Over the past 20 years and change, only one sports franchise has won six Super Bowls, deflated somebody’s balls, and drawn the most accurate comparisons to the evil empire from Star Wars. I’m talking about the New England Patriots.
But we’re not here to pat them on the back (their fans do enough of that). Today, we’re here to imagine a world without them. So, in a world without the New England Patriots…
…Tom Brady and Bill Belichick Wouldn’t Exist(?)
I mean, they’d still exist, insofar as they’d live, breath, and, in the case of Tom Brady, mouth-kiss their children. But Brady, Belichick, and Pats owner Robert Kraft are like the Holy Trinity: One great deity housed in three vessels.
Let’s remember, Kraft hired Belichick as head coach (and effective general manager) in 2000. About three months later, Belichick selected Brady with the 199th pick in the draft. Brady became the starter in 2001, and the team we all love to hate was born.
I think that makes Belichick the Father, Brady the Son, and Kraft the Holy Ghost—but that’s a topic for New England sports bloggers.
…Cutoff Sweaters Wouldn’t Be a Thing
Fonzie has his leather jacket, Indiana Jones has his fedora, and Bill Belichick has his sleeveless hoodies. Without him, we also wouldn’t have so many surly postgame press conferences, nor one of my favorite gifs of all time:
…Six Super Bowl Titles Would be Vacated
When my wife and I moved from Colorado back to the East Coast in 2016, we began throwing a yearly Super Bowl party. And for the next three years, we were subjected to the Patriots. Assuming they didn’t exist and therefore won none of their titles, our parties would’ve been far more fun. Plus, these alternate realities would be in play:
- The following quarterbacks would have Super Bowls: Jake Delhomme, Donovan McNabb, Matt Ryan, and Jared Goff.
- Pats fans wouldn’t wear those obnoxious “28-3” t-shirts (that’s the halftime score of the 2017 Super Bowl against the Atlanta Falcons, which the Pats overcame to win).
- We would’ve been spared the atrocious viewing experience that was the 2019 Super Bowl. Reminder: This game featured the fewest points in Super Bowl history, plus the tatted-up shirtless sweaty bod of Adam Levine. I’m not sure which was more obscene.
- At the 2004 Pats/Panthers Super Bowl, the infamous Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake wardrobe malfunction probably still would’ve happened.
…Jameis Winston Might Still be the Quarterback in Tampa Bay
This is the guy most famous for hurling 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions in one season, setting the sort of NFL record nobody wants. He also got Lasik eye surgery the following offseason, which remains funny to this day.
However, Jameis was replaced by Mr. Brady, who led the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to a title the very next year. Sorry, Jameis.
…Mac Jones Might’ve Gone to the Washington Football Team
This is purely speculation on my part, but current Pats QB Mac Jones could’ve fallen four more spots to Washington in last year’s draft. I’m guessing he would’ve played over current starter Taylor Heinicke, which would spare me some embarrassment when I mistakenly call him “Taylor Heineken” (this happens often).
…There Would Be Less Hate for the Typical New England Sports Fan
A little less, anyway.
…We Houldn’t Have Gronk
Rob Gronkowski would probably still be Gronk, even if another team drafted him. Still, next to the Holy Trinity, Gronk was the most important piece of the Patriots 2.0 dynasty (making him an apostle?). And without him, we wouldn’t have Gronk Flakes or the Gronk Spike (a move that literally every other football player does, only Gronk does it Gronkier). Also, we wouldn’t have the nickname “Gronk,” which is just fun to say.
…There Would Be Fewer Football Cheating Scandals
Since the Patriots orchestrated both Spygate and Deflategate, I suspect they somehow had a hand in Watergate, too. However, all these -Gates have given Pats fans a persecution complex, which is mildly annoying coming from a fanbase that basically never lost its division in two decades. Speaking of which…
…The AFC East Would Be Far More Interesting
Since 2001, here are the AFC East division winners not named “New England Patriots”:
- The 2002 New York Jets
- The 2008 Miami Dolphins
- The 2020 Buffalo Bills
- The 2021 Buffalo Bills (as of last night…woo, go Bills!)
And that’s it. These are the results you’d expect when the varsity team crashes the intramural flag football league.
…People in New England Would Root for Some Other Team
I’m talking about states like Rhode Island, Maine, Delaware, and Massachusetts. Based on proximity, maybe they’d opt for the Giants, Jets, or Bills? More likely, they’d say screw it and become Cowboys fans, because that’s America’s bandwagon team.
But hey, there’s only one thing worse than becoming a Cowboys fan, and it’s this: Becoming an Eagles fan. So, in this instance at least, I’m happy the Patriots exist.
…We Wouldn’t Have the Adele Hype Video
In Week 4 of this year’s NFL season, Tom Brady played the Patriots for the first time since leaving and winning a Super Bowl with the Tampa Bay Bucs. NBC made a video featuring “Hello” by Adele, and the result is magnificent.
It’s one of my favorite pieces of sports content because it hits this incredible cross-section of hype, melodrama, and overblown comedy. And I’m not the only one. My wife enjoys this video so much that she regularly shows it to guests when they visit.
…The Giants Would’ve Been Spared Two Years of Joe Judge
Cool name, bad coach.
Joe Judge became the head coach of the Giants after spending seven season with the Pats. His first year was good. His second…not so much.
My fellow Giants fans will remember the 4-13 record, the consecutive QB sneaks on second and nine and third and 11, and the Washington Post hit piece by Sally Jenkins (the Jenkins article was pretty awesome). Another disappointing two-year stint, another coach fired. Let’s hope Brian Daboll does better.
…The Giants Wouldn’t Have Two of the Greatest Super Bowl Victories of All Time
Look, it’s been miserable being a Giants fan ever since we beat the Pats in Super Bowl XLVI. I can and will live in the past, and that means constantly reminding people that a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my team was competent. So there.
…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting
No matter your opinion on the Patriots, you’ve got to admit, they make sports far more entertaining. But as a guy who married into a family of Bills fans, here’s hoping Josh Allen kicks their asses next week.
Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.
Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.
