Category: The World Without… (Page 1 of 2)

The World Without Vampires

August 16, 2024 / Kyle A. Massa

You may love them, you may hate them, but either way, I’m sure you know all about vampires. In today’s edition of “The World Without,” we’ll examine life in their absence. So, in a world without vampires…

…There Would Be Fewer Great Basketball Players

But why is that, Kyle? you must be wondering. What do basketball players and vampires have in common?

Don’t ask me. Ask my mom and sister.

When I was in high school, Mom and Emily watched a series called Moonlight. The premise: A vampire with the unlikely name of Mick St. John works as a private investigator somewhere. (Chicago, maybe? It definitely wasn’t Transylvania.) They didn’t actually like the show—they just thought it was hilariously bad. I agreed.

In one episode, Mick St. John finds himself in a college gymnasium, where he splashes several no-look half-court shots, which he can do because he’s a vampire, I guess.

So. If we’re to believe the vampire mythology of Moonlight, does that mean all our greatest basketball players are, in fact, vampires? It would explain LeBron’s agelessness…

…Transylvania Would Lose A Cultural Calling Card

I wish I could say Transylvania is a land of champion pole vaulters. Maybe it is. However, many people know it best as vampire HQ, thanks to Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I suppose there are worse things your region could be known for, i.e. Sokovia, which is best known for getting wrecked by Ultron.

…Kids Would Be Lousy at Counting

Without vampires, there’s no Count from Sesame Street, and without the Count, kids would count worse than King Arthur in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Yes, there are endless books on that subject, and true, countless other cartoon characters perform the same function. Yet did their laughs inspire the laugh of Jared Leto’s Joker? I think not.

…We’d Lose One of the Greatest Films of All Time

I don’t mean Murnau’s Nosferatu. I don’t mean Universal’s Dracula. I certainly don’t mean Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I’m talking about Stephen Sommers’s 2004 masterpiece, Van Helsing.

Seriously, I ride for this movie. I’ve already written about it before. Though it was a financial success, Van Helsing was critically panned, and I’ve never understood why. Sure, the accents are bad, the story is implausible, and it pretty much only appeals to 12-year-old boys. Yet if you were 12 when the film premiered (i.e. me), you’d understand.

Dracula serves as the film’s antagonist, and Australian actor Richard Roxburgh plays him with such gleeful camp that the whole movie would collapse without him. I mean, he pronounces the word “laboratory” with all five syllables. The Count would approve!

…Banana Boat Would Sink

Let’s assume, for a moment, that vampires exist. They’re often portrayed as sexy, pale, and allergic to sunlight. If they ever want to walk their dogs, they must venture outside during the day. To do so, they must apply sunscreen, and lots of it.

That’s where Banana Boat comes in. If vampires exist, I bet they’re keeping that Boat afloat, along with numerous other sunscreen brands. They can skip Coppertone, though—that logo is creepy.

…The Nicolas Cage Filmography Would Be Shortened By Two

Which might not matter in the grand scheme of things, since Nic is so prolific (and virtuosic, I might add). Still, you can’t make a vampire movie without vampires, so 1989’s Vampire’s Kiss and 2023’s Renfield would vanish.

I skipped the latter because I heard it was bad, but I watched the former, ironically, for the same reason. Vampire’s Kiss is a bizarre film in which Nic has a one-night stand with a woman he comes to believe is a vampire, giving him vampiric tendencies himself.

It’s one of Cage’s most unhinged performances. In one scene, he sprints down a street, arms rigid at his sides, shouting, “I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire!” In another, he bellows the entire alphabet, getting a little more manic with each letter.

Would I recommend this film? No. Am I glad it exists? In the words of Nicolas Cage, “Yeeeeeah!” (I’m sure he said that in one of his movies.)

…Parents Would Be Less Concerned

Because of Twilight. Are you surprised it took me this long to get to it?

Not to be confused with Moonlight, Twilight launched a new wave of vampire obsession. It also turned them into sparkling child predators, but we won’t dwell on that.

I was a teenager at the height of this craze, so I still remember seeing my peers—yes, usually girls—hunched over those bleak black covers. I even watched the movies with some of them, though I always left the theater baffled. If you were immortal, why would you choose to attend high school forever? Why is Edward so controlling and creepy? Why do all the werewolves wear matching jorts?

Alas, I never got answers to these questions. Neither did anyone’s parents, even if they were brave enough to ask. Fortunately, this series seems to have less staying power than say, Harry Potter, so maybe we’ll never need to relive this craze. Though I’m sure they’re due for a reboot…

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Thanks, vampires. You’ve given me something to write about.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

The World Without Kyles

May 20, 2024 / Kyle A. Massa

Kyle. It’s a name you might’ve heard before. It also happens to be my name. My parents gave it to me, as it were, and there are many more of us out there. Today, we’re going to celebrate ourselves.

How? By imagining the sad, bleak state of affairs without us. And so, in a world without Kyles…

…There Would Be No Modern Film Adaption of Dune

I’m about to do some hypothetical gymnastics, so watch closely. In 2021, director Denis Villeneuve adapted the classic science-fiction epic Dune into a smash hit. However, it was also adapted less successfully in 1984 by notorious weirdo David Lynch. In that version, guess who played the protagonist? Kyle MacLachlan. That’s right—even in futuristic sci-fi worlds, we need Kyles.

However, without MacLachlan and his largely panned adaptation, which Roger Ebert described as “a real mess,” would a fresh Dune adaptation feel so necessary? I think not.

So thanks, Kyle MacLachlan, for helping to make a crappy movie.

…Batman Would Be Even More Emo Than Usual

It’s hard to say which of the following billionaires is kookier: Bruce Wayne or Elon Musk. Yet only one dresses up like a bat and beats up criminals at night. You guessed right. It’s Elon.

Yes, Batman has issues. And I suspect he’d have even more without his girlfriend.

Who is Batman‘s girlfriend, you ask? Well, following the chronology of the Christopher Nolan films, Batman gets together with Catwoman. I can’t imagine your average cat showing sexual interest in a bat, but that’s not the point. The point is, Catwoman’s real name is Selena Kyle.

Therefore, in a world without Kyles, there would be no Selena, and without Selena, Batman would be even more of a grump.

…I Would Lose a Treasured Friend

Procrastination leads to some of my strangest ideas, so one day while procrastinating at college, I searched Facebook for other people with my name. I friended the first result. His profile picture was himself wearing Joker makeup, which helped.

The other Kyle Massa readily accepted my request, and we’ve had a superficial cyber kinship ever since. It appears he was recently married (to a Kylie, I presume). Congratulations, my fellow Kyle!

…We’d Never Have Race Car Drivers Kyle Bush and Kyle Petty

And I couldn’t care less.

…I Might’ve Achieved More

I’ve been addicted to a great many video games in my life, one of them being Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones for Gameboy Advance. Think of it like chess, except all your pieces are anime characters with unlikely hair colors.

The game features numerous warriors, one of whom being a cavalier named Kyle. I can’t recall any characteristics of Kyle, other than him being named Kyle and having green hair (see my earlier comment). However, since we shared a name, I spent all my time training Kyle to become the greatest knight in the realm.

Without Kyle, I might’ve enjoyed this game less, thereby doing more homework and getting better grades. So thanks a lot, Kyle. You kept me out of Cornell.

…Something Would Happen With South Park, I Suppose

I’m aware there’s a Kyle on South Park. However, I’ve only seen two episodes of this show, so I feel unqualified to comment further. I’ll say this: South Park fans sometimes greet me by exclaiming my name in the Cartman voice. In a world without Kyles, this would never happen.

…We’d Be Down an Important Musician

When researching this article, I came across one Kyle Bruckmann, a San Franciscan oboist. I’ve never heard him play or know anything about him beyond this fact, but the world has few enough oboists as it is.

…Godzilla vs. Kong Would Be Completely Unchanged

Kyle Chandler is an actor, and one of the stars of this film. Allegedly.

See, normally when you pull a lead actor from a movie, it altars the finished product. Try to imagine Star Wars without Harrison Ford. Not so much with Godzilla vs. Kong, a movie so primitively appealing that you could remove Mr. Chandler—along with all the other humans in the cast—and still have a great movie.

I would know. I watched it on a plane, and though I could only hear roughly 67% of the dialogue, I greatly enjoyed the monkey and the lizard walloping each other with skyscrapers. I’ll have to see the sequel.

…Kyle XY Would Never Have Gotten the Green Light

I must be a bad Kyle, because this is another Kyle IP I know nothing about. I just remember seeing ads for it when I was a kid and thinking, Wow. That looks crappy.

Turns out it must’ve been, because it only lasted three seasons. I mean, here’s the Wikipedia description: “Kyle XY is an American science fiction television series…[about] a teenage boy who awakens naked in a forest outside Seattle, Washington, with amnesia and no belly button.” I’ve been to Seattle twice, and neither time did I wake up naked in the woods or misplace my belly button.

Anyhoo, this show never would’ve aired under any other name. Phil XY? Burt XY? Francois XY? They just don’t have the same ring.

…The World Would Lose a Jeopardy! Question

Me: I’ll take “Dual Threats” for two-hundred, Aaron.

Aaron Rodgers: This Canadian was the first person to play both baseball and ice hockey professionally. Kyle?

Me: Who is Andy Kyle?

Aaron Rodgers: Nicely done. I can see you know your Kyles.

Why is Aaron Rodgers still hosting Jeopardy! in my hypothetical? Because he blew out the other achilles.

At any rate, I stumbled across this factoid in my research, and I suspect the only place it would appear is everyone’s favorite gameshow. Somehow, I don’t think it would work for The Masked Singer.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Treasure all the Kyles in your life. You could’ve lived in a world without them, a world like I just described, and that would’ve been a tragedy.

The World Without Teeth

January 29, 2024 / Kyle A. Massa

Smile!

Or don’t. Because in this hypothetical alternate universe, nobody has teeth. That’s the nightmarish scenario we are examining today in our ongoing “World Without” series.

But fear not, dear reader. I think there would be upsides to this world, too. So, without further ado, let’s get into it. In a world without teeth…

…Vampires Would Have It Worst

Humans need teeth to chew, but there’s still lots of food we can eat without them (I’ll be addressing this topic shortly). But think of the poor vampires.

Without teeth, how would they extract blood? A needle, I’m guessing, though I’m pretty sure you need a medical license for that. Maybe they’d just use a knife or a letter opener, but those feel too inelegant—not to mention messy—for any self-respecting vampire.

Now I suppose we could compare who has it worse: Dracula or Edward Cullen. But I’d rather not. Suffice it to say that all the vampires out there would be bummed.

…A Lot of Songs Wouldn’t Exist

In no particular order:

“Teeth” by Lady Gaga
“Brush Your Teeth” by Raffi
“Smile” by Wolf Alice
“Smile” by Avril Lavigne
“Smile” by Katy Perry

The Wolf Alice song is my favorite in the above list, though the Raffi tune comes in a close second, because it makes brushing my daughter’s teeth a little easier.

…Pictures Would Be a Lot More Awkward

Unless you’re a Civil War general circa 1863, your first instinct in a picture is probably smiling. But in a world without teeth, smiling becomes a lot less attractive.

Perhaps we’d go back to the 1800s approach, which means glaring sternly into the lens. Not exactly profile pic material, but necessary, considering the circumstances.

…The Tooth Fairy Would Go Out of Business

Because if she’s not collecting teeth in exchange for money, what other jettisoned scrap of the human body is she collecting? Hair? Toenails? Probably best not to speculate.

…The Gruel Market Would Explode

And I don’t mean literally (unless there’s a gruel-based chemical reaction I’m not aware of). Rather, in a world where you can’t chew, I believe gruel would be the food of choice.

What is gruel, exactly? I’m unsure. I think it’s the stuff they feed to prisoners in the Gulag. Whatever it is, it sounds funny, and I suspect it tastes something like grits, only better.

Of course, other foods would still be viable. Soups, smoothies, and the like would work. Also, baby food, some of which is surprisingly tasty. Just ask my wife, Sara, who enjoys our daughter’s puréed pears.

In fact, now that I think about it, babies are the prime example of a toothless world. Fortunately, most of them seem pretty happy—though maybe that’s because they can poop their pants whenever they want and someone else will deal with the mess.

Also, babies’ lack of teeth adds to their cuteness. Even when they do their gum-smiles, it’s adorable. I imagine it would be less adorable if someone like me, for example, a 31-year-old man with mushroom-shaped hair, were to do it.

I mean, if I smiled at you with no teeth, I doubt you’d be thinking, Aww, how cute! Instead, you’d probably be wondering, How much crack has that man smoked?

…Or Maybe the Denture Market Would Explode, Instead? Maybe?

Dentures are the standard substitute for teeth, yet in a world without teeth, would we have any concept of dentures? Maybe we’d all just slurp our gruel in ignorance of what could’ve been.

…Halloween Would End. (And I Don’t Mean Like That Movie, “Halloween Ends”—I Mean Literally.)

That’s because most Halloween candy requires teeth to consume. Snickers bars? Yes. Candy corn? Definitely. Taffy? You bet your ass.

I suppose you could continue the tradition of dressing up and visiting other people’s houses. But without the promise of candy, what exactly are you demanding from the people you visit? More gruel?

…Dentistry Wouldn’t Exist

Depending on your dentist, this might not be a bad thing. I don’t mean to be critical, but some dentists can be hyper critical.

“Your teeth are two different colors.” “You’re not flossing enough.” “You appear to have an alien tracking device lodged inside your molar.” These are all statements I’ve heard dentists say to myself or people I know. Except that last one—I got that from The X-Files.

…Cats Would Be Cool With It

Because many cats, including my parents-in-laws’ cat, Spice, have diseased teeth pulled later in life. When Sara and I heard this happened to Spice, we were aghast.

“Oh no,” we said. “Is she alright?”

Sara’s mom, Karen, only shrugged and said, “She still eats the same food. It’s not all that different.”

So there you have it. Without teeth, cats would be just as unimpressed as usual.

…I Would’ve Been a Less Dangerous Child

Yes, I was a biter, and I didn’t even have rabies. I don’t know why—I just enjoyed biting people. My mom tells me she got regular reports of me biting other children at school, which must’ve been alarming, to say the least. What’s more, I have a vague memory of biting my sister when she beat me at a friendly game of Horse. Sorry, Emily.

Problem is, bites can hurt just as much without teeth, as I experienced with my daughter, Sasha, when she was an infant. One time she tried eating a scrap of construction paper, and when I reached in there to fish it out, it felt like a garage door slamming on my finger.

Sashie isn’t an aggressive biter, but she does bite. Like, sometimes we’ll be hugging each other, and she’ll rest her chin on my shoulder, and it’ll seem like a sweet father-daughter moment until I feel a pinch and realize she’s gnawing on my collarbone. I suspect she’ll draw blood soon, and I’ll have no one to blame but myself. That’s how karma works.

Anyhoo, in a world without teeth, I would’ve been a little safer. But now that Sasha’s teeth have grown in, I’m in serious danger.

…The World Would Be Far Different

So I guess we can smile, because teeth still exist. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat something crunchy. I’ve made myself very hungry…

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Albany, NY

November 29, 2023 / Kyle A. Massa

Albany marked on a map of New York State.

Or as we call it around here, Smallbany.

Yes, I reside in our titular city. I have most of my life. We don’t have the glamor of Los Angeles, the thrill of New Orleans, or the sleaze of Philadelphia, but we’ve got…umm, other stuff. In this article, we’ll explore this great city’s hypothetical absence further.

So, without further ado, in a world without Albany…

…America Wouldn’t Exist

Before you scoff, just remember that one of the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence was a cat named Philip Livingston, who happened to be an Albany native. Without him, were those other 55 white guys really going to sign the paper? My imagination says no…

Independence Hall in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The Founding Fathers sit around debating stuff.

Samuel Adams: Pass me another Cold Snap.

Benjamin Franklin: Somebody cut that guy off. And where the hell is Livingston?

Thomas Jefferson: Late. He’s coming from Albany. 87 is brutal this time of day.

Benjamin Franklin: That’s the city with the Empire State Plaza buildings that look like a bunch of radiators, right?

Benjamin Rush: Those don’t exist yet. And neither does I-87. Now are we gonna sign this thing or what? I gotta rush home.

John Hancock: I’m down. I’ve been practicing my signature.

Benjamin Franklin: Yeah, we know, Hancock. But we’ve got to wait. We can’t sign anything without Livingston.

Benjamin Rush: Why not?

John Adams: Because then we’d only have 55 signers.

Benjamin Rush: So?

Thomas Jefferson: Because we already commissioned the monument, and I’m not paying for touch-ups, okay? Let’s just wait for Livingston.

Josiah Bartlett: Hear, hear.

Benjamin Franklin: Who are you again?

You get the idea. Without Albany there’s no Philip Livingston, and without Philip Livingston, there’s no Declaration of Independence. You’re welcome, America.

…High School English Students Would Be More Cheerful

And I don’t just mean those from Albany. You see, in many American high school English classes, students are forced to read Moby-Dick by Herman Melville. I’ve only met a single person in my life who enjoyed that book: My dad. (Shoutout to my dad.) For everyone else, the 50-page descriptions of whale blubber aren’t exactly thrilling.

What does all this boredom have to do with Albany? Well, Mr. Melville earned his adolescent education at Albany Academy (where I also worked as a camp counselor for, like, seven summers, NBD). Without Albany there’d be no education, and without the education there’d be no book, and without the book there’d be less drudgery for subsequent high school students. And if they could destroy Albany just to spare themselves from Moby-Dick, I think some would.

…New York City Would Be the State’s Capital

Non-New Yorkers might be surprised to recall this, but no, the Big Apple is not the state’s capital. It’s Albany. Yet without the latter, the capital wouldn’t be Buffalo or Rochester or Syracuse. Saratoga, maybe. But in all likelihood, it would be NYC.

I love the City, but it already has enough going for it, such as the New York Stock Exchange, the Statue of Liberty, New Year’s Eve celebrations, Madison Square Garden, and the New York Yankees.

By comparison, what does Albany have aside from being the capital? We have Nipper, a 28-foot tall replica terrier that sits atop a building downtown. And that’s about it, as evidenced by my next point.

…My Wife Would Have More To Do

When Sara and I considered moving back to Albany in 2016, she asked me to describe the city. Here’s my comprehensive list of amenities:

“Well, there’s the Egg, the mastodon museum, and the Magic store.”

The Egg is a performing arts center downtown that resembles an egg yolk, hence the name. The mastodon museum is my shorthand for The New York State Museum, which boasts the skeleton of a mastodon. And the Magic store is Flipside Gaming, a local hobby shop I patronize every few months so I can lose at the popular trading card game Magic: The Gathering.

For Sara, this wasn’t much of a sales pitch. I’m surprised she still wanted to move, because we were leaving Denver, Colorado, a far cooler town. Yet she joined me nonetheless, and we’ve been here ever since. I consider myself very lucky.

…Sports Franchises Would Go Somewhere Else to Die

Albany is famous for attracting third-rate professional sports teams that leave after a handful of years. It happened to the River Rats, the Devils, the Firebirds, and most recently—and painfully—to the Empire.

I loved the Albany Empire, albeit mostly from a comedy standpoint. My good buddies Jeremy and Ryan had season tickets with their family, so they’d sometimes invite me to games.

These games weren’t only entertaining—they were educational. After all, we learned new rules every time we attended. Did you know players could catch touchdown passes off the screen behind the goalposts, almost like a bank shot in basketball? We didn’t, either…until the Empire did it.

The team boasted numerous memorable characters, including a guy with the nickname “Boom-Boom” (can’t remember his legal name) who celebrated touchdowns by standing on the logo and pretending to rev a push lawnmower. It was transcendent.

But of all the characters on the Albany Empire, the greatest was the quarterback, Tom Grady. Not Brady. Grady. Jeremy and I designed shirts with the B crossed out and replaced with a G. I still wear mine.

Though Grady wasn’t quite as successful as his NFL counterpart, he still put up stats (number six all-time in passing yards and number five in passing touchdowns, according to ArenaFan.com). One time he was signing autographs on the sidelines prior to a big-time game (one-dollar hot dog night), and Jeremy and I would’ve asked for his signature on our custom-made shirts, if only the other autograph-seekers weren’t 12-year-old children. Later, in 2019, Grady led the Empire to the ArenaBowl XXXII title. The fans even stormed the field, which was the greatest moment in Albany history since earning a shoutout in the Erie Canal song.

Sadly, a less savory character arrived to ruin it all: Antonio Brown.

You might remember AB as an electrifying wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers, an equally electrifying complainer for the Oakland Raiders (for whom he never played a snap), and an even more electrifying quitter for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. After the NFL gave up on him, you might’ve thought he’d start a cult or something. Instead, he became the majority owner of the Albany Empire.

This was fun at first, since famous people avoid Albany like my cats avoid my dog. However, based on Brown’s previous behavior, everyone knew where this was going. And it went there.

Brown started by failing to pay players, then cutting them when they complained. The Empire’s coaching staff was no exception to this merciless treatment; according to a brilliant ESPN story chronicling the whole sad affair, the team had three different head coaches in a five-game stretch. AB wasn’t paying his league dues, either, and with seven games still left to play on the schedule in 2022, the league voted out the Empire. And once again, Albany lost a pro team.

That ended up being a long anecdote. But few momentous events happen in Albany, so we’ve got to celebrate them all, even the failures. Especially the failures.

…My Family Would Have Fewer Hilarious Stories of Bureaucratic Dysfunction

Both my parents worked for New York State, so they’ve got hours of content on this subject. For instance, my mom worked in the Department of Education (shoutout to my mom), and during one meeting, the office brass distributed newly designed business cards, stressing how important and paradigm-shifting they would be. Then someone raised their hand.

“You spelled ‘education’ wrong,” they said.

Now if that isn’t a moment straight out of The Office, I don’t know what is.

…The Movie Salt Would Not Exist

Salt is a middling 2010 action-thriller starring Angelina Jolie as a spy or something. Fact is, the only reason I watched Salt is because it features a pivotal chase sequence shot in Albany. Evidently, ours was the only city willing to shut down its multi-tiered highway system for several days, just for some cash and a “special thanks” in the credits.

Though the scene is supposed to take place in Washington, DC, you can spot numerous Albany landmarks in the background, including the aforementioned New York State Museum and a decaying warehouse that’s stood downtown since I was a kid. Albany wins again.

…I Wouldn’t Exist, Either

There’s no me without Albany, and I’m not just saying that because it rhymes. I was born at Albany Med and have lived here pretty much all my life, so without it, I wouldn’t be here, and you wouldn’t be reading this, and you’d never know about Philip Livingston, and that would be sad for all involved.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Albany might not be one of the premier cities in the country, but it’s home. Here’s hoping our next sports franchise fares a little better.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Halloween

October 31, 2023 / Kyle A. Massa

Halloween

This article might be controversial. After all, Halloween is a beloved holiday. In fact, in terms of belovedness, it’s right up there with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and International Juggling Day. Maybe not that last one.

But hey, this series is often about appreciating subjects through their hypothetical absence. So let’s start appreciating. In a world without Halloween…

…Michael Myers Would Actually, Really, Seriously Be Dead

Because he’d never exist. Get it?

For the record, I wouldn’t mourn. Though most regard John Carpenter’s 1978 slasher film Halloween as an all-time classic, I think it’s overrated. I recognize everything it did for the genre, but I find it tiresome when Mikey survives for, like, the 13th time.

Speaking of 13, that’s how many Halloween films exist. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve only seen the original, so I can’t vouch for the rest, yet something tells me Rob Zombie shouldn’t be making movies. That said, his and all the Halloween movies are undeniably lucrative; they’ve grossed a collective $885,966,037 worldwide, according to Wikipedia.

Imagine what filmgoers might’ve spent all that money on instead. Probably a different holiday-themed horror franchise, like an ornery cyclist who runs people off the road to their dooms on National Bicycle Day (Google assures me this is an actual day). I’d call it Cycle of Violence. Hey, did I just become a multi-million dollar movie executive?

…Trick-or-Treating Wouldn’t Be a Thing

This would be a massive blow to the Candy Industrial Complex, which invented Halloween just to clear their back stock of Baby Ruths. But won’t someone please think of the children? They are the ones who would suffer most. For kids, Halloween ranks higher on the grand fun meter than Paw Patrol, bounce houses, and TikTok.

…Well, maybe not TikTok. But if it does, that’s really saying something.

…No More Costumes, Either

Everybody loves dressing up for Halloween. Except me.

One year, for example, my mom spent hours doing my Count Dracula makeup. She’s a painter, by the way, so it was excellent. However, I took one look at myself in the mirror and became terrified of my reflection (ironic, considering I was a vampire). My poor mom watched as all her hard work went down the drain—literally. Ever since, I’ve been a curmudgeon with costumes. Sorry, Mom.

However, I believe I’m in the minority on that. Many people enjoy donning their Halloween costumes, including NFL fans attending games on or near our titular holiday. I once spotted a man in the stands wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey overtop a Minion costume jeering at Kirk Cousins while drinking a Pabst. It was quite the sight.

…There Would Be No Controversies Over Halloween Candy

Might not be a bad thing, considering these are some of our dumbest controversies. Every year, people earnestly argue that candy corn is a quality candy, or isn’t, then get outraged by the response. This is about as productive as pounding one’s head against a door—and likely has a similar effect on the brain. That said, I just poked fun at Baby Ruths a few paragraphs back, so I’m part of the problem.

…Horror Movies Would Diminish in Popularity (Slightly)

We all know half the fun of Halloween is watching scary movies with loved ones (or, if you happen to be crowded into a theater with noisy strangers, hated ones).

To be clear, horror movies are eternal, and I would never suggest that killing Halloween would kill their popularity. But there’s no doubt this would reduce it, at least a little. After all, what other time of year would horror movie viewership peak? Spring? Too hopeful. Winter? Too Christmas-y. Summer? Too packed with Marvel movies. Halloween, and fall in general, is just right.

…The Dark Knight Wouldn’t Exist

At least not in its current form. That’s because the film’s plot was inspired by Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeph Loeb & Tim Sale, a graphic novel that features a killer who murders on holidays, starting with—you guessed it—Halloween.

Without Halloween there’s no comic, and without the comic there’s no inspiration, meaning Christopher Nolan and co. would have to look elsewhere for ideas, perhaps returning to the campiness of the Adam West Batman. Somehow, I don’t think Shark Repellent Bat Spray jives with, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

Furthermore, speaking from personal experience, losing this film would be a tremendous blow, not least of all because I saw it four times in theaters. Being a high school sophomore at the time, I was convinced it was the greatest movie ever made by anyone, ever. I’ve since decided that distinction belongs to Troll 2, but Dark Knight is still in my top 10.

…Your Neighbors Would Have More Lawn Space

This one is self-explanatory.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Happy Halloween! Hope you enjoy all that candy corn.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Taco Bell

August 21, 2023 / Kyle A. Massa

The World Without Taco Bell

Would a world without Taco Bell be worth existing in?

I’m unsure, reader. But sometimes the best way to appreciate greatness is to imagine our lives without it. So, in the spirit of celebrating everybody’s favorite subpar brand of cheap, grade-D ground beef-based fast food, let’s start imagining. In a world without Taco Bell…

…There Would Be Far Fewer Five-Year-Old Taco Sauce Packets Stuffed Into Drawers

I love Taco Bell, but seriously, they give you way too many sauce packets. Sometimes they’ll stuff them in there without even asking, making me wonder how the bag doesn’t rip from the weight of all those individually packaged condiments. It feels like a waste to throw them out, so you’ll end up cramming them away, only to rediscover them years later in the dark recesses of your cabinets.

The good news is, there’s so much sodium packed inside that they’ll never go bad, no matter how many decades into the future you rediscover them. Enjoy!

…We’d Have Fewer Late-Night Options

We all know why people order food after midnight, and it’s not because they’re looking for fine cuisine. It’s because they’re drunk, high, or both, putting them in the perfect mind state to make bad decisions. Enter Taco Bell.

To be fair, Taco Bell is like Samuel Adams beer, in that it’s always a good decision…or maybe it’s simultaneously good and bad. Good in that it tastes good, bad in that it’s bad for you.

…Sylvester Stallone’s Acting Career Would’ve Ended

Let’s step back into the 90s for a moment. Sylvester Stallone is making a lot of movies, though few of them are any good. I mean, when’s the last time you watched Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot? Other than 1993’s Cliffhanger, it’s a rough decade for the Italian Stallion. But there was another glimmer of hope: Demolition Man.

I first watched this movie with my dad, who specifically encouraged me to see it. When I asked him why, he answered, “You’ll see.”

In this sci-fi action flick, Stallone plays a reckless cop who’s cryogenically frozen in 1996 and thawed out in 2032, finding himself in a puritanical future. I enjoyed the explosions and the random cameo of Jack Black as “Wasteland Scrap #2.” But most of all, I enjoyed the police banquet scene.

Why? Because the banquet is catered by Taco Bell. Yes, according to Demolition Man, we can all look forward to a future where Taco Bell is given the respect it deserves. My dad knows me well.

In a world without the Bell, this movie would lose a critical plot point. And without this movie, Stallone would lose one of his only two good movies in the decade. Talk about Live Más.

…I’d Be Deprived of Treasured Childhood Memories

Once upon a time, there was a young lad who lived down the street from a combination KFC-Taco Bell restaurant.

The young lad’s favorite item on the menu was a combo meal of two chicken strips and two tacos, plus two sides of his choosing. This was not a healthy meal, nor was it high-quality, but it was delicious. Whenever the young lad’s parents asked him what he wanted for dinner, lunch, and sometimes breakfast, he’d answer, “A number six combo meal, please.”

When the young lad grew into a man (or at least a little less of a lad), his beloved KFC-Taco Bell closed down, ceding its building to an ostentatious conglomerate known as Starbucks. Nowadays, the man often drives past that Starbucks location, and when he does, he sighs longingly, thinking about what once was and what will never be.

In other words, down with Starbucks. Bring back my KFC-Taco Bell!

…I Would Lose Out on a Favorite College Tradition

Yes, the Bell has been a lifelong obsession. When I was a student at Ithaca College, for example, I formed a tradition for myself. I would stop at Ithaca’s Taco Bell (still thriving to this day), then order a chicken quesadilla and a Crunchwrap Supreme. Next, I’d head down the road to the nearest gas station and purchase a Monster energy drink. As you can see, I was a very health-conscious individual.

During my three-hour drive back to Albany, I’d eat, drink, and listen to an audiobook on my iPod Classic. This tradition was enjoyable for two reasons: First, because I got to eat Taco Bell, and second, because there were no viable rest stops between Ithaca and Albany, so I always made excellent time.

…Long John Silver’s Would Die

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Long John Silver’s fast food location without a Taco Bell attached to it. This is likely a parasitic relationship, with Taco Bell being the proud lion on the savanna, and LJS being the tape worm living inside the lion’s colon.

…A Thriving Community Would Vanish

And I’m not talking about the Roanoke Colony. I’m talking about Taco Bell fans.

For people who revere the Bell, meeting another aficionado is a momentous occasion. For instance, my brother-in-law and I have had no fewer than 30 separate conversations about the greatness of Taco Bell. Sometimes we even discuss how long it’s been since we’ve last eaten there, often in sad and wistful tones.

And that’s not all. Have you been on the Taco Bell Instagram account lately? At least 20% of their posts are pics of people heading inside after attending prom or getting married. There’s even an online literary magazine called Taco Bell Quarterly that I desperately want to publish a story in. Wish me luck.

…The World’s Collective Happiness Would Decline by 6%

I’m docking one percentage point per decade Taco Bell has existed (the first Bell opened in 1962). We have to be scientific about these things.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

So would a world without Taco Bell be worth existing in? Alright, fine, I guess so. But it certainly wouldn’t be the same. I, for one, am glad it’s still here.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include four books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without “Star Wars”

May 8, 2023 / Kyle A. Massa

Four days ago, in a galaxy super close…

…It was May the 4th. As the nerdiest holiday on the calendar, it’s a celebration of all things Star Wars. So today, we’ll be discussing this glorious franchise, and how different our world might be without it.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this. But, in a world without Star Wars…

…We’d Be Missing All the Memes

Youngling memes, Darth Plagueis the Wise memes, “Hello there” memes. So many memes! Granted, most come from the prequels, since they’ve got such hammy dialogue. But the point still stands. Like the execution of Order 66, Star Wars memes are works of art. As such, they must be celebrated.

…Scrolling Credits Would Never Be an Acceptable Form of Exposition

Not that I’ve ever seen goldenrod paragraphs floating through space in any other movies. But Star Wars set the precedent, meaning the next time you need to explain the rise of a totalitarian military regime in your galaxy, here’s your method.

…The Mid-Budget Adult Drama Would Still Exist

Along with Steven Spielberg’s Jaws, Star Wars pioneered the Hollywood summer blockbuster. It popularized big-budget, effects-laden film franchising, which evolved into cinematic universes several decades later, most notably the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And, because of Marvel, what movies rarely get financed anymore? Mid-budget adult dramas. Thanks, George Lucas.

…George Lucas Would Have a Rough IMDB

Speaking of George, if you extract Star Wars from his credits, he’s leaning on Willow, Labyrinth, and Indiana Jones. All good stuff, though he tarnished Indy with the whole ancient aliens thing. Here’s hoping Dial of Destiny is better; the title keeps reminding me of Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny.

There’s another blemish on George’s resume, and its name is Howard the Duck. I’ve never seen this film, but I’ve heard podcasts about it, and let me tell you, it sounds horrendous. I mean, here’s the opening sentence of the Wikipedia synopsis:

“Howard the Duck is 27 years old and lives on Duckworld, a planet similar to Earth, but inhabited by anthropomorphic ducks and orbited by twin moons.”

No wonder it won four Razzies.

…Some of Our Greatest Nerd Debates Would Never Be

Did Solo shoot first? Was Jar-Jar Binks a secret Sith Lord? Should Midi-chlorian count be an official stat at the NFL combine? I’ve had many similar debates with my friends, and they often get heated.

For example, as soon as we left the theater for Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker, we were arguing. Jeremy and Robby maintained the prequels were better than what we’d just witnessed, while I countered with the mere existence of Jar-Jar Binks. I still don’t know who won that argument—but at least we could have it.

…No More Jar-Jar Binks

While we’re on the subject of Jar-Jar, he gets more hate than Howard the Duck—which is really saying something. In fact, I’ve only ever met one person in my entire life who doesn’t despise him, and that’s my wife, Sara.

“What?” she said. “I think he’s funny.”

This statement proves Sara is the kindest person on the planet, and perhaps in the entire galaxy.

…I’d Lose My Hottest Take

Even with JJB, I honestly believe Star Wars: The Phantom Menace is a magnificent film.

This isn’t a bit. I really mean it. If I could dial up any Star Wars film on Disney+ (not that I can, because I’m too cheap to buy a subscription), this would be it. It’s got incredible production design and imagination, not to mention the greatest lightsaber duel in the franchise’s history. Where’s my DVD player?

…We’d Have Far Fewer Culturally Relevant Weird Sounds

It’s rare that a film’s sound effects become as recognizable as the dialogue. The hum of the Lightsaber, the respirator of Darth Vader, the beep-boop of R2-D2—all great. Even the silly, ululating call of that lizard thing Obi-Wan rides in Revenge of the Sith caught on with my friends. To this day, we’ll shout it at each other across rooms, usually in public, making people wonder what’s wrong with us.

…Phish Wouldn’t be Phish

My brother- and sister-in-law are big fans of the jam band Phish, so they tell me all about the group’s special lingo. For example, if you spot a shirtless, hairy, sweaty, and high man at a Phish show, you’ve just spotted a Wook. Though the origin of the term is difficult to identify, I’m thinking it must be from Star Wars’s Wookies, as in Chewbacca, as in space Bigfoot.

Wooks are a mainstay of the jam band scene, as I understand it, and are therefore essential to Phish’s economy. Without Wooks, could Phish even afford to be the band they are today? I think not.

…Walmart’s Shelves Would Be Barren

I’m being a little facetious. I know Walmart carries far more than just Star Wars collectibles. But have you seen how much Star Wars stuff they have? Whether it’s action figures, video games, t-shirts, replica lightsabers, or Lego crossovers, I’d venture a good 25.75% of their inventory is from a galaxy far, far away.

What would they do with all that extra shelving? Probably stock more Minions merch.

…I’d Need New Dad Jokes

When you become a dad, you make dad jokes. You can’t stop it or control it. It just happens.

So it went for me when my daughter Sasha was born. During the winter, for example, she often wore oversized hoods, which made her look like Emperor Palpatine. From that day on, I dubbed her “Baby Sith.” Fortunately, Baby Sith hasn’t yet exhibited any Sith-like tendencies, i.e. killing the person who named her, i.e. me.

Now that she’s a year-and-a-half old, she makes lots of weird sounds, many of which are gurgles, and sometimes she sounds a lot like Chewy. Hence, “Baby Chewbacca.” If she ever starts complaining about the coarseness of sand, I suppose I’ll have to call her “Baby Ani.”

Of course, the most obvious dad joke in Star Wars is the Vader classic “I am your father” line. I’m being careful with that one, though, because I don’t want Sasha reacting the way Luke did: “No, no, that’s not true. That’s impossible!” Even if you’re the enforcer of the Galactic Empire, that one’s gotta hurt.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

May the force be with us. Always.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Haircuts

April 16, 2023 / Kyle A. Massa

Haircuts and the World Without Them

This might seem like an odd subject for our “World Without” series, but we’ve reached a point where we need to jump the shark. You know, like when The X-Files replaced Mulder and Scully, or when Fonzie literally jumped a shark on water skis. Plus, as I wrote this one, I realized it was pretty interesting.

So, without further nonsense, in a world without haircuts…

…Pantene Would’ve Produced The Rings of Power

In a world without haircuts, we’d have a lot more hair. And in a world with more hair, shampoo products would become even bigger than Silicon Valley tech giants. With their surplus income, I can imagine Pantene entering the streaming game with their own service: Pantene+ (just $7.99 a month, plus tax).

What’s the first IP they would adapt? Lord of the Rings, of course, because everybody has long, silky hair in Middle-Earth.

…Except Aragorn. His is kinda greasy.

…Edward Scissorhands Never Would’ve Found His Calling

Or maybe he’d put his scissorhands to different use. Why not circumcision?

…Wigs Would Become Obsolete

This would give my wife, Sara, and I quote, “extreme mixed feelings.” Let me explain.

According to Sara, French aristocrats of the 18th century used plaster to keep their big hair looking big. Apparently, this attracted rats who’d burrow inside the plaster while the aristocrats slept, inspiring the French to develop hairpins not for fashion, but for skewering nesting rodents.

This claim seems dubious to me, especially when Sara says they’d go about their days with dead rats rotting in their hair. There must be more to the story, but the ending always dissolves into unintelligible giggling. I’ll circle back if I ever hear the rest.

…My Hair Would Be Extremely Fluffy

My hair doesn’t grow down—it grows out. I’m fortunate that it grows at all, especially considering my grandpa began balding in his 20s, but headbanging to “Mars for the Rich” just isn’t the same when your hair has the approximate shape of a cream puff.

…I’d Have No Newsletter Subscribers

While we’re on the subject of my hair, I once sent a newsletter about it to all my subscribers. This was during the early days of the pandemic, so I, like many, hadn’t gotten a haircut in far too long.

My subscribers were not amused. In fact, 26 of them unsubscribed, which is a personal record.

Without haircuts, I’d probably send tons of newsletters about my crazy hair, losing more and more subscribers until I had none left. But hey, at least I’d save on my Mailchimp subscription.

…Scaling Towers Would Be Way Easier

Rapunzel’s hair is her calling card, but without haircuts, there would be a lot more Rapunzels. Hence the ease in tower-scaling.

…Long Nails Would Be the New Countercultural Statement

It was against the law to have fun in the 50s, so if you were a dude, society demanded you wear your hair short. That’s why the 60s countercultural movement embraced the flow. (For more information, I recommend the 1973 Who song “Cut My Hair.”)

However, long hair would be far more common in a world without haircuts. That’s why I think long nails would’ve become the new countercultural statement instead. “My nails are like my spirit, man: Dirty and untamed!”

…The World at Large Would Endure an Abject Tragedy

Aside from bellowing, cursing, and general lunacy, a hallmark of Nicolas Cage’s career has been his ever-changing hairstyles.

Compare the receding mullet of Con Air to the jet-black quasi-Pat Monahan spikes of Ghost Rider. And we can’t forget the California surfer flow of Season of the Witch. At a rough estimate, Cage’s unpredictable haircuts provide 28.9% of the fun of his performances, leaving the other 71.1% to the aforementioned lunacy. He’d still be great—just not as great. And if that’s not tragic, I don’t know what is.

…I Might’ve Avoided Not One, But Two Traumatic College Memories

I’m a bit of a cheapskate, so when my college chum Jason offered me a free haircut during our freshman year, I said, “Sure, buddy!” I should’ve asked for his credentials because, as it turned out, he had none.

I requested a cut like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Departed. What I got was Friar Tuck from Robin Hood. Jason kept clipping my sideburns, and, deciding they weren’t even, continued to clip them up and up and up until I no longer had any. He also left me nearly bald in the back, for reasons that remain unclear.

The result was so heinous I hid it beneath a hat for weeks on end. You’d think I might’ve learned something from the experience, but when senior year arrived, I asked my friend Erik to cut my hair next. In my defense, he cut his own and it looked good, so I figured he could do the same for me.

Again, I was mistaken. Erik took chunks from my scalp at random, making me resemble a head of broccoli nibbled by a rabbit. I still don’t understand how this happened. Sabotage, perhaps?

Whatever the explanation, in a world without haircuts, I might’ve been spared several weeks of people asking, “What happened to you?” (Also, this makes me think Ithaca College should offer a degree in hairstyling. Seems to be a common gap in our education.)

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Haircuts are pretty important, I’d say, especially after writing this article. Good thing they’re still a thing.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without the New York Yankees

March 20, 2023 / Kyle A. Massa

Scottkipp, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons. Modified by the author using Canva.

They’re the greatest franchise in American sports. They’re the juggernauts of the AL East. They’re the team that employed George Costanza. They are the New York Yankees.

I myself am a fan of the Bronx Bombers, so I think I’m qualified to imagine life in their absence. (And I’ll even try to be objective.) In a world without the New York Yankees…

…I Might’ve Had a Happier 2004

This is the year I got into baseball. My grandpa had always loved the Yankees, but I wasn’t hooked until I met several school chums who followed the same sport.

Bad timing on my part. Any baseball fan worth their salt (or infield dirt, as it were) remembers 2004 as the season the Boston Red Sox reversed the Curse of the Bambino and won the World Series. On their way, they surmounted a three-games-to-nothing series deficit against my beloved Yankees—the first such comeback in baseball history.

There are moments from October 2004 that still haunt me. Tony Clark’s ground-rule double. Johnny Damon’s Game 7 grand slam. My friends Jimmy, Jake, and Ben cackling like hyenas when the Sox finally won, making me wish I’d faked an illness to skip school.

If the Yankees didn’t exist, I might’ve been spared all this anguish. But, to quote the late great Yogi Berra, “You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.”

…New Yorkers Would Have to Root for the New York Mets

Look, even Mets fans don’t want to root for the Mets. They’re either abjectly terrible or painfully close to (yet always short of) greatness. The recent injury to big-money closer Edwin Diaz is just another example.

To be fair, the Mets have appeared in the World Series more recently than the Yankees. But one of my best buds Jeremy is a Mets fan, and he’s currently reading a book about his team called So Many Ways to Lose. Its very existence proves my claim.

…The 50s Would’ve Been a More Interesting Baseball Decade

I’m a lifelong Yankees fan, but even I have to admit the 1950s must’ve been a boring time to watch baseball. During that decade, the Yankees appeared in eight World Series and won six of them. I’ve never even had that kind of success in video games, and I always play on rookie mode.

…The Baltimore Orioles, Toronto Blue Jays, and Tampa Bay Rays Would Be More Relevant

Aside from the Red Sox, no other AL East team accomplishes much (usually because the Yanks double their payroll). Without the Yankees, the Orioles might have more championships than three, the Blue Jays might have more than two, and the Rays might have more than zero. Plus, all three teams might have more fans in general.

For example, the only Orioles fan I’ve ever met is my friend Cole. When people discover this, they all ask him the same question: “But why?”

…The World Would Lose a Beloved Folk Hero

I am, of course, referring to George Herman “Babe” Ruth, the man many consider the greatest baseball player of all time. As I alluded to earlier, the Red Sox infamously sold Ruth’s contract to the Yankees in 1919, kickstarting nearly a century of misery in Boston and glory in New York.

If the Yankees hadn’t existed and Ruth had remained a Red Sock, he might’ve continued primarily pitching, in which case he would’ve needed new nicknames, like “The Pitchino” or “The Thane of Throw.” They just don’t have the same ring.

…And What About the Candy Bar?

Without the Yankees there’s no Ruth, and without Ruth there’s no Baby Ruth candy bar. What a tragic loss!

JK, this would change nothing. In my life, I’ve met more Orioles fans than Baby Ruth fans.

…Sports Fans Would Lose a Bitter Enemy

Red Sox Nation hates the Yankees, as do pretty much all other fans. But deep down, they all know sports are better with rivalries. After all, how compelling would Star Wars be without the Empire?

…Pinstripes Wouldn’t Be a Thing

Other teams wore them first, but nobody wore them better. One of the earliest uses of the word in English came in The Canterbury Tales, proving beyond a doubt that even Geoffrey Chaucer was a Yankees fan.

…Judge Judy Would Still be the World’s Most Famous Judge

She had this title on lock in the 90s, and though Judy’s still famous, she carries a little less cachet these days. I mean, are people entering her court wearing judge outfits?

Nope. But they sure are for Yankees captain Aaron Judge. All rise.

…Joe Torre Would’ve Been Remembered as a Scrub

If you know baseball, you know Joe Torre. He led the Yankees to six World Series appearances, winning four of them (including three consecutive from 1998 to 2000).

Yet people forget that when the Yankees hired him in 1996, many considered Torre a failure. In fact, the previous three teams he’d managed had all fired him. The New York Daily News even went so far as to run this headline: “Clueless Joe.”

A sick burn, though one that hasn’t aged well. Good thing for Joe and us Yankees fans alike.

…I Might’ve Turned Out a Little Different

Growing up, my role model was Yankees shortstop and captain Derek Jeter. Not only was Jeter a Hall of Fame baseball player and leader—he was a genuinely good guy. I always strove to be like him (though the only time I played shortstop, I made three errors in one inning).

Without such a positive role model, who might young Kyle have idolized? The list is narrow and filled with fictional characters: Fox Mulder, Homer Simpson, and Gollum. Good thing Jeter existed.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Whether you love them or hate them, the New York Yankees are one of America’s defining franchises. And in a few short weeks, they’ll return for Opening Day. Here’s hoping this season doesn’t end with yet another painful elimination by the Astros.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Email

January 22, 2023 / Kyle A. Massa

The World Without Email

You’ve got mail. Wait, actually, you don’t.

That’s the situation we’re examining in today’s edition of “The World Without.” No Yahoo, no Gmail, no Outlook, nuthin’. In a world without email…

…We’d Communicate Via Raven

There are more efficient methods of long-distance communication, including but not limited to text message, phone call, or even my nemesis, Snapchat. However, sending ravens would be the coolest. That’s how they do it in Westeros, setting of my all-time favorite fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire. And if we did it this way, I could have my secret dream job: maester.

Don’t let Grand Maester Pycelle fool you—being a maester is a sweet gig. All you do all day is read books and offer counsel. You also tend to the aforementioned ravens (which is probably an unpleasant task, for all I know). However, assuming it’s not that bad, a world without email would be perfect for maesters and ravens alike.

(P.S. If you’re a lord or lady, I’ll send my resume.)

…We’d Be Spared from Cold Sales Emails

Raise your hand if you’ve ever received a message like this:

Hi Kyle,

Just following up on my previous six unanswered emails! As a reminder, we could boost your Instagram following by 100x using our AI-powered CRM solution for B2B and B2C companies, as well as midsized-hybrid-sole-proprietorships! Here’s a link to our overview video featuring cheery vector graphic cartoon people and a British voiceover!

If you don’t respond to this email, no worries! This is an automated drip campaign with seven more messages incoming!

Cheers,

Nate

They always sign these emails with “cheers,” and their name is always “Nate.” In a world without email, we’d never receive this stuff— and I would be much happier.

…There’d Be An End to Phishing Emails

I find it interesting that we spell this term the same way as the jam band Phish. Does this suggest a connection? Are they themselves behind the phishing scams?

I’m unsure, and I’m also unsure of Phish’s legal prowess, so I’ll stop asking questions before I get sued.

…We’d Be Far More Productive

If you’re a working stiff like me, the first thing you do when you enter the office is answer emails. This is a fate worse than Sisyphus’s. If you somehow reach the bottom of your inbox, it never, ever stays empty. If it does, that means you’ve been fired. I’d speak with HR immediately.

…I Wouldn’t Be a Writer

I mean, I’d still write stuff—you’d just never know about it. That’s because the main way readers keep abreast of my writing is via my email newsletter.

Though it’s the best marketing tool I have, I haven’t always used it optimally. For example, I once sent a newsletter with this subject line: “A quick update on the state of my hair.” I then shared a picture of said hair, which hadn’t been cut in months. It was so puffy I ended up looking like Toad from Mario. And judging by the 26 unsubscribes I got, people were not amused.

Without email, I never would’ve made this mistake. But this all happened about a month into Covid, so can you blame me for being a little kooky?

…I’d Be Living in My Dad’s Basement

I’m a writer, but my day job is marketing. And, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, email is a pillar of the industry. Without it, it’s very possible I wouldn’t have a job, hence why I’d be living in my dad’s basement.

Though this would stink, it wouldn’t be all downside. I mean, free housing is nice. Also, I spent most of high school playing Rock Band 2 in the basement, so I could always run it back. My virtual band was called Northern Red Stallion, and let me tell you, we played one rollicking rendition of Jethro Tull’s “Aqualung.” If I returned to the basement, NRS could embark on a reunion world tour and call it “The Stallion Rides Again.” Tickets on sale soon.

…Passwords Would Be Lost Forever

Because where would the recovery messages go? Perhaps we’d receive them via some exotic method, such as Morse Code. Not a bad skill to learn, in my opinion, especially if you’re, like, locked in a truck and don’t want the kidnapper to notice your calls for help.

Speaking of being locked in a trunk, one time my friends and I thought it would be fun if two of us rode from Albany to Troy in the trunk of a car. I assure you, this was not a kidnapping—Jimmy and Dan volunteered.

For those unfamiliar with upstate New York geography, Albany to Troy is about a 20-minute drive, with plenty of potholes in between. Jim and Dan didn’t use Morse code to communicate from the trunk; they just texted, and occasionally moaned. When we arrived and they emerged, a couple on the back patio of a nearby bar gave them a standing ovation. It was awesome.

How did I get on this tangent? Oh yeah. Passwords. Don’t forget ’em.

…You’ve Got Mail Wouldn’t Exist

To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve actually seen this movie. I think I watched it on network TV once, but it might’ve been Sleepless in Seattle.

Anyhoo, you don’t get the title—let alone the film itself—without email. (Side note: My wife says I overuse the word “anyhoo,” so I’m considering a new entry entitled “The World Without ‘Anyhoo,'” where I try to go an entire post without using the titular word. We’ll see how it goes.) Anyhoo, for the Zoomers out there, You’ve Got Mail was once AOL’s catchphrase for incoming emails. These were the days when any old computerized voice was a novelty (unlike today, when I routinely confuse Siri with Alexa).

In a world without email, perhaps this film would’ve been named You’ve Got Raven. In this alternate version, Meg Ryan would receive a raven from the south notifying her that her betrothed, Tom Hanks, had been beheaded by the Lannisters. RIP.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

We’ve still got email, so please excuse me while I go answer mine. I think a gift card just arrived.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.