The world without coffee is, I must say, a horrifying alternate reality. However, here in the World Without series, we don’t avoid difficult topics. We examine them head-on, with courage, humor, and, fortunately, caffeine.
So get ready, people. In a world without coffee…
…We’d Live in The Hunger Games
Coffee contains caffeine, which is the chief reason most folks drink it—unless you’re one of those weirdos who drinks decaf. In such cases, I must assume you also enjoy non-alcoholic beer, sugar-free Coke, and rock songs without guitar solos. Are you all right? I’m asking as a friend.
Sorry, let’s get back on track. According to the National Coffee Association (yes, there is a national association dedicated to coffee), 62% of Americans drink coffee every day. I’d guess a significant portion of them drink the caffeinated sort. Without it, waking up for work would be difficult, if not downright impossible.
What if we extend this logic further? If people can’t wake up for work, they work less. If that happens, the gross domestic product of countries shrivels, trade suffers, and the world descends into chaos. Hence, a Hunger Games scenario. (I fell asleep during the fourth movie, so hopefully it ends well.)
…We’d Have to Resort to Alternate Forms of Caffeine
Tea, for example. Or soda. Or energy drinks. Or cocaine.
Look, I know cocaine is far more stimulating than caffeine. But from my understanding, it’s sort of like caffeine on cocaine—not that I would know from experience (I promise I’ve never done cocaine, Mom). I’m just saying, people would need something to wake them up. Who can say it wouldn’t be the 80s all over again?
…Toilets Would Be Used Less Frequently
Everybody knows that coffee makes you poop. Without your morning joe, you’d be less regular (I know I would). And when you get constipated, you get irritable, so the world would probably be a lot grouchier, too.
…We’d Lose the “Caution: Contents Are Hot” Warning
That’s because it comes from an infamous 1992 case in which Stella Liebeck sued McDonald’s for serving coffee so hot it gave her third-degree burns when spilled. I wonder why we don’t have more of these warnings, such as “Caution: knife is sharp.”
…People’s Breath Would Smell Better
No other beverage makes breath smell worse (unless you’re a fan of onion broth). This has become even more apparent while wearing masks everywhere.
…The Starbucks Empire Would Collapse
And I would play my fiddle while it burned. The downfall of Starbucks would devastate millions of people, but personally, I think it’s vastly overrated. Sure, they have some decent stuff, like that sweet vanilla cold brew thing. But Starbucks reminds me a little of NXIVM, and any chain that substitutes the word “large” for “venti” is clearly full of itself.
Another strike against it: I have a personal vendetta. When I was a young lad, there was a combination KFC/Taco Bell only 15 minutes from my house. When the KFC left, I was hurt. When the Taco Bell left, I was devastated. And you know what replaced them?
A Starbucks. Never forgive, never forget.
…Interns Would Become Obsolete
When I interned in Los Angeles, I’d say a good 68% of my job was hustling down to the Starbucks on Wilshire Blvd (yet another reason I hate the Bucks). Plus, one of my professors once said Los Angeles is built on the backs of interns. So if interns didn’t have coffee runs to make, L.A. would crumble. A definite bummer, but at least there’d be less traffic.
…Undercover Police Would Need Another Way to Stay Awake
Again, I don’t want to say cocaine, but…cocaine?
…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting
Thankfully, we live in a world with coffee, and today’s the day to celebrate it. Now please excuse me while I brew a fresh pot. Happy International Coffee Day!
Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.
You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.
