Tag: ray bradbury

The World Without William Shakespeare

December 2, 2021 / Kyle A. Massa

William Shakespeare looking like a boss at his desk

Lately, I’ve been reading Shakespeare to my daughter. Based on the number of times she farts during said readings, Macbeth is her favorite. (She’s one month old, by the way.)

Anyhoo, all this Shakespeare got me thinking…what would the world look like without him? And I don’t mean the conspiracy theory Shakespeare-didn’t-write-his-own-plays thing. I’m wondering how different our lives might be if the Bard never existed.

So, in a world without William Shakespeare…

…Amanda Bynes, Julia Stiles, Channing Tatum, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Heath Ledger Wouldn’t Be Famous

Follow me closely here. Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum starred in the 2006 romantic comedy She’s the Man, a film which kickstarted both their careers. Likewise, Julia Stiles, Heath Ledger, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt rocketed to stardom thanks to their roles in the 1999 romantic comedy 10 Things I Hate About You.

And what do both these films have in common? They’re modern adaptations of Shakespeare’s plays!

She’s the Man is adapted from Twelfth Night and 10 Things I Hate About You is adapted from The Taming of the Shrew, in case you were curious. So, without the plays, we wouldn’t have the movies. Without the movies, we wouldn’t have the star-making performances. And without the performances, we wouldn’t have the stars. That means no Ledger’s Joker in The Dark Knight, no Stiles’s Nicky Parsons in the Bourne films, and no Tatum’s Magic Mike in Magic Mike.

Well, I suppose we’d get along without that last one. But I know my wife would be disappointed.

…We’d Be More Skeptical of People Getting Married After Barely Knowing Each Other

I mean, I suppose we already are skeptical of that. But nobody would rationalize it by saying, “It’s just like Romeo and Juliet!” This means dating shows like The Bachelor wouldn’t exist, and we’d all be better off.

…There’d Be a Hole in Lesson Plans for English Classes

Speaking of Romeo and Juliet, we spent weeks on that play in high school. We also read Julius Caesar. And once I got to college (shoutout to all the Ithaca Bombers) I took an entire class devoted to Shakespeare. Without him, what would all our English teachers do?

They’d probably teach more Steinbeck, which would be terrible for us all. I’d like to thank Will for sparing me that fate.

**…Ray Bradbury’s 1962 Novel Something Wicked This Way Comes Would Need a New Title**

That’s because Ray borrowed the phrase from Macbeth. It’s a far better title than, say, Evil Carnies Attack!

**…The 2011 Disney Film Gnomeo & Juliet Wouldn’t Exist**

To the disappointment of nobody.

…Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” Would be Short a Second Line

That’s because Robert Plant paraphrased Shakespeare’s line “All that glitters isn’t gold” from The Merchant of Venice. Might I suggest “All those wrinkles mean you’re old” as a replacement?

…We’d Be Without Tons of Other Useful Phrases, Too

No more “it’s all Greek to me,” which comes from Julius Caesar, and which is often employed by non-Magic: The Gathering players when Magic players say stuff like, “Tap out, kill your blocker, swing for lethal.”

No more “wild-goose chase,” which comes from Romeo and Juliet. Tough to invent a substitute for that one, since “Uncontrollable pheasant pursuit” just doesn’t have the same ring.

No more “break the ice,” which comes from The Taming of the Shrew. This absence would leave college orientation leaders and first-time Tinder dates bereft of an important concept.

…English Would Have Far Fewer Words

To demonstrate my penultimate point, here’s a brief story for you:

I was undressing in my bedroom, inwardly questioning whether or not my outfit was fashionable, when I heard something downstairs. It wasn’t inaudible, but it was close; a lonely yelping, just on the edge of hearing.

So of course I hurried downstairs, my heart thumping, and when I turned the corner, I saw something obscene: An alligator eating my breakfast. The damn thing must’ve slipped through the open window!

“Well aren’t you nervy?” I growled.

The alligator only shrugged. “I may be jaded, lonely, and even a little zany. But at least I’m not totally worthless—unlike that outfit you’re wearing. I don’t mean to be a critic, but really, honey. Hey, do you have any skim milk?”

Look, I know alligators can’t shrug or speak, and they might be lactose-intolerant. But that’s not the point of this exercise. Here’s the same story again, minus the words widely credited to Shakespeare:

I was _____ in my _____, inwardly _____ whether or not my outfit was _____, when I heard something _____. It wasn’t _____, but it was close; a _____ _____, just on the edge of hearing.

So of course I _____ _____, my heart thumping, and when I turned the corner, I saw something _____: An _____ eating my breakfast. The damn thing must’ve slipped through the open window!

“Well aren’t you _____?” I growled.

The _____ only shrugged. “I may be _____, _____, and even a little _____. But at least I’m not totally _____—unlike that outfit you’re wearing. I don’t mean to be a _____, but really, honey. Hey, do you have any _____ _____?”

He also invented the word “puking,” which I’m grateful for.

…We’d Be Missing Some Stellar Insults

I’ve never called anyone an “elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog,” but someday I might need to.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Thank you, William Shakespeare, for all the plays, phrases, insults, and more. The world could’ve done without The Bachelor franchise, but to borrow a phrase from you, all’s well that ends well.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Why You Should Be Reading Flash Fiction

September 30, 2019 / Kyle A. Massa

Just like the name implies, flash fiction is short enough to read in an instant. But if you’re not reading it, here’s why you should be.

Opinions vary on what length qualifies as flash fiction. Some markets say 300 words max, some say 500, others say 1,000. Whatever the case may be, flash fiction has to be really short—which is not to say incomplete. Rather, many flash pieces still have the elements of traditional literature (character, plot, conflict, setting), only they’re condensed. Think of them like shorter short stories.

The form has existed for quite a while, though it wasn’t known as “flash fiction” until 1992, when James Thomas, Denise Thomas, and Tom Hazuka published their anthology Flash Fiction: 72 Very Short Stories. Despite the its relative mainstream obscurity, many high-profile authors have written flash fiction, including Kurt Vonnegut, Ray Bradbury, Joyce Carol Oats, Ernest Hemingway, and H.P. Lovecraft.

In many ways, flash fiction bears a strong resemblance to poetry. Some of my favorite flash pieces create a mood or feeling instead of focusing on narrative, just as some poems do. Others feature complete stories with beginnings, middles, and ends. It’s a flexible form, and one I enjoy very much. In fact, I included three flash pieces in my short fiction collection, Monsters at Dusk.

Thanks to the internet, flash fiction’s popularity has only grown. There are numerous online magazines devoted solely to flash fiction, and quite a few popular markets that publish flash from time to time. Just to name a few: Apex Magazine, Beneath Ceaseless Skies, Fantasy & Science Fiction, Flash Fiction Online, and NANO Fiction.

If you’d like to challenge yourself as a writer, flash is a great way to do it. It might sound easy to write 500 words, but when you sit down and think about all the components of a good story, it can be difficult to cram everything in.

Furthermore, with such limited space to work with, your language must be razor sharp. In general, readers are far more forgiving of bland language in long-form narratives. It’s easy to skip a poorly-written section of a novel. But when a piece only lasts about a page or two, that poor writing sticks out like a fly in your drink.

Flash fiction is a unique form which will, in my opinion, only grow in popularity in the future. Word counts are shrinking, attention spans are decreasing, and concision is becoming more and more essential. Try some flash fiction and see if you agree!

Kyle A. Massa is the author of the short fiction collection Monsters at Dusk and the novel Gerald Barkley Rocks. His stories have appeared in numerous online magazines, including Allegory, Chantwood, and Dark Fire Fiction. He lives somewhere in upstate New York with his wife and their two cats.

How the Cosmic Eating Contest Went Awry

May 1, 2017 / Kyle A. Massa

(Disclaimer: the title of this blog post has nothing to do with its content. Rather, it’s meant to get you to read the piece. Apologies to those interested in cosmic eating contests.)

I went to an art show last week with my mom. She entered a painting of my aunt’s cat (it was the best one there, in my opinion). Before the winners were announced, we browsed through the other paintings. Each had a title, and one in particular caught my eye.

Its name was: “Waiting for the Slutty Nun.” I needed to see this piece.

No, I don’t have a thing for slutty nuns. Rather, the title was so outrageous, so striking, that I couldn’t not be interested in the painting. I wasn’t the only one; people chattered about the piece before they’d even seen it.

For me, this experience reinforced the idea that a good title is essential for any piece of art. An accurate label isn’t enough. If we want to get people excited about our work before they even see it, a good title is essential.

For writers, the title of a book or story is often the first point of contact between the reader and the work. If they’ve never heard of you or your writing before, you want to make a good first impression. A great title sparks that initial interest—which is exactly what we’re looking for.

Furthermore, a good title can help our work stand out from others. For instance, let’s say you wrote a truly outstanding crime novel. It’s suspenseful, unpredictable, and exciting. Plus, it’s unlike other crime novels because it takes place on the moon. Clearly, this is a pretty unusual story. Yet if you give it a generic title like “The Murder,” you’re not showing how your piece is different from others.

Lastly, great titles are perfectly paired with their stories. I’m thinking of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. Imagine if that book had a different title, like The Firemen or The Book Burners. Wouldn’t it just not be the same? No other title quite captures the essence of the story so perfectly (451 degrees Fahrenheit is the temperature at which paper ignites, by the way). Plus, that title would never fit quite right on any other novel. Fahrenheit 451 is the perfect name for that book, and only that book.

For us writers and artists in general, I think agonizing over the perfect title is well worth it. Let’s not settle for the generic—let’s be inventive. Evocative. Bold. Or, if you’re a nun, maybe even a little slutty?