Tag: halloween

The World Without Halloween

Halloween

This article might be controversial. After all, Halloween is a beloved holiday. In fact, in terms of belovedness, it’s right up there with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and International Juggling Day. Maybe not that last one.

But hey, this series is often about appreciating subjects through their hypothetical absence. So let’s start appreciating. In a world without Halloween…

…Michael Myers Would Actually, Really, Seriously Be Dead

Because he’d never exist. Get it?

For the record, I wouldn’t mourn. Though most regard John Carpenter’s 1978 slasher film Halloween as an all-time classic, I think it’s overrated. I recognize everything it did for the genre, but I find it tiresome when Mikey survives for, like, the 13th time.

Speaking of 13, that’s how many Halloween films exist. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve only seen the original, so I can’t vouch for the rest, yet something tells me Rob Zombie shouldn’t be making movies. That said, his and all the Halloween movies are undeniably lucrative; they’ve grossed a collective $885,966,037 worldwide, according to Wikipedia.

Imagine what filmgoers might’ve spent all that money on instead. Probably a different holiday-themed horror franchise, like an ornery cyclist who runs people off the road to their dooms on National Bicycle Day (Google assures me this is an actual day). I’d call it Cycle of Violence. Hey, did I just become a multi-million dollar movie executive?

…Trick-or-Treating Wouldn’t Be a Thing

This would be a massive blow to the Candy Industrial Complex, which invented Halloween just to clear their back stock of Baby Ruths. But won’t someone please think of the children? They are the ones who would suffer most. For kids, Halloween ranks higher on the grand fun meter than Paw Patrol, bounce houses, and TikTok.

…Well, maybe not TikTok. But if it does, that’s really saying something.

…No More Costumes, Either

Everybody loves dressing up for Halloween. Except me.

One year, for example, my mom spent hours doing my Count Dracula makeup. She’s a painter, by the way, so it was excellent. However, I took one look at myself in the mirror and became terrified of my reflection (ironic, considering I was a vampire). My poor mom watched as all her hard work went down the drain—literally. Ever since, I’ve been a curmudgeon with costumes. Sorry, Mom.

However, I believe I’m in the minority on that. Many people enjoy donning their Halloween costumes, including NFL fans attending games on or near our titular holiday. I once spotted a man in the stands wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey overtop a Minion costume jeering at Kirk Cousins while drinking a Pabst. It was quite the sight.

…There Would Be No Controversies Over Halloween Candy

Might not be a bad thing, considering these are some of our dumbest controversies. Every year, people earnestly argue that candy corn is a quality candy, or isn’t, then get outraged by the response. This is about as productive as pounding one’s head against a door—and likely has a similar effect on the brain. That said, I just poked fun at Baby Ruths a few paragraphs back, so I’m part of the problem.

…Horror Movies Would Diminish in Popularity (Slightly)

We all know half the fun of Halloween is watching scary movies with loved ones (or, if you happen to be crowded into a theater with noisy strangers, hated ones).

To be clear, horror movies are eternal, and I would never suggest that killing Halloween would kill their popularity. But there’s no doubt this would reduce it, at least a little. After all, what other time of year would horror movie viewership peak? Spring? Too hopeful. Winter? Too Christmas-y. Summer? Too packed with Marvel movies. Halloween, and fall in general, is just right.

…The Dark Knight Wouldn’t Exist

At least not in its current form. That’s because the film’s plot was inspired by Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeph Loeb & Tim Sale, a graphic novel that features a killer who murders on holidays, starting with—you guessed it—Halloween.

Without Halloween there’s no comic, and without the comic there’s no inspiration, meaning Christopher Nolan and co. would have to look elsewhere for ideas, perhaps returning to the campiness of the Adam West Batman. Somehow, I don’t think Shark Repellent Bat Spray jives with, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

Furthermore, speaking from personal experience, losing this film would be a tremendous blow, not least of all because I saw it four times in theaters. Being a high school sophomore at the time, I was convinced it was the greatest movie ever made by anyone, ever. I’ve since decided that distinction belongs to Troll 2, but Dark Knight is still in my top 10.

…Your Neighbors Would Have More Lawn Space

This one is self-explanatory.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Happy Halloween! Hope you enjoy all that candy corn.


Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include five books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

3 Ways to Scare the Pants Off Your Readers

Wait, no, keep your pants on. I’m only being figurative.

Happy Halloween to you, reader! If you like the frightening, the demonic, the monstrous, or the sugary, today is your day. That goes double if you’re into horror fiction. And maybe triple if you write it.

So, as a horror writer, how can you scare the pants off your readers (again, figuratively)? It’ll take more than just ghouls and guts. In this post, we’ll cover three classic writing techniques from famous horror writers. And…go!

Hinting at Future Tragedy

Warning your readers about looming danger creates a nice sense of dread. It’s the literary equivalent of the murderer sneaking up behind the lead character in a movie: You can see it coming, but you can’t stop it. 

For an example, look no further than the modern master of horror himself, Stephen King. In his 1983 novel Pet Sematary, King explores the cost of death—and life. When the Creeds move into a new home in Maine, they find an ancient burial ground that magically resurrects the dead.

In this novel, there’s a particularly sweet (and later tragic) scene in which the main character, Louis Creed, flies a kite with his son, Gage. Here’s an excerpt:

“I love you, Gage,” [Louis] said—it was between the two of them, and that was all right.

And Gage, who now had less than two months to live, laughed shrilly and joyously. “Kite flyne! Kite flyne, Daddy!

There it is. Gage only has two months to live. Here we get a sense of tragedy. This poor little kid is going to die! In addition, the hint establishes that dread I mentioned earlier. We know that Gage will die, so for the next few chapters, we fear that moment. We know it’s going to be bad. We know it’s going to be horrifying. Yet it’s going to happen no matter what.

Inverting Natural Rules

Forget about flying—pigs shouldn’t be able to talk. Yet a pig talks in Clive Barker’s short story Pig Blood BluesAnd it’s nothing like Babe: Pig in the City. Check it out:

[The pig] watched them through the slats of the gate, her eyes glinting like jewels in the murky night, brighter than the night because living, purer than the night because wanting.

The boys knelt at the gate, their heads bowed in supplication, the plate they both held lightly covered with a piece of stained muslin.

‘Well?’ she said. The voice was unmistakable in their ears. His voice, out of the mouth of the pig.

“His voice” is the voice of a character named Henessey who hung himself and was subsequently eaten by the pig. Yummy.

Why is this so disturbing? Well, for one, because it’s impossible. In both horror and fantasy fiction, the impossible happens. The key difference, I think, is exactly what impossible things happen. In fantasy, the impossible inspires awe or wonder. Think Rivendell in The Lord of the Rings or Quidditch in Harry Potter. By contrast, the impossible in horror inspires fear and shock. Think the Monster in Frankenstein or Dracula in Dracula.

This is what we see in Pig Blood Blues. It’s horrifying to think that a pig might eat a corpse. It’s even more horrifying to think that the pig might then be possessed by the spirit of the boy it ate.

Turning Narrators Insane

The crazy first-person narrator is a hallmark of horror fiction. Just take the work of H.P. Lovecraft. He often wrote in the first person, and many of his stories end with narrators claiming that they aren’t insane (even when they are). Take his short story “The Rats in the Walls” as an example. Here are the closing lines:

When I speak of poor Norrys they accuse me of a hideous thing, but they must know that I did not do it. They must know it was the rats; the slithering, scurrying rats whose scampering will never let me sleep; the daemon rats that race behind the padding in this room and beckon me down to greater horrors than I have ever known; the rats they can never hear; the rats, the rats in the walls.

For context, the narrator ate Norrys. Yeah, like Hannibal Lector.

The horror here is the fragility of the human mind. At the beginning of the story, our narrator is clearly sane. He seems confident, intelligent, and refined. Yet when he sees what lies beneath his family’s ancestral home, it drives him mad. That’s all it takes. The line between sanity and madness is thin. There’s nothing like a first-person narrator to illustrate this idea.

Happy Halloween!

Okay writers. We’ve learned some scare tactics from the best in the genre. Now let’s go scare our readers!


Kyle A. Massa is a speculative fiction author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife and their two cats. His stories have appeared in numerous online magazines, including Allegory, Chantwood, and Dark Fire Fiction.

Wonderland is a Shade of White

You hear a noise in the night.

You toss back the sheets and swing your legs over the bed’s edge. You creep out into the dark. Your husband doesn’t seem to hear—not surprising. He doesn’t hear anything when he’s asleep, not the baby crying or the sink dripping water or the muffled sounds you sometimes hear when you’re lying awake in bed. Crying—that’s what it sounds like.

The moon lights your way. It peeks in at you through the parallel windows near the door. You’ve always loved the moon, the night. You love the soft pallet of cool colors, the blues and purples and blacks created by the darkness.

There’s a painting on the wall near the basement door: an image of a house in the woods at night. It’s your house, the one you’re in now. It might be the best painting you’ve ever done.

You peer at your painting, your house, and you notice something that you hadn’t before. There’s a person in the frame. A man standing under the eave of the roof, his face obscured by shadow.

Odd. You don’t remember painting that.

The man turns to stare at you. You admire the way his face is shaded, the perspective of his hand as it reaches out. He looks quite lifelike. You’ve always struggled with the human form—whoever did this man did a fantastic job.

Of course, you’re dreaming. You must be. Paintings only move in dreams.

Yes, you must be dreaming, because the man reaches through the frame, and he touches you. His fingers are moist slugs against your skin.

You scream, and when you do, your husband asks you to stop screaming, he’s trying to sleep.

Your eyes snap open. Here you are, back in bed next to your husband. Turns out he does wake up—you just have to shriek really loudly. He reiterates the fact that he’s trying to sleep. And then he rolls over.

You lie awake. You stare at the white ceiling. You promise yourself that it was just a dream. Paintings don’t move in real life, after all.

Then why are there paint smudges on your arm, right where the man from your dream touched you?

#

Hours pass, and you’re still staring at the ceiling. The white ceiling. You remember choosing that shade of white for the master bedroom, though you can’t remember the name. Something like a fairy tale, maybe?

You hear the baby crying in the other room. You’re not surprised. You’re also not surprised that your husband is still snoring loudly beside you, oblivious. Of course, of course.

You walk into the baby’s room, just one door down from yours. You pick her up and hold her and she stops crying immediately. You’re thankful for that—for a pair of nascent lungs, hers are powerful.

You take her downstairs and you feed her. And finally, an hour or so later, your husband wakes up and joins you. He asks you how you slept. That’s when you remember your strange dream.

You tell him about it. He listens to you. He says it probably means you have repressed rage or something, then heads upstairs to get dressed for work.

On a whim, you glance at your painting, the one near the basement door. It looks just the way you remember it looking—dark shading, smoke rising from the chimney, silver moon peering over an intricate tree line.

But no man. No hand reaching out of the frame.

It makes you feel a bit silly for thinking, even for a moment, that your dream might’ve been real. You’ve had nightmares before, many of them, but you’ve never had one quite so vivid as last night’s. Like dreaming in living color, some might say.

Frightening, certainly. But not real.

The baby is crying again. Your husband shouts this down to you from upstairs, as if you hadn’t noticed.

You wash your hands. And when you hold them under the hot, steaming water, something drips off into the basin. It looks like paint. But you haven’t been painting.

It’s strange and a little disconcerting that the paint washing off your hands, the paint you don’t remember painting with, is the same color as your skin.

#

You go through the day without looking at your painting. You avoid it the way you might avoid making eye contact with someone you have a history with. Still, you feel a gaze on your back, as though it’s looking at you. You can’t explain why you feel this way.

Your husband goes off to work. You don’t see him again for the rest of the day and most of the night. When he comes home, finally, he smells strange. Almost like paint.

The baby cries and cries all day, and she won’t stop unless you hold her. You just want the poor kid to be happy, for once.

Some time that night, you finally dare to look at the painting of your house. Again, there’s something there you don’t remember adding. Through the window in the lower half of the house, you have a clear view of the basement door and the wall beside it.

That wall should be blank—you did not paint anything on it—but now there’s a picture there. You look at the picture, you get as close as you can. It’s so small. You can’t be sure, but it almost looks like the painting within your painting is a painting of a house.

You drag your husband over to it and you ask him if he notices anything different about it. He looks at it for about a second, says he likes it, then pulls out his phone. You tell him to put his god damn phone away and look at it, really. He does, he looks at the image for about five seconds this time, and he informs you that it’s great. He likes the shading. The tree detail.

You ask him what he means by that, by the detail. He says he doesn’t know, he just likes it. And please, he asks you not to bother him, he has emails to get to. When he leaves the room, the baby starts to cry again. And your husband informs you that the baby’s crying.

#

That night, you can’t fall asleep. It’s silent for now, no dripping faucet, no baby crying, no unexplained sobbing from downstairs. Yet your mind clings to the painting.

Why do your thoughts always drift back there? Why can’t you force it from your mind? You peel back the sheets and walk downstairs.

The painting is right where you left it. It’s funny—you know it’s just watercolor on canvas, you did it yourself. Then why does it look so much like a photograph now?

Through the lower window of the house, you see a figure leaning over to look at the painting near the basement door. A man. He turns.

This is another dream, clearly. Figures in paintings don’t move. The man in your painting, though, he moves. He steps out of the house, through the front door.

The painting makes a sound, you realize. Crying, it’s crying. It sounds like the baby, yet it’s not your baby. It’s coming from the painting itself.

You feel something dribbling out of your nose. You reach up to touch it; it’s thick and oily. You think it’s blood at first, but blood isn’t white. Blood doesn’t smell metallic.

You look down at your hands and they look indistinct. The edges, which should be sharp and defined, are instead fuzzy. Like careless brushstrokes.

Meanwhile, your painting looks so real, so vivid, so lifelike. It looks real as the paint that oozes from your nose, your eyes, your ears, the paint that coats your lungs and your body and your thoughts, and you try to scream, but all that comes up is a mushy wet gurgle from your throat. And the man emerging from your painting, he whispers your name.

#

You wake up and stare at the ceiling of your bedroom. Paint, there’s paint on the ceiling. You remember its name now: Wonderland. Isn’t that pretty?

###

© Kyle A. Massa, 2017. All rights reserved. No part of this short story may be duplicated or distributed in any form or by any means without expressed written consent from the author.

If you’d like to read more of my fiction, you can find it here.

The Commander’s First Halloween

Earth Western Hemisphere

Incident Report A7115Z7: Unauthorized Landing on Surface of Planet Earth.

Interrogation Conducted by Interview Droid 19-00V (hereafter referred to as “Interviewer”).

Subject of Interrogation: Galactic Exploration Commander Braxus (hereafter referred to as “Braxus”), accused of exiting craft without orders or proper precautions.

Transcript of Interrogation follows:


Interviewer: Please start from the beginning, Commander.

Braxus: Can I just ask a quick question? Have you even considered another line of work? Interrogation seems like it could get terribly boring after a while.

Interviewer: From the beginning, Commander.

Braxus: Sure. Mom met dad in subspace, just outside the atmosphere of the planet Orlon. They were both a little tipsy, as they say on Earth, one thing led to another, and a while later, I popped into existence.

Interviewer: Perhaps you misunderstood. By “beginning,” I was referring to the beginning of the mission in question, and the subsequent incident report filed by your Second.

Braxus: I was making a joke.

Interviewer: Please refrain from creating any additional “jokes.” It distracts from the issue at hand.

Braxus: Okee-doke.

Interviewer: Error. Term “Okee-doke” does not match existing vocabulary file.

Braxus: It’s slang, chief.

Interviewer: Error. Term “slang” and term “chief” do not–

Braxus: Okay. Thanks. Got it. Xaris and I left Homebase about twenty five planetary revolutions ago.

Interviewer: For purposes of the records, please state your relation to this Xaris.

Braxus: Xaris is my Second. And also a prick.

Interviewer: Error.

Braxus: Forget what I said earlier. You’re perfect for this job.

Interviewer: What was the purpose of your mission?

Braxus: Same as always. Monitor the planet. Take notes on sentient life. See how they interact. Abductions optional, but always fun. You should try it sometime.

Interviewer: What sort of observations, if any, did you make during this mission?

Braxus: Humans are fun. And my species is not.

Interviewer: I detect negativity in that statement. Confirm or deny.

Braxus: Objection. I protest this line of questioning. You’re badgering the witness.

Interviewer: Error.

Braxus: That’s from Law & Order. The one with Sam Waterston.

Interviewer: Error.

Braxus: Me and Xaris get within about twenty broxtoids of the atmosphere and then I see our thrusters are running on zilch. Xaris didn’t check ’em before we left. We had no choice but to land.

Interviewer: That’s not what Xaris testified. Xaris testified that the ship’s fuels were in perfect condition. He testified that you pretended that the ship was out of fuel, despite the simple fact that it was not. The ship’s auditory record corroborates this conversation, Captain. I can play it back for you, if you’d like–

Braxus: That snargenite.

Interviewer: There’s no need for profanity.

Braxus: Fine. I wanted to land there, alright? It was an unauthorized scouting mission. There. I said it. But it was Halloween, man. Halloween. I know I’ll get an error with that one.

Interviewer: Error.

Barxus: See, this is why I hate this planet. There’s no Halloween, and nobody here has any fun. All we do is explore galaxy after galaxy, create new worlds, new lifeforms, test them, then destroy them, then do it all again. Do you even know what the phrase “Trick or Treat” means?

Interviewer: I am the interviewer here, Captain. I am the one who is asking the questions. What did you do when you landed?

Braxus: I got out of the ship.

Interviewer:

Braxus:

Interviewer: You realize, Captain, that exiting a craft on a foreign planet is an intergalactic offense. Did you at least have your cloaking device active?

Braxus: Nope. Didn’t need it.

Interviewer:

Braxus: You alright there, chief?

Interviewer: I must say, Captain Braxus. This is serious. Very serious. You may never be granted leave of this planet again.

Braxus: But it was Halloween over there–the greatest day on Earth. You get to pretend to be anybody, and nobody makes fun of you or thinks you’re a weirdo. And there’s candy, too. You ever had candy? They hand it out like candy on Halloween. They’re all so friendly. Do you know what they said to me when they saw me for the first time?

Interviewer: What did they say?

Braxus: They said, “Sweet alien costume, bro.” And then they invited me to their party.

Interviewer: I request that you cut down on the Earth jargon, Captain. I cannot understand it.

Braxus: There’s no translation for the word “party” in our language. It’s like a gathering where friends come together and just…I don’t know, hang out with each other for a while.

Interviewer: That sounds dreadful.

Braxus: It was awesome, chief. I played flip cup with Hilary Clinton. Well, a gal dressed as Hilary Clinton, but still. I got invited to play shortstop on a dude’s over fifty softball team. Why don’t we have softball on this planet?

Interview: Error–

Braxus: And what about this? Instead of talking to me face to face, my superiors send you here to take my testimony. A robot.

Interviewer: This is what I was built for, Captain. This is my purpose.

Braxus: How do you know that, hmm? How do you know your purpose isn’t to build your own robot kid, or write a song, or go to a Halloween party with some humans? How do you know what your purpose is?

Interviewer: Interrogation is the reason I was created.

Braxus: Sure. Maybe that was their reason for putting you here. But let me ask you this, chief: what’s your reason for being here?

Interviewer:

Braxus:

Interviewer:

Braxus: Dr. Phil would be proud of me.

Interviewer: I must organize my thoughts. Brief break requested.

Transcript interrupted here. Resumed after short delay.

Braxus: You good?

Interviewer:

Braxus:

Interviewer: Where did you learn to speak like that? Where did you learn about “chief” and “Law & Order” and this doctor named Phil?

Braxus: From them. I’ve been scouting them for decades. Longest tenured son of a bitch on the team is me. I’ve been watching, and I’ve been learning. And I love them. Humans. They’re incredible.

Interviewer: I’ve never been outside this compound.

Braxus: That’s sad, chief. Sad is this emotion humans get when they do something bad, or they feel bad for somebody, or something sad happens. Or their favorite TV show ends.

Interviewer: But…but you’ve committed a crime, Captain Braxus. You’ve broken the law. You must be punished.

Braxus: If that’s what you think, I won’t fight you. Truth is, though, my ship isn’t too far from here. And the best part about Halloween is, there’s always another one next year.

Interviewer: Another?

Braxus: Uh-huh. And you know how far Earth is from here, traveling at a nice, brisk pace?

Interviewer: How far?

Braxus: Little less than twelve months flight time, as the humans would count it. Which means if we leave now, we can make it for next year’s Halloween.

Another long pause in the recording here. Suggest clipping for purposes of evidence submission.

Interviewer: What should I wear?

 

 

 

© Kyle A. Massa, 2015. All rights reserved. No part of this short story may be duplicated or distributed in any form or by any means without expressed written consent from the author.

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