Category: Writing (Page 2 of 12)

The Three Authors of April, Part 3: Neil Gaiman

July 5, 2022 /
neil gaiman

Image copyright: nrkbeta, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

I haven’t been to many rock concerts, but I suspect I now know what it’s like. I went to a Neil Gaiman reading.

BTW: This is the final part in a three-part series chronicling all the author events I attended in April. Part 1 was about Colson Whitehead and Part 2 was about David Sedaris. Part three is about to begin.

The Event

After a 30-minute sojourn into Schenectady, New York, I parked on level two of a parking garage near Proctor’s Theatre, then noticed a girl with a sparkling black dress and purple hair. Only the most interesting people come out to see Neil Gaiman, and many of them are moderately goth (like the author himself).

I purchased tickets to this event almost three years prior. Originally scheduled for 2020, the pandemic said “LOL” to that plan, sweeping in like the big bad wolf to huff and puff and blow the date to 2021, then 2022. Fortunately, the final date stuck.

I attended with my brother-in-law Dan (shoutout to Dan), who read the entirety of Gaiman’s Sandman catalogue in a matter of months. Once we met up, we proceeded into the theater (theatre?) for an evening with Neil.

The Author

If you’re not familiar with Neil Gaiman’s work, you soon will be; his masterful Sandman comic series comes to Netflix in August. He’s also penned novels for adults (American Gods, Good Omens, Stardust), children’s books (Coraline), movie scripts (Beowulf), and even nonfiction (The View from the Cheap Seats). Name a genre and he’s written it.

Proctor’s was sold out, and when Neil took the stage wearing his customary all-black attire, that sold-out crowd erupted. I snagged a pic:

Neil Gaiman

That glow though.

What’s that burst of light onstage? Is Neil some sort of radiant angel? Well, no—this is just what happens when you take a picture in the dark. But hey, judging by the ovation, he might as well be divine.

To kick off the festivities, Neil commented on how this event was supposed to take place two years prior. “Sorry I was late,” he said. He then read several pieces, beginning with “Credo,” a nonfiction piece written in response to the Charlie Hebdo murders carried out by Al-Qaeda. For his second reading, he asked if we wanted something funny or scary, to which the overwhelming response was, “Scary!” So, we got “Click Clack the Rattlebag.”

After that, I lost track of the readings. I know he did “Chivalry” and “Making a Chair,” though I don’t recall the order. He also read a piece I’d never heard before and never caught the name of, mostly because I was afraid of another member of the audience.

Her name was Holly. I know this because, at some point halfway through the show, she stood up and announced her name, then informed the crowd that she’d invented a device to “solve the bipartisan machine.” This really happened—you can ask Dan if you don’t believe me. It was so bizarre and unexpected that, for a moment, nobody spoke.

Neil tried to diffuse the situation with humor. “Holly,” he said, “I should warn you, this crowd might tear you limb from limb.” Holly kept going, though, and the good people of Schenectady began to jeer. One concerned citizen even offered a helpful recommendation: “Shut your face!” At that point, Holly shrugged, said, “Okay,” then reclaimed her seat and did not speak again. I suppose the bipartisan machine will continue to chug along.

Aside from that, it was a wonderful night. Between readings, Neil answered questions, many from educators and librarians. A few I noted…

Q: Of all your characters, which was the most fun to write?

A: Delirium from Sandman. “She did her own dialogue.”

Q: You have been described as critic proof. How does that feel?

A: “I am? Oh, good.”

Q: What advice do you have for young writers?

A: “Get into trouble.”

My notes grow sparse from there, probably because I was enjoying myself. I did write “my butt hurts,” though that’s to be expected when you’re seated for two hours. Yet no one remained seated when the evening ended. We gave Neil a standing, raucous ovation. It truly did feel like a rock concert.

The Takeaways

Neil Gaiman continues to be the sort of author I aspire to be. He’s made a living from writing what interests him, whether it be adult fiction, comic books, nonfiction, screenplays, or anything else.

For me, Neil exemplifies creative freedom. And that’s a goal worth striving for.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The Three Authors of April, Part 2: David Sedaris

June 20, 2022 /
David Sedaris

Image copyright: Harald Krichel, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

I had the privilege of attending three author events in April. Last week, we kicked off the series with Colson Whitehead discussing space crackheads. In part two, I met David Sedaris.

The Event

It was Sunday, April 10, and Sedaris visited the Oncenter in Syracuse, New York. Tickets were a birthday present from my wife (thank you Sara!), and Sara’s mom Karen also joined us.

The first thing I recall seeing: A long table seasoned with Sedaris’s many books, which have delightfully eclectic covers. For instance, we purchased a copy of When You Are Engulfed in Flames; its cover depicts an astronaut’s skeleton sinking into sand, while a futuristic spaceship crumbles in the background. It looks like an Asimov novel, though Sedaris writes humorous nonfiction. I’m unsure how those connect, but I dig it.

The Crouse Hinds Theater wasn’t sold out, but it was pretty well filled, especially for a Sunday afternoon. We sat about 10 rows back on the right side of the stage—the perfect vantage to appreciate the author’s entrance. Speaking of which…

The Author

If you’ve read David Sedaris, you’re familiar with his affinity for culottes. He often writes about them, and though I’m aware of these pants from his writing, I’ve never actually seen them—until this event.

Turns out they’re a silky, reddish-orange garment that fall just below the knees and billow when you walk. Sedaris wore his with a suit jacket. They look super comfortable, and I might try wearing them if I was brave enough (not that I am).

Other than the culottes, my notes for this event were less thorough than those for Colson Whitehead. This is because the lights went down and remained dim until the end. I had my notebook and pen ready, but I couldn’t see what I was writing. The result: My notes were even messier than usual, not to mention incoherent. What does “piece on scaffolds” mean, anyway?

Still, even without my notes, I recall the sheer coolness of the event. Hundreds of people gathered in an auditorium to hear someone read stuff. We love to make sweeping claims about society these days, one of the most common being that cell phones have killed the long attention span. Yet there we were, a few hundred contradictions, enjoying a simple reading for over two hours. Aside from quick pictures, I saw nary a cell screen.

Anyhoo, enough cultural commentary. Let’s talk about jizzum-soaked hags.

David Sedaris said it, not me. I know this because it was one of the few legible entries in my notebook, as if God really wanted me to remember it. For context, Sedaris was listing phrases The New Yorker has cut from his articles in the past. “Jizzum-soaked hag” was used to describe a woman who accosted him during a late night wander through Central Park, an episode he went into hilarious detail on.

After various anecdotes like this and a few essays, Sedaris concluded the readings with some journal entries. I’ve kept a journal of my own since this date, mostly because I want to someday sell mine like he did. Here’s an entry from the day after the event:

“It occurs to me that Sedaris leads a far more interesting life than me. If you’re reading this someday in the future and you’ve paid for it, prepare for anecdotes about Albany, New York, Taco Bell, and the annoyances of indie publishing on Amazon. I apologize in advance.”

Nobody’s paying for that—but journaling has been fun nonetheless.

Sedaris capped things off with questions. This was perhaps my favorite part of the afternoon, because, unlike other authors, he makes no attempt to be polite in his answers. For instance, someone asked him, “What’s the best state to visit on book tours?” Sedaris answered something to the effect of, “We can’t end on that question, somebody give me another.”

The Post-Event

After the reading, we met the man himself. I didn’t take notes on this, so you’ll have to trust my memory. (Now we’re both in trouble.)

The line was long, and it stayed long no matter how long we stood in it. It was for good reason, though: Sedaris talks to everybody. This isn’t the cursory chat you get from most authors, where you say, “I just love your books,” and they say, “Why thank you, devoted follower.” Sedaris strikes up an actual conversation with everyone in line.

For example, he commiserated with my mother-in-law on the disadvantages of having the name “Karen” these days. Sedaris suggested that internet fads eventually pass, so this one probably would, too. I think Karen appreciated that.

My wife and I said little during this exchange. For weeks prior, Sara brainstormed something great to say, perhaps hoping she would appear in future books. She even considered giving him a salt potato or a jar of Pastabilities pasta sauce, sort of like a Syracusian peace offering.

Of course, once we got to the front of the line, we couldn’t think of anything except the occasional, “Yeah” or, “Thank you,” maybe even a, “You were great.” So it goes.

The Takeaways

Journaling! I tried keeping a journal in college but never maintained it. Since seeing David Sedaris, I’ve had far more success. And if I ever collect the entries in a book and sell them, you’ll know who to blame.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The Three Authors of April, Part 1: Colson Whitehead

June 13, 2022 /
Colson Whitehead

Image copyright: editrrix from NYC, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Way back in April, I attended three live author events, and I did not once get Covid. One was virtual, but still, it was a good run.

Initially, I planned to cover them all in one article. However, since each event was so informative and unique, I decided to write a three-part series instead. We begin on April 6th with Colson Whitehead.

The Author

Colson Whitehead is one of four authors in history who’s won two Pulitzer Prizes for Fiction, and he’s the only author ever to earn them consecutively. He’s written for the New York Times and The New Yorker, and in 2002, he was awarded a MacArthur Genius Grant.

To my shame, I’ve only read one Whitehead book: The Noble Hustle, a nonfiction account of the author’s forays into the world of professional poker. It was funny, witty, and well written, so I was pleased to learn the author would be speaking at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. (Bonus points if you can spell “Rensselaer” without spellcheck. I can’t.)

The Event

I attended this one from my couch. No, it wasn’t via astral projection—I watched on YouTube. Best seat in the house.

Whitehead himself attended via Zoom, though I understand he was initially scheduled to join live. He was, however, recovering from a recent bout of Covid, hence the remote attendance. He drank water and cleared his throat constantly throughout, so by the end I felt bad for the poor guy!

This was an event for writing students at RPI, so Whitehead began with advice. His overriding message was simple yet important: “Keep going. Stick with it.”

This sentiment resonates with me, especially now that I’ve completed my most recent novel. Some days I have a definite feeling of, So now what? I don’t yet know the answer, but there’s only one way to find it. Keep going and stick with it.

Whitehead then discussed his inspirations for his novels, including The Underground Railroad. The book began by taking the phrase “underground railroad” and making it literal. What if there was a railway under the earth that transported slaves? He internalized the idea for sometime, afraid to commit it to paper. Eventually, he decided “the one you’re afraid to do is the one you should maybe be doing.”

Now that is a revelation. If you’re afraid of a book, it’s probably because you know it’s important. In Colson Whitehead‘s case, his fear inspired a masterpiece.

Regarding his most recent novel, Harlem Shuffle, he wondered, “Can I do a heist book? I gave myself permission.” Again, here we see Whitehead’s overriding ideology: Write what interests you.

That’s an important reminder for indie authors like me, since we get preoccupied with trends. What works for some can work for many, sure. But if we conform to conventions rather than giving ourselves permission to write the books we’re most afraid of, we must be, to borrow a metaphor from the world of The Noble Hustle, leaving some chips on the table.

The Q&A portion came next, and someone asked what his next project would be. He said he’s deciding between two: a romance story and a sci-fi story. To study, he’s watching The Golden Girls and Star Wars. This was one of several answers where I honestly couldn’t tell if he was joking.

The topic of Star Wars sparked some of my favorite bits from the whole event. Whitehead cited all the technological achievements of the Star Wars universe, light sabers and interplanetary travel and cryogenic freezing, and yet he wants to know why (and I’m quoting here) “R2-D2 can’t get a fuckin’ voicebox, I just don’t get it.” He then likened jawas to “space crackheads,” a comparison that seems apt (not that I’ve met many crackheads—or jawas, for that matter).

There were several more questions, yet one stood out to me most. When asked about the intersection of reading and writing, Whitehead said this: “Read to find out what kind of writer you want to be. Write to find out what kind of writer you are.”

The Takeaways

I’m going to continue writing what interests me, particularly those ideas I’m most afraid of. I’m going to read more Colson Whitehead books (I’ve got Harlem Shuffle on the shelf). I’m going to keep reading and writing. And you know what? I’m going to avoid space crackheads.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Two Truths and a Lie, “Eggs for the Ageless” Style

June 5, 2022 /

Two Truths and a Lie with Eggs for the Ageless

Remember “two truths and a lie,” that game you play at summer camp and/or college orientation? Now you can play it with Eggs for the Ageless!

The game is simple. In honor of a dozen eggs, I’ve got a dozen statements for you, each with three possible answers. Two are true, and one is false. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to identify the lies. Just click your pick, then click “Submit,” and the answer will appear.

Hope you learn a little more about the book and have some fun along the way. Without further ado…

Hope you had fun! As mentioned, Eggs for the Ageless is available on ebook, paperback, and hardcover. Grab your copy today!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

“Eggs” by the Numbers

May 23, 2022 /

At long last, my new book, Eggs for the Ageless, in on sale. To celebrate, I crafted a fun little infographic to share some stats behind the book. Hope you enjoy it!

Eggs for the Ageless

Get your copy of Eggs for the Ageless!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Portrait of a Writer at Work

April 22, 2022 /

Portrait of a Writer at Work

Short blog post for you this week, detailing a short look at a very short story. A 10-word story, to be exact.

The Assingment

I’m a member of The Alliance of Independent Authors, an organization that just celebrated its 10-year anniversary. To commemorate the occasion, they hosted a 10-word story competition. Considering my short attention span, this sounded appealing. So, I got to work.

The Process

You’d think writing 10 words would be easy, but I found it harder than writing 10,000 times that number (I would know—that’s the length of my upcoming book.) Here are a few of my attempts:

She thought it was seaweed—until it grabbed and pulled.

The advertisements bemoaning the vaccine for advertisements regrettably didn’t work.

“I dreamed you were dead.”

“I’m not dead.”

“Okay, phew.”

As you can see, these ranged from iffy to downright horrendous. Writing a story with 10 words is like constructing a house with 10 materials, or painting a mural with 10 brushstrokes.

Finally, after about 10 duds, I wrote this:

Procrastinate. Tweet. Daydream. Delete. Behold, a paragraph! Break time. Repeat.

I called it “Portrait of a Writer at Work”—not that I liked it much, either. I kept writing, kept failing, and when the deadline loomed, I scrolled through my failures and decided the story above was the best I could do. I sent it, and evidently, someone like it.

The Result

My piece cracked the contest’s top 10! Alas, I didn’t win, but that’s quite alright. It was exhilarating to hear my name called on a livestream.

Hope you enjoyed the final product. Maybe I’ll write more in the future…

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

I’m Changing My Pen Name to Squm

April 1, 2022 /

April Fools

Samuel Clemens became Mark Twain. Lew Alcindor became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Sméagol became Gollum. And today, Kyle A. Massa becomes Squm.

There are several reasons I’ve settled on this new pen name, and in today’s article, I’d like to enumerate them. Here’s a free reason: Squm was my invented gamer tag for Super Smash Bros. Melee way back in the day. For more, keep reading.

Squm is Thrilling

You might recall my old name, Kyle A. Massa. Unless you’re wondering what happened to the -Chusetts, it’s a pedestrian name. Time for a rebrand.

Squm Has Nice Search Engine Potential

If you Google Squm right now, you’ll find Urban Dictionary results that are, shall we say, obscene. But that’s to be expected from Urban Dictionary. Plus, there is a pretty positive definition from December 2020:

“A hip word to describe a whacky occurrence – More commonly used as an exclamation.

Did you see that thing Mimi said? Holy SQUM was that weird.”

See? People already dig the name. Also, FYI, I’m still securing my new domain. www.squm.com is currently a French website with the following acronym:

  • Service
  • Qualité
  • Usinage
  • Maintenance

I wouldn’t recommend a visit, since my browser tells me this site isn’t secure. Don’t worry—it will be once I buy the URL.

Squm is Enigmatic

Is that a male or female name? Is it even a name, or just a typo? Is the person who invented it a complete weirdo? These are some questions that will no doubt occur to readers when they read my new name. All for the better.

Squm Looks Good on a Cover

Just look at my updated books:

Behold the space I’m saving! Now I’ll have more room for quotes about what a cool name Squm is.

Squm is Catchy

Don’t you just love saying Squm? I sure do. My wife does, too. She calls me Squm about 30% of the time (this is not an exaggeration, you can ask her). From now on, call me Squm 100% of the time.

Squm Rhymes with Rum

Point of clarification: Rum makes me a little queasy. Even so, many other people enjoy it (Jack Sparrow, for instance), meaning they might draw a positive association from me.

…Or they might recall a puke-laden college bender. But who am I to judge?

Squm is Pithy

Countless celebrities throughout history have made it big with mononyms, from Homer and Satan to Cher and Zendaya. Plus, you get to be mononymous, which means, according to Wikipedia, “an individual who is known and addressed by a single name.” If that’s not cool, I don’t know what is.

Squm is Just an April Fools’ Joke

If you haven’t checked your calendar yet, today is April Fools’ Day. I’m not really changing my pen name to Squm. However, I am running a site-wide sale on all my ebooks from now until April 10th. They’re all 50%, so feel free to browse. I promise none of them have the word “Squm” on them.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

How to Take Forever to Write a Book

March 24, 2022 /

Writing Tips

My new novel, Eggs for the Ageless, finally arrives on May 16, 2022. I say “finally” because it’s taken eight years to write. For context, here are some differences between then and now:

  • No one had yet heard of the phrase “social distancing.”
  • Tom Brady only had three Super Bowl titles.
  • “TiK ToK” was a song by Ke$ha, not a social media platform.

So, in the spirit of the classic writing advice article, here are some tips on taking forever to write your book. Take it from someone who knows.

Tip 1: Play Video Games

I recommend Pokémon or Magic: The Gathering. The latter is technically a card game, but when you play primarily on your phone or laptop, it might as well be a video game. You’ll write far less, but you’ll be rich in digital currency.

Of course, it could be worse. In high school, for example, I’d stay up until three in the morning playing Rock Band 2. I went multiplatinum and was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, yes. But I really should’ve been writing.

Tip 2: Have a Baby

Babies are an excellent way to delay books. I mean, they’re adorable, lovable, and infinitely amazing—but they take a lot of work. Enough so that while you’re raising your child, other people are writing books about how you should be raising your child.

FYI, my daughter Sasha was born last fall, so that’s how I know this. So if you’re thinking of taking forever to write your book, try having a baby. You’ll have less writing time, but you’ll have something much better.

Tip 3: Rewrite Your Book Several Times

If you’re dissatisfied with your book, rewrite it. If you still don’t like it, rewrite it again. If you still don’t dig it, keep rewriting it until you’re happy with it. When will that be? Hah. Good question.

I did one big rewrite of Eggs for the Ageless. Though that might not sound horrible, it meant scrapping 300 typed pages for 500 typed pages, without a single sentence in common between the two. Time consuming? Yes. But it was also essential. This was the first manuscript I’d ever completed, so I had no idea what I was doing.

First off, my protagonist was a complete schlub. His name was Bart and, like my current protagonist, Egg, he wrote a book that accidentally became a religion. Problem was, Bart was whiney, aimless, and ultimately uninteresting. During the story’s climax, for example, he cracked some mediocre jokes and did little else. Furthermore, Bart’s desires were never clear. I gave him a half-assed romance plot, but it never connected to the central conflict. So, when I rewrote the book, I knew I needed a better protagonist.

I’m thrilled to say I found that protagonist in Egg. Her main goal is reconciliation with her hyper-religious mother, which symbolizes the novel’s greater conflict. It all works far better, thanks to Egg. (RIP Bart.)

So, if you’re finishing your book too fast, consider rewriting it oodles of times.

Tip 4: Work on Other Books

I was excellent at this one. After completing the first draft of Eggs for the Ageless in the summer of 2014 (at that time I called it The Gods or Dear Gods…Why Aren’t You Listening?), I embarked on other writing journeys. A brief list:

  • Who the Hell is Julian Strange?, which would later become my first novel, Gerald Barkley Rocks
  • A book with five characters in three parts, with each part set a decade apart, which will actually be releasing next year
  • Monsters of Dusk, a short fiction collection that was recently named a finalist for The Wishing Shelf Awards
  • A National Novel Writing Month project called Upstate and a While Back
  • An unfinished manuscript about a futuristic haunted house in which a monster runs loose

Now that’s a lot of distractions. I mean, I’m glad I wrote them (aside from the haunted house one), but they did delay the release of this work.

Tip 5: Procrastinate

This is a tried and true classic method—just ask any writer. Whether it’s Tweeting, playing with the dog, or diving down a Wikipedia rabbit hole, there’s no better way to take eight years to finished a book. Take it from someone who knows.

But no matter how long it took to write Eggs for the Ageless, it’s finally arriving on May 16, 2022. You can buy it directly from this website, or anywhere else books are sold. Hope you enjoy it!

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

My Most Embarrassing Writing Fails

January 26, 2022 /

Bad Writing

My grandparents on my dad’s side were famous for never wasting anything. This is not a statement of hyperbole.

For instance, instead of killing dandelions in her yard, my grandmother served them as salad toppers. Also, my grandfather once removed every rusty nail from every board of a dismantled shed, then stored the nails in buckets in the basement for future use.

See? Nothing wasted.

I take after them in this respect, though my waste refusal has nothing to do with dandelions or rusty nails. Mine is all about writing.

I can’t discard my writing. No matter how bad it is, no matter how unreadable, I can’t write anything without using it somehow. So, this blog post is all about my lousiest work. I could (probably should) throw it out, but instead I’m sharing it with you. Hope you get a kick out of it—and maybe a few helpful tips along the way.

Pages of the Mirror

This pretentiously artsy script was my senior thesis project at Ithaca College in 2014. This was back when I feared nobody would take me seriously if I wrote comedy, so the resulting piece is emo, dull, and ultimately lousy.

Pages of the Mirror is about some dude named Danny who lives in a small town and is beloved by everyone, for some reason. When his equally beloved Uncle Jack (car mechanic with tattoos who listens to Metallica, of course) gets murdered, Danny becomes the prime suspect.

Plus, there’s an intertwined story of a mysterious fellow mysteriously named “The Writer” who’s working on a mysterious book and who continues to be generally mysterious, because I decided all this mystery would be intriguing. We soon discover this is a story within a story; the Writer is writing about Danny.

At the time, I thought this was clever. Looking back, the connection between the two stories was probably immediately obvious. Plus, it’s a classically egomaniacal story for a writer to write. (What if my writing became so good it came to life!?) I recall pulling an all-nighter the night before it was due, which is probably why I only got a B. But look at me now—I got blog content out of it.

My takeaway from this project: When you’re developing your voice, you might strike a few sour notes. Just clear your throat and keep singing.

“Apocalypse Now…or Never”

It’s hard to believe, but I’ve been writing on this here blog now for 10 years. If you explore my archives, you’ll find some bad writing. Perhaps the worst was my first ever blog post, entitled “Apocalypse Now…or Never.”

The title isn’t terrible; it’s the rest that’s ugly. Just check out this leadoff sentence:

“I’m having a hard time buying this ‘2012: World is Going to End’ crap.”

I wrote this sentence when I was 19, yet it makes me sound like I’m 60. Also, I’m pretty sure the punctuation is incorrect.

Things don’t improve from there. My intro paragraph is a block of text, and I somehow venture into a rant about Ozzy Osbourne possibly being a zombie. I don’t even address my anti-apocalypse stance until paragraph eight, and when I finally get to it, I use a funfetti cake as a metaphor.

If you want to read just how bad this blog post was, you can find it here. My takeaway: Writing gets better with age. I’m not some premier blogger, but this blog is certainly better than it was a decade ago. Second takeaway: I was right about the world not ending in 2012. Yay me.

Pleasant Street

This is another college project, though Pleasant Street was a short story, not a script. It’s so bad that I’ve actually written about it before. Not sure this is something I should brag about, but here goes…

This story has it all: A doofus protagonist, heavy-handed symbolism, clumsy language, geriatric cannibals. What more could you ask for?

Well, if you’re asking for competent plotting, compelling characters, or an interesting setting, look elsewhere. Pleasant Street is about a first-time cop named Officer Green (I warned you about the heavy-handedness) who’s assigned to walk the beat in a neighborhood called Pleasant Street. See? Because it’s called Pleasant Street, you’d never expect anything bad might happen. Brilliant misdirection.

As it happens, the residents of Pleasant Street have achieved eternal life via cannibalism. (I partially lifted this idea from an episode of The X-Files, so my apologies to Mulder and Scully.) Rather predictably, the story concludes with the main character being cooked and eaten. I would’ve offered a spoiler warning, but no one will ever read this story again—I’ve made sure of it.

As for the grade on this assignment, I don’t recall it. Perhaps my mind is repressing it to defend me. But here’s what I do remember: I never collected feedback on this piece. If I did, maybe someone might’ve told me it needed work. So that’s our takeaway for this story. Get feedback from people you trust, then use it if it works.

“10 Bold Predictions for the Future of Magic: The Gathering”

Yes, I know most readers will not care about Magic, let alone understand it. If you were to browse this article, you’d find such esoteric phrases as “enemy fetch lands,” “two-block paradigm,” and “Kaseto comes along in the new Commander product.”

However, I’m including this article because of my low success rate on these so-called bold predictions. To be clear, the writing is actually passable; I had some decent wisecracks, including a dig at Jar-Jar Binks (timeless). The issue is, I only got five of my 10 predictions right!

I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just say this: We must deliver on our promises to our readers—especially when the promise is right in the title.

“Someday”

I’ve saved the worst for last. You think my poetry is bad now? Just check out this poem from May 5th, 2011, for a creative writing class at Ithaca College.

“Someday soon,
We’ll touch the moon.
Ride the stars to the sun.
Someday soon,
We will commune.
And then we shall be one.”

This is weird pseudo-hippy crap that sounds like something you’d cringe at if you heard someone singing it with an acoustic on the campus quad. And it’s only an excerpt! I feel like I should apologize to you for forcing you to read it. I’m sorry.

The lesson learned here is clear: Don’t F with poetry. Bad poetry is more offensive than bad prose. My poetry is still pretty bad, but at least I’m reading and studying the craft before I write more. And I’m definitely not trying to rhyme.

Summing It All Up

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again here: I think it’s healthy to review your old work, no matter how nauseated it makes you feel. I may not be a great writer, but at least I’m better than I used to be. And sometimes, that reminder is all we need.

(P.S. I hope I made my grandparents proud. Waste not, want not!)

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Some Things I Learned on My Tour Through Westeros

November 17, 2021 /

Westeros Header

I recently re-read the entirety of George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire.

…Do you still say “re-read” if you listened on audiobook? We’ll pretend the answer’s yes. Shoutout to late great narrator Roy Dotrice.

Anyhoo, now that I’m back from my tour, I thought I’d share some words of wisdom for those planning a similar visit. Consider this a long-form TripAdvisor review, only with fewer typos (hopefully).

People are super judgmental about parentage

In Westeros, if both your parents aren’t members of the one percent, odds are someone will call you “lowborn.” And if mom and dad weren’t married at the time of your birth, you might even be labeled “bastard,” which is only marginally better than, say, “accident.”

Seriously, people sling birth-related insults like mashed potatoes in a cafeteria food fight. Just ask Jon Snow, Mya Stone, or Gendry what’s-his-name. There’s even a guy named “The Bastard of Godsgrace,” if I remember correctly, which somehow stings even worse. I mean, if I was called the Bastard of Albany, I’d be bummed.

If you receive a wedding invitation, check the “Respectfully Decline” box

I’ve been to three weddings this year and the body count remains at zero (as far as I know). If this was Westeros, I wouldn’t even be alive to write this article. And if you think Westerosi weddings are dangerous, try a Dothraki ceremony. In the words of Illyrio Mopatis:

“A Dothraki wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair.”

If you must attend a wedding, arrive armed and don’t touch the food. And if the DJ starts playing “The Rains of Castamere”—yes, even the remix—run.

Imposters are everywhere

John the Fiddler, Jon Snow, Gryff, Young Gryff, Alayne Stone. Whenever you meet someone in Westeros, I suggest doing a background check, post haste.

George R.R. Martin is more sex crazed than a 14-year-old

Seriously, the guy can’t go five paragraphs without mentioning boobs, brothels, or some variation of the word “fuck.” No wonder HBO wanted the series adaptation.

Don’t be a peasant, because you’ll probably be murdered

Also, people will call you “smallfolk,” which is insulting.

…But don’t be a noble, either

You’ll probably get assassinated by your most ruthless rival, at which point they’ll claim your lands, income, castle, and underwear (presumably).

The safest approach is to become a middle-class working joe. Not that Westeros has a middle class, mind you.

Anyway, whatever your job is, it’s going to be horrible

Whether it’s the lifetime vow of celibacy for the Kingsguard or the lousy food of the Night’s Watch, every job in Westeros is kinda unappealing. Some other examples:

  • Hedge Knight: This is like being a freelance writer, in that you’ll take any project, so long as somebody pays you—which is never much, by the way. But at least you’re not sleeping under a hedge. Unless you really are sleeping under a hedge, in which case, you should’ve read the job description closer.
  • Septa/Septon: Meh, this job seems kinda boring—unless you’re the septa shouting, “Shame!” during Cercei’s penitence walk.
  • Maester: This looks like a desirable profession at first glance, since you just read books and offer unsolicited advice. However, several Maesters have met nasty ends, i.e. Luwin and Kerwin. Plus, Lady Barbrey Dustin made unflattering observations about them: “Isn’t it clever how the maesters go only by one name, even those who had two when they first arrived at the Citadel? That way we cannot know who they truly are or where they come from.” Alright, fine, I suppose that is a little sus. I’m out.
  • Whore: No thank you.
  • Hand of the King: Similar to the Vice President, minus the potential for biopics. Plus, the last few Hands have gotten caught in the proverbial wood chipper. A brief list:
    • Jon Arryn: Poisoned by his psycho wife.
    • Ned Stark: Imprisoned, framed, and beheaded.
    • Tyrion Lannister: Nearly decapitated in a botched assassination attempt, then subsequently fired. Technically acting Hand of the King at the time, but still…
    • Tywin Lannister: Shot in the bowels by his son whilst pooping.
    • Harys Swyft: I don’t remember this guy and I’m sure you don’t either.
    • Orton Merryweather: Hired because his wife was frienemies with the Queen Regent.
    • Mace Tyrell: Hired to forestall the end of a hopelessly fraying alliance. Also a doofus.

I’d rather work in customer service than any of these jobs, which is really saying something.

Keep a dream journal

This is a must since dreams are so often prophetic. Sure, you’ll stress over portents and symbols and whatnot, but you’ll have an advantage over those who don’t bother. Take this dream from The Ghost of High Heart as an example:

“I dreamt a wolf howling in the rain, but no one heard his grief. I dreamt such a clangor I thought my head might burst, drums and horns and pipes and screams, but the saddest sound was the little bells.”

Though she never made it to the show, she totally dreamt of the Red Wedding before it happened. Alas, nobody in Westeros enjoys Freudian dream interpretation.

At least the food’s good

They may not have GrubHub in Westeros, but who needs it when you’ve got options like this?

“They began with a broth of crab and monkfish, and cold egg lime soup as well. Then came quails in honey, a saddle of lamb, goose livers drowned in wine, buttered parsnips, and suckling pig.”

“There were loaves of crusty bread still warm from the ovens, crocks of fresh-churned butter, honey from the septry’s hives, and a thick stew of crabs, mussels, and at least three different kinds of fish.”

“They started with a creamy chestnut soup, crusty hot bread, and greens dressed with apples and pine nuts. Then came lamprey pie, honeyed ham, buttered carrots, white beans and bacon, and roast swan stuffed with mushrooms and oysters.”

Fortunately, they don’t have Tapas restaurants. Now please excuse me while I go raid my pantry.

In Conclusion

I hope these notes have enlightened you regarding Westerosi culture. If not, I wouldn’t recommend traveling there anytime soon.

…Unless you’re arriving via book, that is. In that case, visit as often as you like. I know I will.

Kyle A. Massa is a fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Thanks to this Gizmodo article for collecting the meal descriptions.

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