Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is the greatest American holiday nobody gets off from work. It’s also the perfect opportunity to make frivolous bets, stuff ourselves with several varieties of chips, and Google what those Roman numerals mean. If you’re wondering what else to expect on Sunday, here are my semi-serious Super Bowl LVI tips. (By the way, I looked it up—LVI means 56.)

The Food

There’s a reason the word “Bowl” appears in the game’s title—it’s a celebration of food as much as football. But speaking of bowls, don’t use any unless they’re paper. My wife and I failed to do so one year, and we were doing dishes until midnight (can you tell I’m still salty about this?).

Another tip: Be wary of carbs—but not from a health standpoint. This is more a strategic consideration. After all, you don’t want to fall asleep and miss Aaron Donald choking somebody or a Budweiser commercial. I’m not sure which would be the greater loss.

If you insist on packing carbs (understandable), at least have some coffee handy so you can stay awake. And if you offer coffee, also offer Tic Tacs, since I doubt dark roast plus Buffalo chicken wing pizza will smell pleasant on anybody’s breath.

Bonus tip: If you have a psychotic English Springer Spaniel named Osi, hide the pizza or else it’ll all be gone by the second quarter. If you couldn’t tell, this was actually a tip from myself to myself. Our dog is terrible around food.

The Halftime Show

This year’s Halftime Show is perhaps the most star-laden affair we’ve ever had, featuring Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, and Kendrick Lamar. Granted, I dislike when each artist plays a minute-and-a-half of their biggest hits, but I’ll go in with an open mind.

I expect to make the following statement at least four times: “Oh, this is a [insert performer’s name] song?” (I do this with most music recorded after 1978.) If you have the same thought, I advise you not to say it aloud, or else you might get mercilessly shushed.

The Commercials

My advice here is to pay close attention to any ads featuring farmers. Why? Because you can learn from my mistake. Let me explain.

During Super Bowl XLVII (that’s 47, according to Google), a farming commercial aired. I recall it being very long and very boring, with black-and-white images of farmers flashing over a voiceover about farmers and farmers farmers farmers. The word “farmers” was repeated so often that I became convinced the ad was promoting an organization called “Farmers of America.”

For years afterward, I made fun of this ad at any opportunity, i.e., “Remember that Farmers of America Super Bowl ad? What the hell was that?” However, while researching this article, I discovered I was mistaken. The ad I’m describing was actually promoting Ram Trucks, of all things. Also, there is no such organization as Farmers of America. There are Future Farmers of America, Dairy Farmers of America, and the National Farmers Union, but no Farmers of America.

So I reiterate: If you want to avoid looking like a fool like me, pay close attention whenever a farmer appears in a Super Bowl ad.

Bonus tip: Tax season is coming up, so don’t accidentally file your taxes as a farmer. My wife did this once (long story), and it led to much confusion.

The Game Itself

Be prepared for at least three questionable calls. After all, the sun rises in the east, water flows downhill, and NFL referees botch important decisions. I can see it now…

Fourth quarter, close score, clock ticking. Matt Stafford zips a pass to Odell Beckham Jr. along the sideline. It’s ruled a catch and a first down. The Rams hurry the next snap, but the Bengals challenge.

Cue several slow-mo videos from numerous angles. Zoom on Odell’s pinky toe, which might graze the line.

Chris Collinsworth: Oh ho ho ho ho, I dunno, Al. I think I spot a molecule on that line.

Al Michaels: Let’s go to Gene Steratore in New York. Gene?

Gene Steratore: Well guys, my question is, did he make a “football move” before going out of bounds?

Gene spends the next 10 minutes discussing but never defining exactly what a “football move” is, by which time the refs are still reviewing the film.

Michaels: And now a word from Farmers of America. Whoops, sorry, I mean Ram Trucks.

Cut to the ad.

Michaels: And now we’re back with the call.

Head Referee Ronald Torbert: After further review and a phone call from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in which he insulted my manhood and threatened to put me in a headlock if the Rams don’t win this game, the ruling on the field stands.

Collinsworth: Well I just think that’s a great call, Al. Now can I talk about Patrick Mahomes for a minute?

Assuming such a scenario unfolds, my advice is to act just as aggrieved as your fellow viewers. Because no matter who you root for, you can always root against the referees.

My final tip: Have a child. I don’t mean during the game—that would be awfully loud, not to mention messy. But if you already have a kid like me, then you might get the day off after all. That’s because I’ve got parental leave the Monday following the game. Thanks, Sasha!

Enjoy the Super Bowl

I know I will, and I know you will, too—unless you eat too many carbs. In which case, you were warned.


Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.