One-sentence pitch:Â A mostly-legal learning opportunity with a high-stress environment, a relatively low mortality rate, and memories to last a lifetime.
Description: You’ll be helping with various daring and exciting scientific endeavors, which may or may not include raising the dead, creating hybrid species, designing mind-control software, opening portals to other dimensions, and answering phones.
What you’ll be doing: In general, assisting with the above activities. Also cleaning the lab after hours, feeding the specimens, and the occasional Starbucks run.
What you’ll get in return:Â Experience, expertise, unique stories for parties, and the confidence to say, “I survived that.”
Location:Â Undisclosed.
Hours:Â Many.
Perks: Darkness, quiet seclusion, complete access to an authentic Victorian-era mansion, ice cream on Fridays.
Potential Hazards:Â Death, disease, permanent hearing loss, maiming, scarring, blinding, possible loss of limb or limbs, possible loss of mind, demonic possession, hanging by angry mob.
Qualifications that will make you successful: Lack of moral fiber, a propensity for nefariousness, at least a general interest in evildoing. Some experiments may require you to be the so-called “guinea pig,” so complaining is a definite no-no. Experience with the occult preferred. Blind obedience a must.
How to apply:Â Send resumes and cover letters to thescienceofevil@yahoo.com, along with any other pertinent information, including a list of your top five favorite scientists, mad or otherwise, for comparison with my own. Lists including Dr. Emmett Brown, Â Dr. Strangelove, Dr. J, or any similarly silly names will not be considered.
