilla is literally synonymous with boring. We can’t have that.

…The Cookie Monster Would Lose His Favorite Cookie

I recommend the snickerdoodle as a replacement, both for the taste and the name.

…Cookie Crisp Would Cease to Exist

Maybe not a bad thing; it’s the antithesis of nutrition. I don’t understand why the FDA ever approved the stuff. Also, if we’ve learned anything from the last three points, it’s that a world without chocolate would decimate many people’s childhoods.

…No More Chocolataires

Did you know such a thing was a thing? Because I didn’t.

Not to be confused with a chocolatier, chocolataires are parties where every food and beverage served contains some form of chocolate. Apparently, this type of shindig was biggest in the early 1900s. (This is all according to Wikipedia, so if I’m the victim of an elaborate trolling, I apologize.)

Such a party would be tough to hold without chocolate. Truth be told, I’m just trying to imagine the menu with chocolate. Something like this…?

  • Hors d’oeuvres: Cocoa Puffs, fudge Pop Tarts, and random chocolates from a Whitman’s Sampler
  • Drink of the evening: Chocolate milk
  • First course: A traditional Caesar salad doused in Hershey’s syrup in lieu of dressing
  • Second course: A slice of pepperoni pizza (the pepperonis are Reese’s Cups)
  • Third course: A seemingly normal pork roast, only someone injected the meat with searing hot fudge
  • Dessert: Chocolate ice cream topped with chocolate sauce and chocolate sprinkles, packed with chocolate chips and chocolate chunks, all floating on a bed of chocolate mousse, served with Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing” playing in the background
  • Party favor: Lines of cocoa powder that you snort off a golden platter

Hmm. Maybe we’d be better off if these never existed.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

We all need a little chocolate in our lives from time to time, else things would definitely get gloomy. For my wife’s sake, I’m glad it’s still here.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The subject for this article came from a reader named Cherry. Thanks, Cherry! You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

Ready for Misery: A 2022 New York Giants Season Preview

September 6, 2022 /
Giants Season Preview

All-Pro Reels, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Big Blue is back and bluer than ever. Another NFL season is upon us!

Yes, pity me, reader. I’m a New York Giants fan. Just like last year, I’m getting you set with a preview article. Here are all the reasons to be both hopeful and depressed (mostly depressed).

Last Season

…Was a dumpster fire. Whether it was the slew of injuries, the anemic offense, or the infamous back-to-back QB sneaks, nothing went right. The only good thing about the season was its conclusion, along with General Manager David Gettleman’s retirement and the firings of Head Coach Joe Judge and Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett. I don’t enjoy rooting for people to lose their jobs, but in these cases, it felt warranted.

The Offseason

Gettleman, Judge, and Garrett weren’t the only departures. The Giants cleaned house in the front office; by my count, 20 positions were replaced or eliminated. The most notable new arrivals are Head Coach Brian Daboll and General Manager Joe Schoen, both coming from the Buffalo Bills and both doing their respective jobs for the first time.

Of the two, Daboll worries me most. Why? Since Tom Coughlin left in 2016, here are the Giants’ non-interim head coaches:

  • Ben McAdoo (the guy who looked like he was reading from a Denny’s menu)
  • Pat Shurmur (the guy with a lifetime coaching record of 19-26)
  • Joe Judge (the guy Sally Jenkins compared to a clown)

All three served as successful assistant coaches prior to their hirings. All three fizzled after two years in NYC. Seeing a pattern here?

Like his predecessors, Daboll was a hotshot coordinator with little or no previous head coaching experience. Sure, he’s likely better than the others. But after three failed attempts, why do we think the fourth will work? Why didn’t we instead hire a proven, competent NFL coach, like Brian Flores? Because that’s Giants football, baby.

And somehow, this isn’t even the team’s most dubious offseason move. That award goes to a trio of cuts: Veterans James Bradberry, Logan Ryan, and Blake Martinez, all trimmed to clear cap space.

Cap space for what, you ask? The piggy bank, I suppose, since the team’s best acquisitions were Matt Breida, Jon Feliciano, and Tyrod Taylor, all castoffs from the Buffalo Bills (because the Bills are trendy right now).

The Draft

At least this went well. With two picks in the top 10, the Giants selected Oregon defensive end Kayvon Thibodeaux and Alabama offensive tackle Evan Neal. Many analysts considered Thibodeaux the most talented player in the draft, but after launching his own cryptocurrency, NFL GMs questioned his focus, hence his fall to the Giants at pick five.

Umm. Okay? I don’t understand cryptocurrencies, either, but I wouldn’t call them a red flag. Whatever. The Giants got Thibodeaux, so that makes me happy.

Of course, in typical Giants fashion, he got injured in the preseason and will miss several weeks, barring any setbacks. Best invest in KayvonCoin now.

What to Expect This Season

The easy answer is mediocrity. Quarterback Daniel “Dimes” Jones has showed little improvement (if any) during his three years in the NFL. Also, after cutting Bradberry and Ryan and losing safety Jabrill Peppers in free agency, the Giants’ secondary looks about as formidable as a “please slow down” sign written in crayon.

And yet…

There is a case for success. First, they have one of the easiest schedules in football based on projected win totals. Second, their division is one of the worst; Washington spent draft capital to acquire Carson Wentz (rivals Daniel Jones for turnover creativity), Dallas is always overhyped (don’t deny it), and Philly is coached by this guy:

Third, the Giants have a contingency plan at quarterback: Tyrod Taylor. He’s not flashy, but he’s competent. Despite his cool nickname, Danny Dimes has played more like Danny Ha’Penny. I expect Tyrod to arrive around week four or five.

Get Ready for Football

When you’re a Giants fan, pessimism is never a bad look. But with New York’s season kicking off Sunday, September 11, there’s still time to hope. It might be miserable, but hey. At least it’s football.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The World Without Left Handers

August 13, 2022 /

Left Handers Would Without

Today, on this sacred day—this National Left Handers Day—we come together to celebrate everyone who smudges ink when they write.

I’m not entirely altruistic in this endeavor, since I myself am a southpaw. I am, however, what my wife has dubbed a “fake lefty,” since all I do with my left hand is write, eat, and bat.

Nonetheless, whether you’re a pure lefty or a fake, today is your day. To celebrate, let’s remind everyone what they’d be missing without us. In a world without left handers…

…No More Mona Lisa, Vitruvian Man, or Last Supper

All these images were made by the left hand of one Mr. Leonardo da Vinci, whom you may have heard of. I don’t know enough about art to speculate on the butterfly effect, but I do know this: Without da Vinci, there’s no more Da Vinci Code, neither book nor movie. And without them, where else would you see an albino dude flagellating himself?

…The Leftorium Would Close

Even faster than it did on that Simpsons episode.

…No More Social Media

Yes, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is left-handed. As the first social media juggernaut and progenitor of the news feed, he paved the way for every other network we have today. Would the world be better off without YouTubers and TikTok personalities? I’d imagine so.

By extension, the world would also lose the 2012 film The Social Network, which I still have not seen, which seems to anger people whenever they hear it. Why, I bet you’re angry at me right now.

…The New York Yankees Would’ve Won Four World Series in a Row

You might remember the Yankees improbable loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks in the 2001 World Series after winning three straight in the years prior. This defeat was in no small part due to Randy Johnson, a.k.a. the Big Unit (a nickname that sounds vaguely dirty, especially for a guy with the surname “Johnson”). The Big Unit is a lefty, and without him, the Diamondbacks would’ve lost.

Don’t believe me? Well, in that best-of-seven series, guess how many games Johnson won? Three. No wonder he earned series MVP.

…The Term “Southpaw” Would Not Exist

Speaking of baseball, baseball is where we get this delightful term. Though this story is disputed by some, here it is: Baseball fields were designed for batters to face east, thereby avoiding a sun-in-the-eyes situation. On such a field, left-handed pitchers faced west, meaning their pitching arms would point south. Without left handers, you wouldn’t have this fun anecdote to share at your next party.

…The Plot of the Film Yesterday Would Become Reality

Disclaimer: I have never actually seen this movie—but I have seen the trailer. Basically, a guy wakes up to find he’s the only person who remembers the Beatles.

It’s not exactly a world without the Beatles, but in a world without lefties, there would be no Paul McCartney, and without Paul, the Beatles would never have been the Beatles. I mean, “Helter Skelter”? “When I’m Sixty-Four”? “Penny Lane”? “FourFiveSeconds”? These are classics, people.

…Modern Guitar Players Would Stink

Speaking of musicians, if you’ve ever played an electric guitar, you’ve been influenced by Jimi Hendrix—you just don’t know it yet. And Mr. Hendrix was, of course, a lefty. (As the story goes, his first guitar was a right-handed instrument strung upside down.)

How many guitarists did Hendrix inspire? The list is endless, but here are several you’ve probably heard of:

  • John Frusciante of Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Slash of Guns N’ Roses
  • Lenny Kravitz
  • Stevie Ray Vaughan
  • John Mayer

I might’ve once omitted John Mayer from this list because his solo stuff is so annoying, but after seeing him play with Dead & Company, I’ve got to give him props.

…Say Goodbye to Caesar Salads

Yes, Julius Caesar was a lefty. And yes, I realize this is about the least consequential thing the guy was responsible for. But, speaking selfishly, the caesar dressing at my favorite local restaurant is worthy of an emperor. Without it, what am I going to get, vinaigrette? I’d rather be stabbed by senators.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Happy National Left Handers Day out there! Even if you’re a righty, you can join the festivities by doing everything left-handed. What could possibly go wrong?

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

Getting Hyped for Netflix’s “The Sandman”

July 25, 2022 /

Sandman

After decades of development in The Dreaming, Neil Gaiman’s epic masterpiece Sandman finally arrives on screen. I am hyped for this moment, and I hope you are, too. But if not, this article will help. Here’s why you’ll love this show.

It Has An Excellent Cast

Remember Game of Thrones, that show everyone adored until the final season? I know, we don’t talk about Thrones. But if you’ll allow me a moment’s blasphemy, Netflix’s Sandman has not one, but two GoT alums amongst its cast.

The first is Charles Dance, who you’ll remember as the cold and ruthless Tywin Lannister. (If there’s one actor who I’d actually buy skinning a deer, it’s this guy.) In Sandman, Dance plays Roderick Burgess, a magical cult leader with outstanding job titles, including “Daemon King” and “Lord Magus.” Imagine putting that on your LinkedIn profile.

The second Thrones alum is Gwendoline Christie, who you’ll remember as Brienne of Tarth. (You may also remember her turn as the tragically underserved Captain Phasma in the latest Star Wars trilogy.) In The Sandman, Christie plays Lucifer. Yes, that Lucifer. Gaiman’s treatment of the character is one of the best ever, right up there with Milton, Rushdie, and Ferrell. Christie will do a magnificent job.

But enough about GoT people. The rest of the cast looks just as special, especially Boyd Holbrook as The Corinthian and Kirby Howell-Baptiste as Death. Tom Sturridge as the titular Sandman/Morpheus/Dream is giving me Edward Cullen vibes, but I bet he’ll be good, too.

It Will Have A Unique Structure

The comics sure did.

Like most comics, Sandman was released episodically in annual issues. However, due to its mass popularity, the series was subsequently collected into volumes of graphic novels divided by story arc. Ten such volumes compose the main series, along with several other standalones and spinoffs.

Fans will note that characters from the first two volumes have been cast for the first season of the show. This inspires a theory, and my theory is this: The show will run for five seasons, with each season combining two volumes. If that proves popular enough, there’s still additional content left for more.

Not only is this two-volume approach symmetrical, it’s also logistically sound. Though the 10 volumes tell an overarching story, three of the 10 are entirely standalone short stories. Therefore, if the show follows my approach, seasons two, three, and four will all contain both main story and short story episodes. It’s a great way to involve both without losing either.

If you’ve never read Sandman, you might be dubious of random one-off episodes. However, assuming they take this approach, it’s not without precedent. The X-Files, my favorite show of all time, pioneered this structure with their “Mythology” and “Monster of the Week” episodes. The former advanced an overarching tale, while the latter were standalone investigations (which I always preferred to the “Mythology” eps).

The Sandman can do the same. Trust me, you do not want to miss the one about a thousand cats.

I Promise It’s Not a Superhero Story

I know what you’re thinking. A comic book with the -Man suffix? This is just another superhero property, isn’t it?

It’s really not. And I’m not just saying that to get you to watch (though I really want you to). Sandman is honestly difficult to describe; the closest I can get is an epic blend of fantasy, horror, mythology, history, and even a little humor. Dream, a.k.a. Morpheus,  a.k.a. Sandman, is the Lord of Dreams, and therefore the master of stories, aspirations, and idealization. Every moment of Sandman derives from this theme.

Sandman is also a family drama. Dream has six siblings, all of whom bear names that conveniently start with the letter D: Destiny, Death, Destruction, Desire, Despair, and Delirium (formerly Delight). Each sibling has a different relationship with the others, and throughout the series, they often compete and interact in interesting ways. In such an epic tale, one could get swept away by the otherworldliness of it all. However, Morpheus’s family, collectively known as the Endless, help ground the story in relatable humanism.

The Trailer is Sweet

Just watch it!

Ready?

Me too. The Sandman premieres on Netflix on August 5. Schedule your binge watch now.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The World Without Multitasking

July 12, 2022 /

The World Without Multitasking

Why do one task well when you can do several poorly?

That’s the multitasker’s credo. I would know, because I’m a serial multitasker myself. Whether it’s listening to podcasts, exploring Wikipedia, or flipping a pen around in my left hand, I’m always doing other stuff. Perhaps I’m even multitasking right now.

But what would the world look like without this glorious skill? I shudder to contemplate it, but that is why we’re here. So, in a world without multitasking…

…People Might Die of Boredom

Has anyone’s cause of death ever been listed as “boredom”? Not to my knowledge—but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

Imagine, for instance, you find yourself at a local staging of Christopher Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus. This happened to me as a wee lad, and though I’ve since grown to appreciate the play, this particular production was a snooze. Fortunately, I had my trusty Gameboy Advance tucked into my cargo shorts, so I passed the time by leveling-up my Treecko in Pokemon Ruby. Yes, multitasking saved my life.

Picture my mom and sister’s horror if the lights came up at intermission and they’d found me dead of boredom. Now that would’ve been a tragedy.

…This Very Article Wouldn’t Exist

That’s because I’m dictating it on my phone on my way to work. To be clear, it’s hands-free multitasking, which is the best sort, right up there with listening to audiobooks. Told you I’m a serial multitasker.

…Audiobook Sales Would Plummet

Speaking of audiobooks, 93% of people who listen to them are also doing something else.

Did I pull that figure out of my ass? Why yes, I did. But the essence of the argument is true; many readers enjoy audiobooks while driving, cleaning, doing dishes, or some combination of the three. Or, if you’re like me, you listen to A Song of Ice and Fire while playing basketball in your driveway. The Battle of Blackwater Bay is particularly exhilarating, especially when working on one’s jumpshot.

But without multitasking, say goodbye to Audible. Worse yet, imagine how boring household chores would become. I think I’d just pull a Gollum and go live in a cave. (Far less upkeep, not to mention no property taxes.)

…We’d All Be Far More Attentive

I love multitasking, but I’ll admit it can be distracting. Have you ever tried doing the self-checkout at the grocery store while listening to the latest episode of The Bill Simmons Podcast? I have, and let me tell you, it’s a challenge—especially when you order cash back from a machine that doesn’t dispense cash, because you didn’t notice the handwritten sign above the screen, and now the machine has stolen $40 of your hard-earned money, and you ask the attendant what’s going on, only you can’t hear him because you’re still listening to The Bill Simmons Podcast, and Bill is interviewing Jeff Bridges and everybody seems to be having a good time, except for you, by which I mean, me.

My point is, none of this would’ve happened in a world without multitasking. And I’d be $40 richer.

…Phones Would Just Be Phones Again

At the risk of making up another statistic, I’d venture we use modern cell phones more for data than calls. Without multitasking, we might as well revert to the days of rotary dial. I confess I wouldn’t mind that, since turning the wheel looks fun.

…Huh?

Sorry, what did you say? I was checking my email.

…Social Media Wouldn’t Be So Ubiquitous

Some might dispute this claim, but I don’t read my comments, so joke’s on them. Seriously though, social media’s allure lies in slipping updates between moments. Waiting in line? Check Twitter. Enjoying the sunrise? Share it on Instagram. Taking a dump? Call somebody on WhatsApp.

Just kidding, nobody uses WhatsApp (except for Momo). And even if you do, you should probably wait until you’re out of the bathroom before calling anyone. Which reminds me…

…We’d Have Nothing to Do While Pooping

This is the ultimate opportunity for multitasking, and therefore, it’s one of the most devastating losses we’d suffer. Sure, this is usually time spent on the phone, or reading, or, in my case, sifting through Magic cards. Yet still, it’s better than just sitting there staring at the wall while nature runs its course.

Babies have it best, because they can roll, crawl, cry, or giggle, all whilst simultaneously pooping in their diapers. They’re a model of multitasking, and perhaps us adults should take note. Imagine how exponentially productivity would increase if we all wore Huggies.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

I’m glad multitasking exists, especially on the toilet. (Not that I’m writing this part from a toilet—you can’t prove that.) Though it might lead to decreased attention spans, I believe multitasking is a net positive for society. Now please excuse me while I go eat breakfast, edit this article, check my email, and finish packing my bag for work, all at once. Wish me luck!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

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