Category: Sports (Page 1 of 2)

You Can’t Go Lower Than Rock Bottom (Or Can You?): A Preview of the 2025 New York Giants Season

September 6, 2025 /

A football beneath a heading reading "please don't stink."

Hello. This is Kyle. I’m writing you from a time long past: January 5, 2025, to be exact.

The New York Giants are playing the Philadelphia Eagles, but I’m not watching them. I can’t—spiritually and literally. Unlike most other Giants games, this isn’t being broadcast to the Albany area.

I have to assume this isn’t just a local blackout. It’s national. Maybe even worldwide. This Giants season has gotten so putrid I must assume the FDA has forbade its recording, for the betterment of the public good.

I’m thankful. This season has been an abomination, and I’ve tortured myself far too long. I’m just glad it’s over.

It’s been eight months since I mashed the above screed into my notes app, and in that time, like a rat eyeing the cheese in the trap, I’ve drawn ever closer to hopefulness. I know it’s dangerous, but it just smells so good…

The Records

Before we delve into the future, let’s get all nostalgic about last year’s historic run. I write “historic” because my Giants set all kinds of records, including the following:

  • The Giants were the first team to be eliminated from 2024 playoff contention. Nice!
  • In Week 2, they became the first team in 35 years to lose a game after scoring three touchdowns and allowing none. Amazing!
  • They went 11 straight games without intercepting a pass, which is an NFL record. Outstanding!
  • They narrowly avoided becoming the first team to ever lose nine home games in a single season, doing so by inexplicably pummeling the Colts when they really needed a loss to keep the No. 1 pick. Brilliant!
  • And just a reminder, since 2017, how many times have the Giants beaten the Cowboys? Oh yeah, once! Wowza!

Giants owner John Mara said it best after the season ended: “I’ve just about run out of patience.” My thoughts exactly, Mr. Mara, sir. Sometimes I wonder if I should convert to being a Jets fan, which is really saying something.

The Offseason

The best part of this offseason was that there weren’t cameras around to record the incompetence. General manager Joe Schoen (who I’ve renamed “Joe Shame” until further notice) did not exactly distinguish himself last year. You know, because he allowed the team’s only star to depart to an arch rival, where said star posted historic numbers and helped said arch rival win a Super Bowl.

(You’ll notice I’m not using any proper nouns here, and that’s intentional. It still hurts too much.)

If I must concede any bright spots from the offseason, I’ll admit this looks like another solid draft class. Abdul Carter is Micah Parsons minus the podcast, and Cam Skattebo is basically a War Boy from Mad Max. And then there’s Jaxson Dart, who has a mullet. He also played for Ole Miss, and fans will remember a certain Giants legend who played there, too: One Mr. Eli “Runs Like a Baby Elephant” Manning.

Will Dart save the season? Hopefully. Will his name produce annoying puns for the rest of his career? Definitely.

Look, it’s not much, but it’s something. There were a few months there where it looked like Aaron Rodgers might become the new QB, and if that happened, I would’ve boycotted the season.

The Schedule

…Is brutal, for some reason.

The reward for a crappy season is usually a crappy schedule, and yet the Giants somehow received a harder slate than any other team.

This reeks of conspiracy (and if the aforementioned Aaron Rodgers can float such theories, so can I). I mean, do we really know who designs NFL schedules? Who’s to say it’s not aliens who all happen to be bandwagon Eagles fans?

The Coaches

Speaking of aliens, I wouldn’t mind if they abducted certain personnel from this coaching staff, if only for a week or two. In the case of Brian Daboll, it might be for his own good, since he looked angry enough to give himself an aneurism on the sidelines last year.

Offensive coordinator Mike “Franz” Kafka returns as well, which is even more baffling than the schedule, since they’ve ranked 15th, 30th, and 31st in points scored since he took over. It’s gotten so bad I’m getting nostalgic for Jason “The Clapper” Garrett.

Still, it’s hard to get much worse than second-to-last, and with three somewhat viable options at quarterback, things should improve. Hopefully. Maybe.

The Take

On paper at least, the Giants have an improved QB room, a world-class pass rush, and some decent young fellas to build around. Furthermore, competition in their division is diminished, in my opinion. After all, the Eagles lost several defensive standouts in the offseason, the Commanders are ripe for regression, and the Cowboys are the Cowboys.

Yet this team has rewarded my faith with mediocrity far too often. Last year was an out-and-out dumpster fire, so a quick turnaround might be overly optimistic.

So I’ll strive for cautious optimism instead. Improvement, maybe. Maybe a .500 record. Maybe even a wild card playoff berth, why not?

Regardless of what happens tomorrow, I think the truest test comes in Week 2, when the Giants face the Cowboys in Dallas. If they win that game, I’ll believe. If they lose yet again, same old Giants.

It all kicks off tomorrow at 1pm eastern as the Giants face the Commanders. I hope they give me hope, because right now, I’m like Fox Mulder. I just want to believe.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include eight books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

A Requiem for Tommy D.

August 30, 2025 /

A photo of my beloved Tommy Cutlets t-shirt.

When Shakespeare wrote, “It is a tale told by an idiot…signifying nothing,” he was actually writing about the New York Giants.

The ’08 and ’12 Super Bowl runs of my youth are a fading memory. Since then, it’s been misery, frustration, and a whole lot of unintentional comedy. Speaking of which, enter Tommy DeVito.

Not to be confused with Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, this Tommy isn’t a mobster (as far as I’m aware). He is Italian, though. Very much so. If you weren’t tipped off by the surname, look no further than his touchdown celebration, an upturned pinched-fingers gesture with an accompanying bounce of the wrist that apparently won the 2023 Bud Light Celebration of the Year award, which feels right.

Yes, Tommy was pretty much a walking Italian-American stereotype. He was a Jersey native. He raved about his mother’s cooking. He still lived with his parents, despite being in his mid-20s and earning a six-figure salary. He even pitched this as a competitive advantage, saying, “I don’t have to worry about laundry, what I’m eating for dinner, chicken cutlets and all that is waiting for me when I get there. My mom still makes my bed. Everything is handled for me.”

I use the past tense here because Tommy DeVito is no longer employed by the New York Giants. He was cut yesterday, as I write this, and I’m devastated. I even wore my Tommy Cutlets novelty t-shirt two days in a row, in memoriam.

You must wonder why I miss Tommy so much. He was lousy in limited action last year, and although he galvanized the Giants the year prior, many argued that was detrimental to the team’s long-term plans, since they could’ve secured a better draft pick had they lost more games. Even when he was winning, analysts and podcasters remained dubious, if not downright disbelieving.

That’s because Tommy doesn’t compare favorably with other quarterbacks in the NFL. He has a relatively slight frame, along with below-average speed, accuracy, and arm strength. Stephen A. Smith even said that DeVito being the “high point” of the Giants’ ’23 season “tells you how bad they are as a team.”

Well, I must be part of the problem, because Tommy is my favorite Giant since Eli Manning. (That distinction used to belong to Saquon Barkley, but the second he signed with the Eagles, he was dead to me.)

The simple explanation is that Tommy is a meme on two legs, but I think there’s something deeper at work here. It’s not like I was the only one entertained by the guy’s antics; there were numerous articles written not only about Tommy, but about his beloved parents, and even his agent, who dresses like Frank Sinatra and appears to have made his own Wikipedia page. In short, people really enjoyed this Jersey guido. And I have a theory as to why.

When the average fan watches a quarterback like Josh Allen, I doubt they see much of themselves in him—physically, at least. Sure, Josh seems like a down-to-earth guy, but few sports fans are six-foot-five, weigh 240 pounds, sling a football 80 yards downfield, and can also truck NFL linebackers. “Freak” is often the descriptor attributed to Allen, a word defined by the New Oxford American Dictionary as a “person with unusual physical development.”

Tommy, on the other hand, isn’t all that unusual. At six-foot-two, he’s tall, but not freakishly so. He’s talented enough to make NFL rosters, but not quite good enough to keep a starting job.

This, I think, is the root of Tommy DeVito’s appeal (aside from his unabashed refusal to leave his parents’ home). He looks and acts like a more-or-less average person, give or take some quirks. He seems like somebody you could’ve gone to school with (and if you attended Syracuse University circa-2018, you actually did). For some viewers, he might not differ much from they themselves. I mean, I’m six-foot-two. I’m Italian-American. I don’t wear my initials on a gold chain around my neck, but you get my point. Tommy’s just a guy who succeeded, at least for a time, even when most thought he couldn’t.

We love sports for the outliers, yes. There’s no other person on the planet like Simone Biles, or Shohei Ohtani, or the aforementioned Josh Allen, or that hot-dog-gorging creature Joey Chestnut. But there are many people like Tommy DeVito, people who excel in the unlikeliest circumstances. And that’s why I’ll miss him.

Well, that and the merch. That was always fun.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include eight books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

A Little Better Than Bad: My 2024 New York Giants Season Preview

September 3, 2024 /

I tried watching Hard Knocks this year. I really did. But it became too depressing.

Welcome to my annual preview of the upcoming New York Giants football season, where I either grossly over- or underestimate just how competent they’ll be. And so, without further ado…

So Long, Saquon

The Giants’ most significant offseason change is running back Saquon Barkley’s departure. I wish I could call it a prudent cost-cutting maneuver, but when have sports fans ever rooted for prudence and/or cost-cutting?

Seemed more like hubris to me. The Giants didn’t think anyone would pay Saquon, yet someone did—an obnoxious, green, winged sort of someone whose name I will not utter here.

Losing Saquon was like having your best friend move away, only you find out he’s moving to Pennsylvania to join some schoolyard bullies, one of whom goes by the nom de plume “Big Dom,” and now your former best friend and his new bully pals beat the shit out of you twice a year, every year, all because Joe Schoen misread the market. What joy.

The New Guys

The Giants signed Devin “Motor” Singletary to replace Saquon. No offense to Devin, but that’s like replacing a Corvette with a Segway. Furthermore, it puts to the test my longstanding theory that guys with cool nicknames get overrated. Take Marquise “Hollywood” Brown, for instance, who’s posted only a single thousand-yard season in five years, yet now signs with the Super Bowl champs. Maybe if I had a better nickname, I’d be more successful, too. “Big Kyle,” perhaps?

The Giants also traded for Brian Burns and drafted Malik Nabers, which are far more impactful moves. Adding Burns to a defense that features Dexter Lawrence, Kayvon Thibodeaux, and Bobby Okereke gives us a formidable front. If new Defensive Coordinator Shane Bowen is any good, this could be the team’s strength.

As for Nabers, the hype is real. I’ve heard comparisons to Odell, which would be a welcome upgrade over the corpse of Darren Waller and the ghost of Kenny Golladay. Finding quarterback Daniel Jones a legitimate #1 option is long overdue. Which leads to my next topic…

Can We Trust Daniel Jones?

Probably not—though I’ve been wrong about him before. In 2021, I was out on Jones. In ’22, I was back in. In ’23, the Seattle Seahawks sacked him 10 times in one game, so I was, once again, out.

I’m still out. I think. On one hand, Jones plays best when expectations are lowest (see 2022). On the other, he threw three times more interceptions than touchdowns last season. Also, he injured his neck. Also, he tore his ACL. Also, his offensive line hasn’t improved much.

The good news is, we have Tommy DeVito.

Look, I’m Being Serious

Not to be confused with Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, Tommy DeVito is one of the Giants’ reserve quarterbacks. He’s also the only reason I had any fun watching the team last season. I mean, who else has an agent who cosplays as Frank Sinatra?

Still, I feel like I’m on DeVito Island here. He’s third on the depth chart behind Drew Locke, whose only claim to fame is being a slight improvement over Paxton Lynch. Look, DeVito might not be physically gifted, fundamentally sound, or domestically independent, but he’s got heart, baby, heart. Plus, the Giants played best with Tommy at quarterback, winning three straight, including a thrilling victory over the NFC runner-up Green Bay Packers.

Is Tommy DeVito the next Tom Brady? No. Is he Italian? Yes. Stereotypically so. And you know who else was? Rocky Balboa. And was he a champion? Yes, and also a movie star. So, for now at least, you can still find me chilling on DeVito Island.

My Prognostication

I think the Giants will play a smidge better than people anticipate. Yes, a metric smidge. FanDuel set their over/under at six-and-a-half, and I believe they’ll win seven. Maybe eight.

First, their defense looks formidable. Lawrence, Burns, Thibodeaux, and Ojulari should provide a ferocious pass rush upfront, and Jason Pinnock and Deonte Banks should offer solid backup in the secondary. The Giants have also enjoyed great luck with second-round safeties in years past (see Xavier McKinney and Landon Collins), so hopefully this year’s selection, Tyler Nubin, will continue the trend.

Second, I still believe in Brian Daboll. The beginning of last season was hideous, yes, but he salvaged six wins from a year riddled with injuries on both sides of the ball. Plus, they slaughtered those evil Eagles in Week 18, in a game necessary for seeding. Daboll won Coach of the Year for a reason, and I think he’ll remind everyone why this season.

Third, the division is diminished. The Commanders improved, but the Eagles have questions and the Cowboys have even more. Nobody ever wins the NFC East in consecutive seasons, so could this year be New York’s?

No

Like I said, I think they’ll have a slight, though not drastic, improvement. From there, maybe they can add a quarterback who doesn’t pass to his opponents more frequently than his teammates and/or doesn’t still live with his parents.

Until then, I’ll still be watching. Tune in with me on September 8 at 1pm, when the Giants will probably lose to Sam Darnold and the Minnesota Vikings. Can’t wait.

Kyle A. Massa is a comedy author of some sort living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include six books, along with several short stories, essays, and poems. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking cheap coffee.

A New Hope: My 2023 New York Giants Season Preview

September 10, 2023 /
New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones calls an audible at the line of scrimmage.

All-Pro Reels, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Football season is back, and this time, I promise not to be emo. Yes, if you joined me last September, you might’ve noticed a certain nihilism regarding my New York Giants.

…Not this year, baby. This year, we’ve got the Coach of the Year!

All Hail Brian Daboll

After suffering six seasons of being coached by an underachiever, a clown, and a man wielding a Denny’s menu, the Giants finally hired a legitimate head coach in Brian Daboll. I wish I could say I’d been a fan of the decision.

I wasn’t. In fact, before last season began, I described Daboll’s hiring as a “dubious offseason move.”

I’ve never been happier to be wrong. Though there were many reasons for the Giants 9-7-1 record, Daboll was the most impactful. Unlike his predecessors, his game management was excellent, his game plans were even better, and he maximized a below average roster. Which brings me to my next point.

A Not-Below-Average Roster

Yes, it’s improving. General Manager Joe Schoen and his staff were singing “Hello Goodbye” this offseason to the following players:

Goodbyes

  • Nick Gates signed with the Washington Commanders, for some reason.
  • Jon Feliciano joined the San Francisco 49ers, which seems like a good decision.
  • Richie James went to the Kansas City Chiefs, where he will now drop passes from Patrick Mahomes.
  • Fabian Moreau departed for the Denver Broncos, though he might return to the Giants after spending a day or two around Russell Wilson.
  • Julian Love left us for the Seattle Seahawks, and that feels like a legit loss.

Hellos

  • Deonte Banks was drafted in the first round, which should address a glaring hole.
  • John Michael Schmitz was drafted in the second, a move ESPN described as “an excellent pick in terms of value and filling a need.”
  • Jalin Hyatt arrived in the third round, and the dude’s got wheels.
  • Parris Campbell, Jamison Crowder, and Cole Beasley all add depth at receiver.
  • Bobby Okereke comes from the Indianapolis Colts, and he’s improved every season.

The Helloest Hello Award goes to tight end Darren Waller, who came over in a trade from the Las Vegas Raiders. Waller’s a high-ceiling, low-floor guy; his ceiling is Willy Wonka’s Glass Elevator (1,196 yards and nine touchdowns in 2020), while his floor is the basement from Barbarian, since he gets injured so much. That metaphor didn’t really work, but whatever—it’s very on-brand for Waller to be questionable for tonight’s game.

On the brighter side, the Giants re-signed Saquon Barkley, Daniel Jones, and Dexter Lawrence, all of whom made huge strides last season.

So, after a year in which they weren’t all that talented, the Giants suddenly have a solid roster. The question is, will this translate to another successful campaign?

My Prognostication

It’s strange to write this, but I’m feeling good about this team. They’ve got more talent, a great coaching staff, and even a reliable quarterback.

If you told me last year that the Giants would sign Daniel Jones to four years and $160 mil, I might’ve vomited. But thanks to the tutelage of Master Daboll, Jones set career highs in passing and rushing yards, completion percentage, and games played, while setting career lows in turnovers. Plus, he did it all with a lousy offensive line and the league’s worst receiving core. With both those units improved, Danny Dimes should improve with them.

In fact, the only compelling argument I’ve heard to counter a successful Giants season is their schedule. FanDuel set their Over/Under at 7.5 wins, which is shockingly low (not to mention hurtful). Their schedule will be harder, yes—but Week 1 schedules are notoriously unreliable.

Take last year’s Giants themselves, for example. They performed far above preseason expectations, while teams like the Broncos and Packers performed far below.

Looking at the Giants schedule, I see similar possibilities. Are we sure Seattle and Geno Smith can run back their success from last year? Are the Jets really going to be as formidable as their fans believe? Will Dallas be overhyped as usual? Bookies undervalued the Giants all season long last year, and I think they’re doing it again now.

Then there’s the albatross of the Eagles. If preseason hype alone could win a title, the Giants greatest divisional foe would already be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy. Sorry to break it to you, Philly fans, but the season just started. (If you don’t know my feelings about such people, you can learn more in this essay.)

They’ve got talent, yes, but they’ve centralized most of that talent around old guys. Jason Kelce? 35. Lane Johnson? 33. Brandon Graham? 35. Fletcher Cox? 32. I mean, I’m 31, and last month I suffered a random swollen toe with no clear origin, and I’m not even a pro athlete (as far as you know). Once a pro football player hits their 30s, injuries and regression are more likely than sustained success.

Also, the Birds lost their coordinators on both sides of the ball, and they might suffer a Super Bowl hangover. Am I claiming the Giants will finish with a better record than the Eagles? No, I think that’s unlikely (and possibly irrational). All I’m saying is, results aren’t guaranteed. Let’s play the games before we decide them.

Good Luck, Giants

The New York Giants season begins tonight at 8:20pm EST on NBC. Cris Collinsworth will probably still be talking about Patrick Mahomes, but we’ll have to tune in to find out.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include four books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The World Without the New York Yankees

March 20, 2023 /
Yankees

Scottkipp, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons. Modified by the author using Canva.

They’re the greatest franchise in American sports. They’re the juggernauts of the AL East. They’re the team that employed George Costanza. They are the New York Yankees.

I myself am a fan of the Bronx Bombers, so I think I’m qualified to imagine life in their absence. (And I’ll even try to be objective.) In a world without the New York Yankees…

…I Might’ve Had a Happier 2004

This is the year I got into baseball. My grandpa had always loved the Yankees, but I wasn’t hooked until I met several school chums who followed the same sport.

Bad timing on my part. Any baseball fan worth their salt (or infield dirt, as it were) remembers 2004 as the season the Boston Red Sox reversed the Curse of the Bambino and won the World Series. On their way, they surmounted a three-games-to-nothing series deficit against my beloved Yankees—the first such comeback in baseball history.

There are moments from October 2004 that still haunt me. Tony Clark’s ground-rule double. Johnny Damon’s Game 7 grand slam. My friends Jimmy, Jake, and Ben cackling like hyenas when the Sox finally won, making me wish I’d faked an illness to skip school.

If the Yankees didn’t exist, I might’ve been spared all this anguish. But, to quote the late great Yogi Berra, “You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.”

…New Yorkers Would Have to Root for the New York Mets

Look, even Mets fans don’t want to root for the Mets. They’re either abjectly terrible or painfully close to (yet always short of) greatness. The recent injury to big-money closer Edwin Diaz is just another example.

To be fair, the Mets have appeared in the World Series more recently than the Yankees. But one of my best buds Jeremy is a Mets fan, and he’s currently reading a book about his team called So Many Ways to Lose. Its very existence proves my claim.

…The 50s Would’ve Been a More Interesting Baseball Decade

I’m a lifelong Yankees fan, but even I have to admit the 1950s must’ve been a boring time to watch baseball. During that decade, the Yankees appeared in eight World Series and won six of them. I’ve never even had that kind of success in video games, and I always play on rookie mode.

…The Baltimore Orioles, Toronto Blue Jays, and Tampa Bay Rays Would Be More Relevant

Aside from the Red Sox, no other AL East team accomplishes much (usually because the Yanks double their payroll). Without the Yankees, the Orioles might have more championships than three, the Blue Jays might have more than two, and the Rays might have more than zero. Plus, all three teams might have more fans in general.

For example, the only Orioles fan I’ve ever met is my friend Cole. When people discover this, they all ask him the same question: “But why?”

…The World Would Lose a Beloved Folk Hero

I am, of course, referring to George Herman “Babe” Ruth, the man many consider the greatest baseball player of all time. As I alluded to earlier, the Red Sox infamously sold Ruth’s contract to the Yankees in 1919, kickstarting nearly a century of misery in Boston and glory in New York.

If the Yankees hadn’t existed and Ruth had remained a Red Sock, he might’ve continued primarily pitching, in which case he would’ve needed new nicknames, like “The Pitchino” or “The Thane of Throw.” They just don’t have the same ring.

…And What About the Candy Bar?

Without the Yankees there’s no Ruth, and without Ruth there’s no Baby Ruth candy bar. What a tragic loss!

JK, this would change nothing. In my life, I’ve met more Orioles fans than Baby Ruth fans.

…Sports Fans Would Lose a Bitter Enemy

Red Sox Nation hates the Yankees, as do pretty much all other fans. But deep down, they all know sports are better with rivalries. After all, how compelling would Star Wars be without the Empire?

…Pinstripes Wouldn’t Be a Thing

Other teams wore them first, but nobody wore them better. One of the earliest uses of the word in English came in The Canterbury Tales, proving beyond a doubt that even Geoffrey Chaucer was a Yankees fan.

…Judge Judy Would Still be the World’s Most Famous Judge

She had this title on lock in the 90s, and though Judy’s still famous, she carries a little less cachet these days. I mean, are people entering her court wearing judge outfits?

Nope. But they sure are for Yankees captain Aaron Judge. All rise.

…Joe Torre Would’ve Been Remembered as a Scrub

If you know baseball, you know Joe Torre. He led the Yankees to six World Series appearances, winning four of them (including three consecutive from 1998 to 2000).

Yet people forget that when the Yankees hired him in 1996, many considered Torre a failure. In fact, the previous three teams he’d managed had all fired him. The New York Daily News even went so far as to run this headline: “Clueless Joe.”

A sick burn, though one that hasn’t aged well. Good thing for Joe and us Yankees fans alike.

…I Might’ve Turned Out a Little Different

Growing up, my role model was Yankees shortstop and captain Derek Jeter. Not only was Jeter a Hall of Fame baseball player and leader—he was a genuinely good guy. I always strove to be like him (though the only time I played shortstop, I made three errors in one inning).

Without such a positive role model, who might young Kyle have idolized? The list is narrow and filled with fictional characters: Fox Mulder, Homer Simpson, and Gollum. Good thing Jeter existed.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Whether you love them or hate them, the New York Yankees are one of America’s defining franchises. And in a few short weeks, they’ll return for Opening Day. Here’s hoping this season doesn’t end with yet another painful elimination by the Astros.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

Ready for Misery: A 2022 New York Giants Season Preview

September 6, 2022 /
Giants Season Preview

All-Pro Reels, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Big Blue is back and bluer than ever. Another NFL season is upon us!

Yes, pity me, reader. I’m a New York Giants fan. Just like last year, I’m getting you set with a preview article. Here are all the reasons to be both hopeful and depressed (mostly depressed).

Last Season

…Was a dumpster fire. Whether it was the slew of injuries, the anemic offense, or the infamous back-to-back QB sneaks, nothing went right. The only good thing about the season was its conclusion, along with General Manager David Gettleman’s retirement and the firings of Head Coach Joe Judge and Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett. I don’t enjoy rooting for people to lose their jobs, but in these cases, it felt warranted.

The Offseason

Gettleman, Judge, and Garrett weren’t the only departures. The Giants cleaned house in the front office; by my count, 20 positions were replaced or eliminated. The most notable new arrivals are Head Coach Brian Daboll and General Manager Joe Schoen, both coming from the Buffalo Bills and both doing their respective jobs for the first time.

Of the two, Daboll worries me most. Why? Since Tom Coughlin left in 2016, here are the Giants’ non-interim head coaches:

  • Ben McAdoo (the guy who looked like he was reading from a Denny’s menu)
  • Pat Shurmur (the guy with a lifetime coaching record of 19-26)
  • Joe Judge (the guy Sally Jenkins compared to a clown)

All three served as successful assistant coaches prior to their hirings. All three fizzled after two years in NYC. Seeing a pattern here?

Like his predecessors, Daboll was a hotshot coordinator with little or no previous head coaching experience. Sure, he’s likely better than the others. But after three failed attempts, why do we think the fourth will work? Why didn’t we instead hire a proven, competent NFL coach, like Brian Flores? Because that’s Giants football, baby.

And somehow, this isn’t even the team’s most dubious offseason move. That award goes to a trio of cuts: Veterans James Bradberry, Logan Ryan, and Blake Martinez, all trimmed to clear cap space.

Cap space for what, you ask? The piggy bank, I suppose, since the team’s best acquisitions were Matt Breida, Jon Feliciano, and Tyrod Taylor, all castoffs from the Buffalo Bills (because the Bills are trendy right now).

The Draft

At least this went well. With two picks in the top 10, the Giants selected Oregon defensive end Kayvon Thibodeaux and Alabama offensive tackle Evan Neal. Many analysts considered Thibodeaux the most talented player in the draft, but after launching his own cryptocurrency, NFL GMs questioned his focus, hence his fall to the Giants at pick five.

Umm. Okay? I don’t understand cryptocurrencies, either, but I wouldn’t call them a red flag. Whatever. The Giants got Thibodeaux, so that makes me happy.

Of course, in typical Giants fashion, he got injured in the preseason and will miss several weeks, barring any setbacks. Best invest in KayvonCoin now.

What to Expect This Season

The easy answer is mediocrity. Quarterback Daniel “Dimes” Jones has showed little improvement (if any) during his three years in the NFL. Also, after cutting Bradberry and Ryan and losing safety Jabrill Peppers in free agency, the Giants’ secondary looks about as formidable as a “please slow down” sign written in crayon.

And yet…

There is a case for success. First, they have one of the easiest schedules in football based on projected win totals. Second, their division is one of the worst; Washington spent draft capital to acquire Carson Wentz (rivals Daniel Jones for turnover creativity), Dallas is always overhyped (don’t deny it), and Philly is coached by this guy:

Third, the Giants have a contingency plan at quarterback: Tyrod Taylor. He’s not flashy, but he’s competent. Despite his cool nickname, Danny Dimes has played more like Danny Ha’Penny. I expect Tyrod to arrive around week four or five.

Get Ready for Football

When you’re a Giants fan, pessimism is never a bad look. But with New York’s season kicking off Sunday, September 11, there’s still time to hope. It might be miserable, but hey. At least it’s football.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Some Semi-Serious Super Bowl LVI Tips

February 7, 2022 /

Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is the greatest American holiday nobody gets off from work. It’s also the perfect opportunity to make frivolous bets, stuff ourselves with several varieties of chips, and Google what those Roman numerals mean. If you’re wondering what else to expect on Sunday, here are my semi-serious Super Bowl LVI tips. (By the way, I looked it up—LVI means 56.)

The Food

There’s a reason the word “Bowl” appears in the game’s title—it’s a celebration of food as much as football. But speaking of bowls, don’t use any unless they’re paper. My wife and I failed to do so one year, and we were doing dishes until midnight (can you tell I’m still salty about this?).

Another tip: Be wary of carbs—but not from a health standpoint. This is more a strategic consideration. After all, you don’t want to fall asleep and miss Aaron Donald choking somebody or a Budweiser commercial. I’m not sure which would be the greater loss.

If you insist on packing carbs (understandable), at least have some coffee handy so you can stay awake. And if you offer coffee, also offer Tic Tacs, since I doubt dark roast plus Buffalo chicken wing pizza will smell pleasant on anybody’s breath.

Bonus tip: If you have a psychotic English Springer Spaniel named Osi, hide the pizza or else it’ll all be gone by the second quarter. If you couldn’t tell, this was actually a tip from myself to myself. Our dog is terrible around food.

The Halftime Show

This year’s Halftime Show is perhaps the most star-laden affair we’ve ever had, featuring Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, and Kendrick Lamar. Granted, I dislike when each artist plays a minute-and-a-half of their biggest hits, but I’ll go in with an open mind.

I expect to make the following statement at least four times: “Oh, this is a [insert performer’s name] song?” (I do this with most music recorded after 1978.) If you have the same thought, I advise you not to say it aloud, or else you might get mercilessly shushed.

The Commercials

My advice here is to pay close attention to any ads featuring farmers. Why? Because you can learn from my mistake. Let me explain.

During Super Bowl XLVII (that’s 47, according to Google), a farming commercial aired. I recall it being very long and very boring, with black-and-white images of farmers flashing over a voiceover about farmers and farmers farmers farmers. The word “farmers” was repeated so often that I became convinced the ad was promoting an organization called “Farmers of America.”

For years afterward, I made fun of this ad at any opportunity, i.e., “Remember that Farmers of America Super Bowl ad? What the hell was that?” However, while researching this article, I discovered I was mistaken. The ad I’m describing was actually promoting Ram Trucks, of all things. Also, there is no such organization as Farmers of America. There are Future Farmers of America, Dairy Farmers of America, and the National Farmers Union, but no Farmers of America.

So I reiterate: If you want to avoid looking like a fool like me, pay close attention whenever a farmer appears in a Super Bowl ad.

Bonus tip: Tax season is coming up, so don’t accidentally file your taxes as a farmer. My wife did this once (long story), and it led to much confusion.

The Game Itself

Be prepared for at least three questionable calls. After all, the sun rises in the east, water flows downhill, and NFL referees botch important decisions. I can see it now…

Fourth quarter, close score, clock ticking. Matt Stafford zips a pass to Odell Beckham Jr. along the sideline. It’s ruled a catch and a first down. The Rams hurry the next snap, but the Bengals challenge.

Cue several slow-mo videos from numerous angles. Zoom on Odell’s pinky toe, which might graze the line.

Chris Collinsworth: Oh ho ho ho ho, I dunno, Al. I think I spot a molecule on that line.

Al Michaels: Let’s go to Gene Steratore in New York. Gene?

Gene Steratore: Well guys, my question is, did he make a “football move” before going out of bounds?

Gene spends the next 10 minutes discussing but never defining exactly what a “football move” is, by which time the refs are still reviewing the film.

Michaels: And now a word from Farmers of America. Whoops, sorry, I mean Ram Trucks.

Cut to the ad.

Michaels: And now we’re back with the call.

Head Referee Ronald Torbert: After further review and a phone call from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in which he insulted my manhood and threatened to put me in a headlock if the Rams don’t win this game, the ruling on the field stands.

Collinsworth: Well I just think that’s a great call, Al. Now can I talk about Patrick Mahomes for a minute?

Assuming such a scenario unfolds, my advice is to act just as aggrieved as your fellow viewers. Because no matter who you root for, you can always root against the referees.

My final tip: Have a child. I don’t mean during the game—that would be awfully loud, not to mention messy. But if you already have a kid like me, then you might get the day off after all. That’s because I’ve got parental leave the Monday following the game. Thanks, Sasha!

Enjoy the Super Bowl

I know I will, and I know you will, too—unless you eat too many carbs. In which case, you were warned.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

The World Without the New England Patriots

January 10, 2022 /

New England Patriots

Over the past 20 years and change, only one sports franchise has won six Super Bowls, deflated somebody’s balls, and drawn the most accurate comparisons to the evil empire from Star Wars. I’m talking about the New England Patriots.

But we’re not here to pat them on the back (their fans do enough of that). Today, we’re here to imagine a world without them. So, in a world without the New England Patriots…

…Tom Brady and Bill Belichick Wouldn’t Exist(?)

I mean, they’d still exist, insofar as they’d live, breath, and, in the case of Tom Brady, mouth-kiss their children. But Brady, Belichick, and Pats owner Robert Kraft are like the Holy Trinity: One great deity housed in three vessels.

Let’s remember, Kraft hired Belichick as head coach (and effective general manager) in 2000. About three months later, Belichick selected Brady with the 199th pick in the draft. Brady became the starter in 2001, and the team we all love to hate was born.

I think that makes Belichick the Father, Brady the Son, and Kraft the Holy Ghost—but that’s a topic for New England sports bloggers.

…Cutoff Sweaters Wouldn’t Be a Thing

Fonzie has his leather jacket, Indiana Jones has his fedora, and Bill Belichick has his sleeveless hoodies. Without him, we also wouldn’t have so many surly postgame press conferences, nor one of my favorite gifs of all time:

bill belichick

…Six Super Bowl Titles Would be Vacated

When my wife and I moved from Colorado back to the East Coast in 2016, we began throwing a yearly Super Bowl party. And for the next three years, we were subjected to the Patriots. Assuming they didn’t exist and therefore won none of their titles, our parties would’ve been far more fun. Plus, these alternate realities would be in play:

  • The following quarterbacks would have Super Bowls: Jake Delhomme, Donovan McNabb, Matt Ryan, and Jared Goff.
  • Pats fans wouldn’t wear those obnoxious “28-3” t-shirts (that’s the halftime score of the 2017 Super Bowl against the Atlanta Falcons, which the Pats overcame to win).
  • We would’ve been spared the atrocious viewing experience that was the 2019 Super Bowl. Reminder: This game featured the fewest points in Super Bowl history, plus the tatted-up shirtless sweaty bod of Adam Levine. I’m not sure which was more obscene.
  • At the 2004 Pats/Panthers Super Bowl, the infamous Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake wardrobe malfunction probably still would’ve happened.

…Jameis Winston Might Still be the Quarterback in Tampa Bay

This is the guy most famous for hurling 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions in one season, setting the sort of NFL record nobody wants. He also got Lasik eye surgery the following offseason, which remains funny to this day.

However, Jameis was replaced by Mr. Brady, who led the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to a title the very next year. Sorry, Jameis.

…Mac Jones Might’ve Gone to the Washington Football Team

This is purely speculation on my part, but current Pats QB Mac Jones could’ve fallen four more spots to Washington in last year’s draft. I’m guessing he would’ve played over current starter Taylor Heinicke, which would spare me some embarrassment when I mistakenly call him “Taylor Heineken” (this happens often).

…There Would Be Less Hate for the Typical New England Sports Fan

A little less, anyway.

…We Houldn’t Have Gronk

Rob Gronkowski would probably still be Gronk, even if another team drafted him. Still, next to the Holy Trinity, Gronk was the most important piece of the Patriots 2.0 dynasty (making him an apostle?). And without him, we wouldn’t have Gronk Flakes or the Gronk Spike (a move that literally every other football player does, only Gronk does it Gronkier). Also, we wouldn’t have the nickname “Gronk,” which is just fun to say.

…There Would Be Fewer Football Cheating Scandals

Since the Patriots orchestrated both Spygate and Deflategate, I suspect they somehow had a hand in Watergate, too. However, all these -Gates have given Pats fans a persecution complex, which is mildly annoying coming from a fanbase that basically never lost its division in two decades. Speaking of which…

…The AFC East Would Be Far More Interesting

Since 2001, here are the AFC East division winners not named “New England Patriots”:

  • The 2002 New York Jets
  • The 2008 Miami Dolphins
  • The 2020 Buffalo Bills
  • The 2021 Buffalo Bills (as of last night…woo, go Bills!)

And that’s it. These are the results you’d expect when the varsity team crashes the intramural flag football league.

…People in New England Would Root for Some Other Team

I’m talking about states like Rhode Island, Maine, Delaware, and Massachusetts. Based on proximity, maybe they’d opt for the Giants, Jets, or Bills? More likely, they’d say screw it and become Cowboys fans, because that’s America’s bandwagon team.

But hey, there’s only one thing worse than becoming a Cowboys fan, and it’s this: Becoming an Eagles fan. So, in this instance at least, I’m happy the Patriots exist.

…We Wouldn’t Have the Adele Hype Video

In Week 4 of this year’s NFL season, Tom Brady played the Patriots for the first time since leaving and winning a Super Bowl with the Tampa Bay Bucs. NBC made a video featuring “Hello” by Adele, and the result is magnificent.

It’s one of my favorite pieces of sports content because it hits this incredible cross-section of hype, melodrama, and overblown comedy. And I’m not the only one. My wife enjoys this video so much that she regularly shows it to guests when they visit.

…The Giants Would’ve Been Spared Two Years of Joe Judge

Cool name, bad coach.

Joe Judge became the head coach of the Giants after spending seven season with the Pats. His first year was good. His second…not so much.

My fellow Giants fans will remember the 4-13 record, the consecutive QB sneaks on second and nine and third and 11, and the Washington Post hit piece by Sally Jenkins (the Jenkins article was pretty awesome). Another disappointing two-year stint, another coach fired. Let’s hope Brian Daboll does better.

…The Giants Wouldn’t Have Two of the Greatest Super Bowl Victories of All Time

Look, it’s been miserable being a Giants fan ever since we beat the Pats in Super Bowl XLVI. I can and will live in the past, and that means constantly reminding people that a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my team was competent. So there.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

No matter your opinion on the Patriots, you’ve got to admit, they make sports far more entertaining. But as a guy who married into a family of Bills fans, here’s hoping Josh Allen kicks their asses next week.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

A Season Preview from an Oft-Disappointed New York Giants Fan

September 7, 2021 /

New York Giants disappointment

Usually this blog is about writing, reading, and sometimes cats. Today, it’s about disappointment. Oh, and also football.

I’m a lifelong fan of the New York Giants. And by “lifelong,” I of course mean since my early high school days, when I discovered Madden for the Nintendo GameCube. It’s been over a decade and we’ve been through a lot: two Super Bowl victories, two identical quarterbacks, and two years of Ben McAdoo. And when I love something, I can’t help but write about it (even when it bums me out). 

So here’s my preview for the upcoming Giants season.

Last Season

On second thought, let’s not review last season. Too disappointing.

The Offseason

The Giants’ splashiest offseason move was signing wide receiver Kenny Golladay, whose biggest claim to fame was being overthrown by Matt Stafford every Thanksgiving. He’s a decent number two fantasy option, but can he become a number one real-life receiver? I’m skeptical.

If we’re asking Giants General Manager David Gettleman, the answer is yes. Of course, this is the same David Gettleman who traded Odell Beckham Jr., let Landon Collins walk in free agency, and selected Daniel Jones with the sixth pick in the 2019 draft (more on Daniel later). Forgive me if I’m dubious.

In fairness, Gettleman made some savvy decisions in the offseason. I liked the signings of Kyle Rudolph and John Ross, and I really liked the addition of Adoree’ Jackson to an already strong secondary. If only the draft had gone as well. Speaking of which…

The Draft

For once, the Giants were picking outside the top 10, but just barely; they had pick number 11. There were several impressive players available, but of course, Gettleman considered none of them. He had eyes only for DeVonta Smith.

You may wonder how I know this, and no, it’s not because Dave and I are friends on Snapchat. It’s because everyone knew. To quote Matt Lombardo of GMEN HQ:

“There is a feeling inside the NFL that Gettleman is enamored by Alabama wide receiver DeVonta Smith.”

This might’ve been acceptable if the Giants were playing solitaire. However, there were 10 other teams preceding them. And one of those teams was (cue the horror-movie scream) The Philadelphia Eagles.

Eagles fans, if you’re not familiar with them, are notoriously rowdy. This is putting it kindly. For example, after their Super Bowl victory over Thomas Brady and the New England Patriots in 2018, local officials slathered crisco (and later hydraulic fluid) on polls throughout Philadelphia. Why? To prevent Eagles fans from climbing them.

See? Rowdy.

So it came as no surprise when, with the 10th pick in the 2021 NFL Draft, the Eagles once again got rowdy and selected DeVonta Smith.

Look, the closest I’ve gotten to being an NFL General Manager is playing fantasy football with my friends. But even I know that if I want a player, I shouldn’t blather about it. Clearly, Mr. Gettleman has never had to risk losing his fantasy league. (Although maybe Giants owner John Mara has, and his punishment for losing was hiring David Gettleman.)

So, with the Giants on the clock and no DeVonta Smith on the board, Dave did the mature thing and quit. He traded the pick to the Chicago Bears, who incidentally drafted Ohio State quarterback Justin Fields, who’s incidentally probably better than Daniel Jones.

The G-Men drafted some other receiver at number 20, a guy named Kadarius Toney, a.k.a. Yung Joka, according to his Wikipedia page. Pundits have claimed he might be a sleeper in this draft, which is cool, but not exactly what I’m looking for in a first-round pick.

What To Expect This Season

It’s time. We need to talk about Daniel.

Daniel Jones, a.k.a. Danny Dimes, a.k.a. Eli Manning’s approximate clone, troubles me. His career began with a bang: Four touchdowns and a comeback win against the then-Brady-less Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It was the most fun I’ve had watching the Giants since their Super Bowl XLVI victory.

However, Jones fumbled twice in that game. This was easy to disregard in the moment, but as the mistakes mounted, a pattern emerged. In 21 career games, Jones has committed 36 turnovers.

Never one to be outdone in mediocrity, David Gettleman remedied this problem by building around Jones. Hence the aforementioned acquisitions on the offense.

But if we think of Daniel Jones as the turkey in our Thanksgiving dinner, we see the logical fallacy in such moves. Say we invest in perfect stuffing, delicious gravy, jiggly cranberry sauce, and Bob Evans mashed potatoes. Great, love the support. But the turkey is the centerpiece of Thanksgiving. If it’s, say, woefully undercooked and likely to give everyone salmonella, does the rest of the meal really matter?

Look, I’m not calling Daniel Jones an undercooked turkey. He seems like a good guy. But I fear he’s not good enough to save the Giants.

Therefore, I see the Giants hovering around .500 this year (not that you can actually finish at .500 anymore, what with the 17-game schedule). Fortunately, they once again find themselves in the worst division in the league, which means they might somehow make the playoffs at 9-8.

And hey, there’s room for optimism. Head Coach Joe Judge looked solid last year, leading the Giants to a near-upset of the eventual Super Bowl champion Buccaneers, plus a shocking win over the Seattle Seahawks. They also boast a staunch defense, which should be even better this year. And let’s not forget the return of running back Saquon Barkley, one of the most electrifying players I’ve ever seen.

So, will the Giants’ solid defense and improved offense carry them to victory? Or will David Gettleman drag them down into the pits of ineptitude? We’ll find out Sunday at 4:25 eastern against the Denver Broncos. Looking forward to the disappointment.

Kyle A. Massa is a speculative fiction author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their cats, and their dog. He has written two books and numerous short stories, both published and yet-to-be published. He enjoys unusual narrative structures, multiple POVs, and stories that make readers laugh.

LeBron James Might Need to Wait a While for His Third Ring

July 16, 2014 /

LeBron James

This is going to make a great movie someday.

It’s rare that real life arranges itself into near-perfect story structure. But in the case of LeBron James, it most certainly has. You have it all: the humble beginnings, the rise to stardom, the years of struggle, the fall from grace, the exile…

And now, the triumphant return.

The first time I heard someone say that James might head back to the Cleveland Cavaliers, I laughed. There’s just no way, I said to myself. People absolutely hate him there. And why would he leave the Miami Heat, a team he’d been to not one, not two, not three, but four consecutive NBA Finals with, just to go back to a team he obviously didn’t even want to play for in the first place? It was preposterous.

Yet when this year’s NBA Finals ended and James refused to talk about his free agency status after Game 5, I had to wonder. With each passing day of free agency, Cleveland seemed to become a more and more likely destination. Now that he’s officially signed, it makes perfect sense.

First of all, as James wrote in his finely-crafted letter (engineered by Sports Illustrated’s Lee Jenkins), he came back for the city. What better reason is there to return to a team? I don’t consider myself a fan of LeBron, but when I heard that, I couldn’t help but feel a tremendous amount of respect for him.

But going back to Cleveland works for many other reasons–not just because it’s home. For one, look at who he’s playing with. The Cavs already have rising star Kyrie Irving, first overall pick Andrew Wiggins, last year’s first overall pick Anthony Bennett, solid young forward Tristan Thompson, and flashy scorer Dion Waiters. They also quietly nabbed Virginia’s Joe Harris in the second round of this year’s draft, a guy who can rain threes on offense.

Oh, and did I mention that all these guys are under 23 years old?

That’s six very good, very young basketball players. And, perhaps more importantly, that’s six potential trade pieces that could be offered in exchange for another big star–Kevin Love, anyone? And as if that isn’t enough, the Cavs also have three first round picks in next year’s draft.

I’d call that a franchise with a lot of potential.

In fact, according to the oddsmakers in Vegas, that’s enough potential to win Cleveland its first sports championship since 1964.

I’m not so sure about that.

As ESPN’s P.J. Carlisemo has said, the Cavaliers are not legitimate contenders for an NBA Championship–yet. If they get someone like Kevin Love, it’s a whole other story.

However, even if they do acquire Love, I think their title shots will depend on what they give up to get him. If I’m Cavalier’s General Manager David Griffin, I’m offering Bennett, Waiters, maybe Harris, and two first rounders next year–and that’s it. I’m hearing that Love’s Minnesota Timberwolves won’t trade him unless Wiggins is involved. If that’s indeed the case, I don’t make the deal. This guy is an outstanding athlete who can already defend and could develop into a 20-point scorer in a few years. He simply has too much upside to trade.

If the Cavs can’t get a deal done for Love, I say they go after Chicago Bulls’ veteran forward Carlos Boozer. He’s not the offensive force that Love is, but Boozer would still be a nice consolation prize. He provides much-needed veteran leadership at a fraction of Love’s cost, not to mention the Bulls are not-so-secretly trying to dump him. Furthermore, he can still be productive on the glass, and he’s a former teammate of LeBron’s. If they decide they don’t like him, then his contract expires next season, freeing the Cavaliers up to make a run at somebody like Kevin Durant. Just offer Chicago a first rounder for him. It won’t be enough to make the Cavs championship worthy, but it’s still an upgrade in my books.

So when that LeBron James biopic comes out in 2030, will it end with a Championship? The chances certainly look good for the future. However, as it stands now, it looks like James will have to wait a few years for his next trophy.

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