Tired of the cold, salt, and snow? This article may be for you.
Full transparency: I live in New York, USA (the state, not the city). Winter here lasts from roughly November through March, so I’ll apologize for the regionalist mindset upfront. And yes, I know winter is basically absent from Florida, Mali, Tatooine, and many other places. However, for the next few minutes, we’re going to imagine it never existed anywhere.
So, in a world without winter…
…Dogs Would Be Disappointed
That’s because winter brings snow, and dogs love snow. Speaking for my dog Osi, there’s nothing better than shoving your snout beneath a drift, snuffling once or twice, then springing upward into the air as high as you can, casting down a shower of snow upon your owners, who are just trying to walk you. I assure you, all dogs would be devastated to lose moments like this.
…Christmas Would Be Far Different
Everybody digs a white Christmas, though that wouldn’t exist without winter’s snow. Neither would the Bing Crosby song, which wouldn’t be a monumental loss, because there’s such a surplus of Christmas songs as it is. However, it would’ve opened the door for some other song to win the Academy Award for Best Original Song at the 1942 Oscars. Nominees included “I’ve Got a Gal in Kalamazoo,” “Pennies for Peppino,” and “Pig Foot Pete.” I swear I’m not making these up.
Anyhoo, we’re getting off topic. Without winter, would Christmas even exist? I’m told it’s the birthday of some guy named Jesus, though it feels more like Santa’s birthday. So without winter, would we reschedule Christmas or just skip it? Have I lost credibility with you yet? Never mind, don’t answer that. Moving right along.
…Snow Plow Drivers Would Need New Jobs
I mean, I’m pretty sure you can’t do this job full-time anyway, unless you live in a place where it snows year-round (The North Pole, perhaps). But without snow plow drivers, we wouldn’t have the Mr. Plow episode of the Simpsons, and we’d all be a little sadder.
…Many Products Would Become Obsolete
A short list: Snow tires, snowshoes, snow globes, and really anything with the word “snow” in it, because without winter, there’s probably not much snow. I’m no economist, so I can’t say if the absence of these products would shift the market. However, I can say this: There would be a lot more space in my garage.
…Skiing Wouldn’t Exist
A brief aside: My dad has an alter ego. He calls himself Cliff Steep. I guarantee you’ll never guess why.
All right, I’ll tell you. In the early days of Facebook, my dad would complain about pictures of his coworkers’ dinners overrunning his newsfeed. Perhaps in retaliation, he began posting stats about his ski outings. You know, calories burned, elevation gain, stuff like that. After a few months of this, my stepmom made fun of him enough that he devised a new plan. He created a Facebook profile entirely devoted to his skiing content.
However, since Facebook is annoying and mandates a name, my dad had to devise an alter ego. Hence, Cliff Steep was born.
Fast forward to my sophomore year at Ithaca College (shoutout to the Bombers out there). I was procrastinating, as one does, when I noticed a familiar face in the “People You May Know” section. One Mr. Cliff Steep appeared, with a selfie of my dad in front of a ski lift. I clicked Cliff’s profile to inspect. He had exactly one friend: my dad.
I urged my friends to friend Cliff, but that’s not the point. The point is, there wouldn’t be skiing without winter, and there wouldn’t be Cliff Steep without skiing, and without Cliff Steep, you’d have back the 90 seconds you spent reading this not-so-brief aside.
…There Would Be Far Fewer Olympic Sports
Ice skating, alpine skiing, bobsledding, all gone. However, we all know what the greatest loss to the world would be: curling.
…Forget About Ragnarok
For those who never read Neil Gaiman’s Norse Mythology or watched the 2017 masterpiece Thor: Ragnarok, Ragnarok is the doomsday prophesied by the Norse myths. Basically, it snows nonstop and until everyone dies, sort of like a permanent snow day.
I mean, this is unlikely to happen even when winter exists. But still, it can’t be ruled out.
…George R.R. Martin’s The Winds of Winter Would Need a New Title
Or maybe not, because most fans believe it will never see print. In fact, if you Google this book, the top results are…
- “Is The Winds of Winter ever coming out?”
- “Does anyone still care about The Winds of Winter?”
- “Will Winds of Winter release by 2022?”
My answers to these questions:
- Hope so.
- I do!
- Eh, probably not.
…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting
Winter is still with us—at least for a few more months. Until spring comes, I suppose we can dream, eh?
Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.
Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.
