This article might be controversial. After all, Halloween is a beloved holiday. In fact, in terms of belovedness, it’s right up there with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and International Juggling Day. Maybe not that last one.
But hey, this series is often about appreciating subjects through their hypothetical absence. So let’s start appreciating. In a world without Halloween…
…Michael Myers Would Actually, Really, Seriously Be Dead
Because he’d never exist. Get it?
For the record, I wouldn’t mourn. Though most regard John Carpenter’s 1978 slasher film Halloween as an all-time classic, I think it’s overrated. I recognize everything it did for the genre, but I find it tiresome when Mikey survives for, like, the 13th time.
Speaking of 13, that’s how many Halloween films exist. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve only seen the original, so I can’t vouch for the rest, yet something tells me Rob Zombie shouldn’t be making movies. That said, his and all the Halloween movies are undeniably lucrative; they’ve grossed a collective $885,966,037 worldwide, according to Wikipedia.
Imagine what filmgoers might’ve spent all that money on instead. Probably a different holiday-themed horror franchise, like an ornery cyclist who runs people off the road to their dooms on National Bicycle Day (Google assures me this is an actual day). I’d call it Cycle of Violence. Hey, did I just become a multi-million dollar movie executive?
…Trick-or-Treating Wouldn’t Be a Thing
This would be a massive blow to the Candy Industrial Complex, which invented Halloween just to clear their back stock of Baby Ruths. But won’t someone please think of the children? They are the ones who would suffer most. For kids, Halloween ranks higher on the grand fun meter than Paw Patrol, bounce houses, and TikTok.
…Well, maybe not TikTok. But if it does, that’s really saying something.
…No More Costumes, Either
Everybody loves dressing up for Halloween. Except me.
One year, for example, my mom spent hours doing my Count Dracula makeup. She’s a painter, by the way, so it was excellent. However, I took one look at myself in the mirror and became terrified of my reflection (ironic, considering I was a vampire). My poor mom watched as all her hard work went down the drain—literally. Ever since, I’ve been a curmudgeon with costumes. Sorry, Mom.
However, I believe I’m in the minority on that. Many people enjoy donning their Halloween costumes, including NFL fans attending games on or near our titular holiday. I once spotted a man in the stands wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey overtop a Minion costume jeering at Kirk Cousins while drinking a Pabst. It was quite the sight.
…There Would Be No Controversies Over Halloween Candy
Might not be a bad thing, considering these are some of our dumbest controversies. Every year, people earnestly argue that candy corn is a quality candy, or isn’t, then get outraged by the response. This is about as productive as pounding one’s head against a door—and likely has a similar effect on the brain. That said, I just poked fun at Baby Ruths a few paragraphs back, so I’m part of the problem.
…Horror Movies Would Diminish in Popularity (Slightly)
We all know half the fun of Halloween is watching scary movies with loved ones (or, if you happen to be crowded into a theater with noisy strangers, hated ones).
To be clear, horror movies are eternal, and I would never suggest that killing Halloween would kill their popularity. But there’s no doubt this would reduce it, at least a little. After all, what other time of year would horror movie viewership peak? Spring? Too hopeful. Winter? Too Christmas-y. Summer? Too packed with Marvel movies. Halloween, and fall in general, is just right.
…The Dark Knight Wouldn’t Exist
At least not in its current form. That’s because the film’s plot was inspired by Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeph Loeb & Tim Sale, a graphic novel that features a killer who murders on holidays, starting with—you guessed it—Halloween.
Without Halloween there’s no comic, and without the comic there’s no inspiration, meaning Christopher Nolan and co. would have to look elsewhere for ideas, perhaps returning to the campiness of the Adam West Batman. Somehow, I don’t think Shark Repellent Bat Spray jives with, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.”
Furthermore, speaking from personal experience, losing this film would be a tremendous blow, not least of all because I saw it four times in theaters. Being a high school sophomore at the time, I was convinced it was the greatest movie ever made by anyone, ever. I’ve since decided that distinction belongs to Troll 2, but Dark Knight is still in my top 10.
…Your Neighbors Would Have More Lawn Space
This one is self-explanatory.
…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting
Happy Halloween! Hope you enjoy all that candy corn.
Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.
You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.
