The World Without Left Handers

Today, on this sacred day—this National Left Handers Day—we come together to celebrate everyone who smudges ink when they write.

I’m not entirely altruistic in this endeavor, since I myself am a southpaw. I am, however, what my wife has dubbed a “fake lefty,” since all I do with my left hand is write, eat, and bat.

Nonetheless, whether you’re a pure lefty or a fake, today is your day. To celebrate, let’s remind everyone what they’d be missing without us. In a world without left handers…

…No More Mona Lisa, Vitruvian Man, or Last Supper

All these images were made by the left hand of one Mr. Leonardo da Vinci, whom you may have heard of. I don’t know enough about art to speculate on the butterfly effect, but I do know this: Without da Vinci, there’s no more Da Vinci Code, neither book nor movie. And without them, where else would you see an albino dude flagellating himself?

…The Leftorium Would Close

Even faster than it did on that Simpsons episode.

…No More Social Media

Yes, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is left-handed. As the first social media juggernaut and progenitor of the news feed, he paved the way for every other network we have today. Would the world be better off without YouTubers and TikTok personalities? I’d imagine so.

By extension, the world would also lose the 2012 film The Social Network, which I still have not seen, which seems to anger people whenever they hear it. Why, I bet you’re angry at me right now.

…The New York Yankees Would’ve Won Four World Series in a Row

You might remember the Yankees improbable loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks in the 2001 World Series after winning three straight in the years prior. This defeat was in no small part due to Randy Johnson, a.k.a. the Big Unit (a nickname that sounds vaguely dirty, especially for a guy with the surname “Johnson”). The Big Unit is a lefty, and without him, the Diamondbacks would’ve lost.

Don’t believe me? Well, in that best-of-seven series, guess how many games Johnson won? Three. No wonder he earned series MVP.

…The Term “Southpaw” Would Not Exist

Speaking of baseball, baseball is where we get this delightful term. Though this story is disputed by some, here it is: Baseball fields were designed for batters to face east, thereby avoiding a sun-in-the-eyes situation. On such a field, left-handed pitchers faced west, meaning their pitching arms would point south. Without left handers, you wouldn’t have this fun anecdote to share at your next party.

…The Plot of the Film Yesterday Would Become Reality

Disclaimer: I have never actually seen this movie—but I have seen the trailer. Basically, a guy wakes up to find he’s the only person who remembers the Beatles.

It’s not exactly a world without the Beatles, but in a world without lefties, there would be no Paul McCartney, and without Paul, the Beatles would never have been the Beatles. I mean, “Helter Skelter”? “When I’m Sixty-Four”? “Penny Lane”? “FourFiveSeconds”? These are classics, people.

…Modern Guitar Players Would Stink

Speaking of musicians, if you’ve ever played an electric guitar, you’ve been influenced by Jimi Hendrix—you just don’t know it yet. And Mr. Hendrix was, of course, a lefty. (As the story goes, his first guitar was a right-handed instrument strung upside down.)

How many guitarists did Hendrix inspire? The list is endless, but here are several you’ve probably heard of:

• John Frusciante of Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Slash of Guns N’ Roses
• Lenny Kravitz
• Stevie Ray Vaughan
• John Mayer

I might’ve once omitted John Mayer from this list because his solo stuff is so annoying, but after seeing him play with Dead & Company, I’ve got to give him props.

…Say Goodbye to Caesar Salads

Yes, Julius Caesar was a lefty. And yes, I realize this is about the least consequential thing the guy was responsible for. But, speaking selfishly, the caesar dressing at my favorite local restaurant is worthy of an emperor. Without it, what am I going to get, vinaigrette? I’d rather be stabbed by senators.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Happy National Left Handers Day out there! Even if you’re a righty, you can join the festivities by doing everything left-handed. What could possibly go wrong?

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.