Tag: super-bowl

Some Semi-Serious Super Bowl LVI Tips

February 7, 2022 / Kyle A. Massa

Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is the greatest American holiday nobody gets off from work. It’s also the perfect opportunity to make frivolous bets, stuff ourselves with several varieties of chips, and Google what those Roman numerals mean. If you’re wondering what else to expect on Sunday, here are my semi-serious Super Bowl LVI tips. (By the way, I looked it up—LVI means 56.)

The Food

There’s a reason the word “Bowl” appears in the game’s title—it’s a celebration of food as much as football. But speaking of bowls, don’t use any unless they’re paper. My wife and I failed to do so one year, and we were doing dishes until midnight (can you tell I’m still salty about this?).

Another tip: Be wary of carbs—but not from a health standpoint. This is more a strategic consideration. After all, you don’t want to fall asleep and miss Aaron Donald choking somebody or a Budweiser commercial. I’m not sure which would be the greater loss.

If you insist on packing carbs (understandable), at least have some coffee handy so you can stay awake. And if you offer coffee, also offer Tic Tacs, since I doubt dark roast plus Buffalo chicken wing pizza will smell pleasant on anybody’s breath.

Bonus tip: If you have a psychotic English Springer Spaniel named Osi, hide the pizza or else it’ll all be gone by the second quarter. If you couldn’t tell, this was actually a tip from myself to myself. Our dog is terrible around food.

The Halftime Show

This year’s Halftime Show is perhaps the most star-laden affair we’ve ever had, featuring Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, and Kendrick Lamar. Granted, I dislike when each artist plays a minute-and-a-half of their biggest hits, but I’ll go in with an open mind.

I expect to make the following statement at least four times: “Oh, this is a [insert performer’s name] song?” (I do this with most music recorded after 1978.) If you have the same thought, I advise you not to say it aloud, or else you might get mercilessly shushed.

The Commercials

My advice here is to pay close attention to any ads featuring farmers. Why? Because you can learn from my mistake. Let me explain.

During Super Bowl XLVII (that’s 47, according to Google), a farming commercial aired. I recall it being very long and very boring, with black-and-white images of farmers flashing over a voiceover about farmers and farmers farmers farmers. The word “farmers” was repeated so often that I became convinced the ad was promoting an organization called “Farmers of America.”

For years afterward, I made fun of this ad at any opportunity, i.e., “Remember that Farmers of America Super Bowl ad? What the hell was that?” However, while researching this article, I discovered I was mistaken. The ad I’m describing was actually promoting Ram Trucks, of all things. Also, there is no such organization as Farmers of America. There are Future Farmers of America, Dairy Farmers of America, and the National Farmers Union, but no Farmers of America.

So I reiterate: If you want to avoid looking like a fool like me, pay close attention whenever a farmer appears in a Super Bowl ad.

Bonus tip: Tax season is coming up, so don’t accidentally file your taxes as a farmer. My wife did this once (long story), and it led to much confusion.

The Game Itself

Be prepared for at least three questionable calls. After all, the sun rises in the east, water flows downhill, and NFL referees botch important decisions. I can see it now…

Fourth quarter, close score, clock ticking. Matt Stafford zips a pass to Odell Beckham Jr. along the sideline. It’s ruled a catch and a first down. The Rams hurry the next snap, but the Bengals challenge.

Cue several slow-mo videos from numerous angles. Zoom on Odell’s pinky toe, which might graze the line.

Chris Collinsworth: Oh ho ho ho ho, I dunno, Al. I think I spot a molecule on that line.

Al Michaels: Let’s go to Gene Steratore in New York. Gene?

Gene Steratore: Well guys, my question is, did he make a “football move” before going out of bounds?

Gene spends the next 10 minutes discussing but never defining exactly what a “football move” is, by which time the refs are still reviewing the film.

Michaels: And now a word from Farmers of America. Whoops, sorry, I mean Ram Trucks.

Cut to the ad.

Michaels: And now we’re back with the call.

Head Referee Ronald Torbert: After further review and a phone call from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in which he insulted my manhood and threatened to put me in a headlock if the Rams don’t win this game, the ruling on the field stands.

Collinsworth: Well I just think that’s a great call, Al. Now can I talk about Patrick Mahomes for a minute?

Assuming such a scenario unfolds, my advice is to act just as aggrieved as your fellow viewers. Because no matter who you root for, you can always root against the referees.

My final tip: Have a child. I don’t mean during the game—that would be awfully loud, not to mention messy. But if you already have a kid like me, then you might get the day off after all. That’s because I’ve got parental leave the Monday following the game. Thanks, Sasha!

Enjoy the Super Bowl

I know I will, and I know you will, too—unless you eat too many carbs. In which case, you were warned.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Raising the Stakes

January 15, 2018 / Kyle A. Massa

There’s a reason preseason football games are dull, and it’s not just because we’re compelled to watch backups play for three quarters (sorry backups). It’s because they have no stakes.

Now consider the Super Bowl, a game which has the highest stakes in American professional sports. Winning that game means everything. Losing it could be the biggest disappointment in an otherwise outstanding career. (The Super Bowl is also made greater by the weird Doritos commercials, but that’s neither here nor there.)

As writers, we should write stories about the Super Bowl, not the preseason. That’s because stories are often at their best when everything’s on the line. The question is, how do we do it?

Let’s start with The Fellowship of the Ring. The story begins without any stakes (unless you’re particularly concerned about the success of Bilbo’s birthday party). However, we soon discover that Bilbo’s magic ring is actually the One Ring, the most evil artifact in Middle-Earth. Now we understand the stakes: If Sauron gets his Ring back, Middle-Earth is screwed. And when Frodo volunteers to take the Ring, he raises the stakes even further. That’s because at this point, we like Frodo. If he fails, he dies, and then we’re very sad.

Takeaway: Raise the stakes incrementally. Each successive event should provide more to lose and more to gain.

The trick is learning to raise the stakes by showing rather than telling. For example, imagine a character in a book says, “Dude. The stakes have never been greater.” No no no. Too heavy handed.

What’s a good way to suggest stakes rather than outright say them? Kill some characters. The great J.K. Rowling did so zealously in Harry Potter, starting with The Goblet of Fire. When Cedric Diggory died in this book, the stakes were clear: If you mess with Voldemort, you die. Such stakes had never before existed in the series.

It’s difficult, but raising the stakes can breathe new life into our stories. I’m still working on it. I think it helps to ask yourself some questions before sitting down to write. For example: What does my character’s quest mean to him or her? What happens if my character fails? What’s motivating my character to succeed?

We want to show the answers to these questions without telling. If readers have a clear picture of the stakes in their minds, they’ll better understand the gravity of every situation.

So let’s skip the preseason and play for the Super Bowl. Raise those stakes!

Kyle A. Massa is a speculative fiction author living in New York (upstate, not the city). His stories have appeared in numerous online magazines, including Allegory, Chantwood, and Dark Fire Fiction. To stay current with Kyle’s work, subscribe to his monthly email newsletter. He promises not to spam you.

This Coming Offseason

January 8, 2013 / Kyle A. Massa

2012 was obviously a disappointing season for the G-Men. Failing to make the playoffs is never fun, especially when you won the Superbowl the year before. They had a typically good start followed by a typically bad mid season slump, but this time they just couldn’t get there. Close, but no playoffs.

First thing on the to do list for the off season: re-sign Victor Cruz. No questions. Whatever he asks for, they need to give it to him. The guy has more catches through two seasons than any other Giant receiver in team history, plus he’s a ridiculous deep threat and is only 26 years old. They’d be insane to let him walk.

There are a lot of other free agents that GM Jerry Reese will need to take a look at as well. Osi Umenyiora, Kenny Phillips, and Martellus Bennett will all be unrestricted. Bennett looked great for the first half of the season, but then sort of petered out with the rest of the team. I think he’s got potential, however, and the Giants should re-sign him. Though Kenny Phillips has had injury issues, he’s a formidable option at safety when healthy. He’s another guy that the Giants should bring back.

I’m not so sure about Osi. He’s made it pretty clear that he’s not happy, and that he wants a pay increase, one that the Giants probably won’t be giving him. Plus, I think his best years are behind him. Time to move on.

With the number 19 pick in the draft, I think Jerry Reese and company should look at the defensive side of the ball. The secondary looked kind of weak by the end of the year, especially Corey Webster. Prince Amukamara has injury issues, as does Aaron Ross. Perhaps they take a cornerback?

If they don’t go that route, linebacker would be the next best bet. They’ve been missing a big defensive presence up the middle ever since Antonio Pierce retired. A guy like Notre Dame’s Manti Ta’o would be perfect, though I don’t know if he’ll fall that far.

I think the offense should be set for next year. Eli has plenty of solid receivers, and with the emergence of David Wilson and Andrew Brown, they look pretty stacked at running back. A few late round picks at guard or tackle would be a good way to provide some depth for the O-line, which suffered its share of injuries in 2012.

Here’s hoping for a good offseason, a great season, and an even better postseason!