Category: The World Without… (Page 2 of 2)

The World Without The Who

December 26, 2022 / Kyle A. Massa

Heinrich Klaffs, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons, modified by the author using Canva

Full disclosure, reader: This won’t be an objective piece.

Not that any entry in this series has been (or will be). Still, I thought I should state that upfront, because when it comes to this subject, I am entirely biased. The Who is my all-time favorite band.

Though I’d rather never contemplate a world without them, we’ll do it here to highlight their importance. In a world without the Who…

…The Incredibles Wouldn’t Exist

In 1999, a guy named Brad Bird directed a movie called The Iron Giant. Due to the critical success of that film, Pixar Animation Studios gave Bird the greenlight to write and direct another animated feature: The Incredibles. We all know what happened next: Reddit users posted numerous memes about Elastigirl being thicc.

What do the Who have to do with all this? Well, Who guitarist Pete Townshend adapted The Iron Man, a novel by Ted Hughes, into a musical of the same name. Warner Bros. purchased the film rights to that album, and it soon became Bird’s The Iron Giant.

Therefore, no Who, no Incredibles. You’re welcome, Reddit.

…Punk Rock Would Be Gone

The Who was one of the chief inspirations behind punk rock, particularly the aggressive, power-cord-slamming style of guitarist Pete Townshend. Bands such as the Clash, Sex Pistols, Green Day, and the Ramones have either covered songs by the Who or cited them as influences.

So, by extension, this world we’re imagining would also miss classic tunes like “Rock the Kasbah,” “Anarchy in the UK,” and “American Idiot.” And who could forget everybody’s favorite Ramones song, “Pet Sematary”?

…What Would CSI Do?

They have like 10 spinoffs, and all of them bastardize Who songs for their opening credits. I’m still waiting for CSI: Portland, which would use something weird, e.g. “Boris the Spider.”

…No More Animal from the Muppets

That’s because Animal is based on the Who’s original drummer, Keith Moon.

Moon really was some sort of animal. For example, on his 21st birthday, he committed the following acts at a Holiday Inn in Flint, Michigan:

Got very drunk
Chipped half his front tooth
Started a food fight
Set off numerous fire extinguishers
Drove a Lincoln Continental into the swimming pool (this claim has since been disputed)

This all cost an alleged $24,000 in property damage, which was worth quite a bit more in 1967. Most of us get sloppy on our 21st birthdays—but not 24k-sloppy. For comparison, here’s what I did on mine:

Drank legally
Dined at Ithaca’s finest restaurant: Sammy’s Pizza
Capped off the night with some Call of Duty: Black Ops

I suppose my Venn diagram overlapped with Moon’s on the “got very drunk” part. But hey, nobody ever based a Muppets character on me.

…Yet.

…The Rock Opera Would Be a Lost Art

The Who’s Tommy was the first. Without its pioneering presence, would we have such classics as David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, or The Simpsons’ Simpsons Christmas Boogie? I think not.

…Smashing Guitars Would Be Considered Vandalism

Yes, Mr. Townshend was the first man to smash a guitar for the spectacle. He was inspired to do so by artist Gustav Metzger, who destroyed his own work as a mode of artistic expression. Pete did the same, forcing the band to glue their instruments back together in their early days, when they lacked the funds to replace them.

…In the Year 2010, a Vegetable Platter Might’ve Been Saved

During Super Bowl XLIV, the Who played the halftime show. And somewhere, some overenthusiastic viewer did a Pete Townshend windmill air-guitar move, knocking over somebody’s veggie tray at their Super Bowl party. I’m almost certain this happened.

My friend Jimmy maintains this was the worst halftime performance in Super Bowl history, but as I’ve said, I’m biased. I’ll admit, Pete’s shirt kept flying up during those aforementioned windmill moves, revealing his old man stomach beneath.

Yet still, it’s hard to get much worse than 2019, which featured shirtless Adam Levine, 30 seconds of Travis Scott, half of Outkast, and for some reason, SpongeBob SquarePants.

…Young Kyle Would’ve Gotten More Sleep

I recall one night in high school where I stayed up late listening to Tommy and getting very emotional, I think after being rejected by a girl or something. Emo much?

Oh, and also, I downloaded all the Who’s DLC songs on Rock Band 2 and played them ad nauseam in my dad’s basement, usually at night. If you thought the Who’s cover of “Young Man Blues” from Live at Leeds was good, wait ’til you get a load of mine.

…Sports Teams Would Have Shorter Pregame Playlists

I swear, every time I tune in to a Giants game, they’re playing “Baba O’Riley.” Of course, they never play “My Generation,” because that would offend the geriatric fans.

That reminds me of a story. You may not have known this, reader, but I’m in a band. We’re called Hurricane Betty, and we once played a pool party at a dude’s house (we dubbed him “Cabana Bob,” owing to his sick backyard cabana). Sometime during the party, Bob announced one of his guests was celebrating their 60th birthday. Everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” and all was well.

Two songs later, we played “My Generation.” My brother-in-law Dan (and our band leader) changed the most famous line in the song to this: “I hope I die before I turn 60.”

Paradoxically, Cabana Bob still invited us back the following year. Probably couldn’t find another band that would play for free.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Speaking for millions of fans throughout the world, I’m glad the Who exists. Now please excuse me while I go queue up a little Quadrophenia.

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include three books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Coffee

October 1, 2022 / Kyle A. Massa

The World Without Coffee

The world without coffee is, I must say, a horrifying alternate reality. However, here in the World Without series, we don’t avoid difficult topics. We examine them head-on, with courage, humor, and, fortunately, caffeine.

So get ready, people. In a world without coffee…

…We’d Live in The Hunger Games

Coffee contains caffeine, which is the chief reason most folks drink it—unless you’re one of those weirdos who drinks decaf. In such cases, I must assume you also enjoy non-alcoholic beer, sugar-free Coke, and rock songs without guitar solos. Are you all right? I’m asking as a friend.

Sorry, let’s get back on track. According to the National Coffee Association (yes, there is a national association dedicated to coffee), 62% of Americans drink coffee every day. I’d guess a significant portion of them drink the caffeinated sort. Without it, waking up for work would be difficult, if not downright impossible.

What if we extend this logic further? If people can’t wake up for work, they work less. If that happens, the gross domestic product of countries shrivels, trade suffers, and the world descends into chaos. Hence, a Hunger Games scenario. (I fell asleep during the fourth movie, so hopefully it ends well.)

…We’d Have to Resort to Alternate Forms of Caffeine

Tea, for example. Or soda. Or energy drinks. Or cocaine.

Look, I know cocaine is far more stimulating than caffeine. But from my understanding, it’s sort of like caffeine on cocaine—not that I would know from experience (I promise I’ve never done cocaine, Mom). I’m just saying, people would need something to wake them up. Who can say it wouldn’t be the 80s all over again?

…Toilets Would Be Used Less Frequently

Everybody knows that coffee makes you poop. Without your morning joe, you’d be less regular (I know I would). And when you get constipated, you get irritable, so the world would probably be a lot grouchier, too.

…We’d Lose the “Caution: Contents Are Hot” Warning

That’s because it comes from an infamous 1992 case in which Stella Liebeck sued McDonald’s for serving coffee so hot it gave her third-degree burns when spilled. I wonder why we don’t have more of these warnings, such as “Caution: knife is sharp.”

…People’s Breath Would Smell Better

No other beverage makes breath smell worse (unless you’re a fan of onion broth). This has become even more apparent while wearing masks everywhere.

…The Starbucks Empire Would Collapse

And I would play my fiddle while it burned. The downfall of Starbucks would devastate millions of people, but personally, I think it’s vastly overrated. Sure, they have some decent stuff, like that sweet vanilla cold brew thing. But Starbucks reminds me a little of NXIVM, and any chain that substitutes the word “large” for “venti” is clearly full of itself.

Another strike against it: I have a personal vendetta. When I was a young lad, there was a combination KFC/Taco Bell only 15 minutes from my house. When the KFC left, I was hurt. When the Taco Bell left, I was devastated. And you know what replaced them?

A Starbucks. Never forgive, never forget.

…Interns Would Become Obsolete

When I interned in Los Angeles, I’d say a good 68% of my job was hustling down to the Starbucks on Wilshire Blvd (yet another reason I hate the Bucks). Plus, one of my professors once said Los Angeles is built on the backs of interns. So if interns didn’t have coffee runs to make, L.A. would crumble. A definite bummer, but at least there’d be less traffic.

…Undercover Police Would Need Another Way to Stay Awake

Again, I don’t want to say cocaine, but…cocaine?

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Thankfully, we live in a world with coffee, and today’s the day to celebrate it. Now please excuse me while I brew a fresh pot. Happy International Coffee Day!

You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Chocolate

September 11, 2022 / Kyle A. Massa

The World Without Chocolate

Cake. Syrup. Mousse. Cookies. Pudding.

Those desserts (and so many more) would suffer without chocolate. Yes, reader, that’s the bleak scenario we’re examining today. In a world without chocolate…

…Things Would Get Gloomy

That’s the word my wife used to describe this alternate reality, along with a sad sigh. Sorry to bum you out, Sara.

…Several Holidays Would Die

We have numerous choco-based holidays, including Easter, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day. Without the chocolate, what would we be celebrating? Rabbits? Pumpkin mutilation? Love? Come on now.

Of those three holidays, Halloween would have it worst, since the entire conceit of the night is stuffing yourself with chocolate until you puke, all while pretending to be someone else to hide your shame. And without chocolate, Milky Way, Twix, and Snickers are out, leaving whatever’s left in people’s cupboards. Hope you like expired Saltines, kids.

**…Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Would Need a New Setting**

Maybe not the worst thing, since both versions of this film are super creepy. I’ve never read the book, but knowing Roald Dahl, it’s probably just as disturbing—if not more so.

Also, did you know there’s a prequel movie slated for release next year? It’s an origin story for Willy Wonka, because apparently we needed the Dahl Cinematic Universe.

…Matilda Would Be More Enjoyable

Speaking of movies, Matilda is another DCU film, the one where school faculty forces some kid to eat an entire chocolate cake, solo. For many, this would be a delight. However, this particular cake is made from the “sweat and blood” of the lunch lady.

It’s a grotesque sequence, enough so that it ruined chocolate cake for my sister for at least a few months. Quite the astounding feat considering she requested a seven-layer chocolate cake for her birthday one year (my mom vetoed that idea).

…Peanut Butter Would Lose a Longtime Ally

As they so frequently remind us on Reese’s commercials, chocolate and peanut butter go together like Jagger and Richards (except for the 80s). Peanut butter would still have jelly and fluff, I suppose, but jelly is messy and fluff is objectively gross.

…Vanilla Would Own a De Facto Monopoly Over Soft Serve Ice Cream

As it stands, our standard soft serve options are vanilla and chocolate. Without the latter, we’d have no selection, not even a twist. I’ve never been partial to soft serve chocolate, but even I must admit, this sounds like slim pickings.

…Count Chocula Would Need a Rebrand

To what, Count Vanilla? Vanilla is literally synonymous with boring. We can’t have that.

…The Cookie Monster Would Lose His Favorite Cookie

I recommend the snickerdoodle as a replacement, both for the taste and the name.

…Cookie Crisp Would Cease to Exist

Maybe not a bad thing; it’s the antithesis of nutrition. I don’t understand why the FDA ever approved the stuff. Also, if we’ve learned anything from the last three points, it’s that a world without chocolate would decimate many people’s childhoods.

…No More Chocolataires

Did you know such a thing was a thing? Because I didn’t.

Not to be confused with a chocolatier, chocolataires are parties where every food and beverage served contains some form of chocolate. Apparently, this type of shindig was biggest in the early 1900s. (This is all according to Wikipedia, so if I’m the victim of an elaborate trolling, I apologize.)

Such a party would be tough to hold without chocolate. Truth be told, I’m just trying to imagine the menu with chocolate. Something like this…?

Hors d’oeuvres: Cocoa Puffs, fudge Pop Tarts, and random chocolates from a Whitman’s Sampler
Drink of the evening: Chocolate milk
First course: A traditional Caesar salad doused in Hershey’s syrup in lieu of dressing
Second course: A slice of pepperoni pizza (the pepperonis are Reese’s Cups)
Third course: A seemingly normal pork roast, only someone injected the meat with searing hot fudge
Dessert: Chocolate ice cream topped with chocolate sauce and chocolate sprinkles, packed with chocolate chips and chocolate chunks, all floating on a bed of chocolate mousse, served with Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing” playing in the background
Party favor: Lines of cocoa powder that you snort off a golden platter

Hmm. Maybe we’d be better off if these never existed.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

We all need a little chocolate in our lives from time to time, else things would definitely get gloomy. For my wife’s sake, I’m glad it’s still here.

The subject for this article came from a reader named Cherry. Thanks, Cherry! You can read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Left Handers

August 13, 2022 / Kyle A. Massa

Left Handers Would Without

Today, on this sacred day—this National Left Handers Day—we come together to celebrate everyone who smudges ink when they write.

I’m not entirely altruistic in this endeavor, since I myself am a southpaw. I am, however, what my wife has dubbed a “fake lefty,” since all I do with my left hand is write, eat, and bat.

Nonetheless, whether you’re a pure lefty or a fake, today is your day. To celebrate, let’s remind everyone what they’d be missing without us. In a world without left handers…

…No More Mona Lisa, Vitruvian Man, or Last Supper

All these images were made by the left hand of one Mr. Leonardo da Vinci, whom you may have heard of. I don’t know enough about art to speculate on the butterfly effect, but I do know this: Without da Vinci, there’s no more Da Vinci Code, neither book nor movie. And without them, where else would you see an albino dude flagellating himself?

…The Leftorium Would Close

Even faster than it did on that Simpsons episode.

…No More Social Media

Yes, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is left-handed. As the first social media juggernaut and progenitor of the news feed, he paved the way for every other network we have today. Would the world be better off without YouTubers and TikTok personalities? I’d imagine so.

By extension, the world would also lose the 2012 film The Social Network, which I still have not seen, which seems to anger people whenever they hear it. Why, I bet you’re angry at me right now.

…The New York Yankees Would’ve Won Four World Series in a Row

You might remember the Yankees improbable loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks in the 2001 World Series after winning three straight in the years prior. This defeat was in no small part due to Randy Johnson, a.k.a. the Big Unit (a nickname that sounds vaguely dirty, especially for a guy with the surname “Johnson”). The Big Unit is a lefty, and without him, the Diamondbacks would’ve lost.

Don’t believe me? Well, in that best-of-seven series, guess how many games Johnson won? Three. No wonder he earned series MVP.

…The Term “Southpaw” Would Not Exist

Speaking of baseball, baseball is where we get this delightful term. Though this story is disputed by some, here it is: Baseball fields were designed for batters to face east, thereby avoiding a sun-in-the-eyes situation. On such a field, left-handed pitchers faced west, meaning their pitching arms would point south. Without left handers, you wouldn’t have this fun anecdote to share at your next party.

…The Plot of the Film Yesterday Would Become Reality

Disclaimer: I have never actually seen this movie—but I have seen the trailer. Basically, a guy wakes up to find he’s the only person who remembers the Beatles.

It’s not exactly a world without the Beatles, but in a world without lefties, there would be no Paul McCartney, and without Paul, the Beatles would never have been the Beatles. I mean, “Helter Skelter”? “When I’m Sixty-Four”? “Penny Lane”? “FourFiveSeconds”? These are classics, people.

…Modern Guitar Players Would Stink

Speaking of musicians, if you’ve ever played an electric guitar, you’ve been influenced by Jimi Hendrix—you just don’t know it yet. And Mr. Hendrix was, of course, a lefty. (As the story goes, his first guitar was a right-handed instrument strung upside down.)

How many guitarists did Hendrix inspire? The list is endless, but here are several you’ve probably heard of:

John Frusciante of Red Hot Chili Peppers
Slash of Guns N’ Roses
Lenny Kravitz
Stevie Ray Vaughan
John Mayer

I might’ve once omitted John Mayer from this list because his solo stuff is so annoying, but after seeing him play with Dead & Company, I’ve got to give him props.

…Say Goodbye to Caesar Salads

Yes, Julius Caesar was a lefty. And yes, I realize this is about the least consequential thing the guy was responsible for. But, speaking selfishly, the caesar dressing at my favorite local restaurant is worthy of an emperor. Without it, what am I going to get, vinaigrette? I’d rather be stabbed by senators.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Happy National Left Handers Day out there! Even if you’re a righty, you can join the festivities by doing everything left-handed. What could possibly go wrong?

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Multitasking

July 12, 2022 / Kyle A. Massa

The World Without Multitasking

Why do one task well when you can do several poorly?

That’s the multitasker’s credo. I would know, because I’m a serial multitasker myself. Whether it’s listening to podcasts, exploring Wikipedia, or flipping a pen around in my left hand, I’m always doing other stuff. Perhaps I’m even multitasking right now.

But what would the world look like without this glorious skill? I shudder to contemplate it, but that is why we’re here. So, in a world without multitasking…

…People Might Die of Boredom

Has anyone’s cause of death ever been listed as “boredom”? Not to my knowledge—but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

Imagine, for instance, you find yourself at a local staging of Christopher Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus. This happened to me as a wee lad, and though I’ve since grown to appreciate the play, this particular production was a snooze. Fortunately, I had my trusty Gameboy Advance tucked into my cargo shorts, so I passed the time by leveling-up my Treecko in Pokemon Ruby. Yes, multitasking saved my life.

Picture my mom and sister’s horror if the lights came up at intermission and they’d found me dead of boredom. Now that would’ve been a tragedy.

…This Very Article Wouldn’t Exist

That’s because I’m dictating it on my phone on my way to work. To be clear, it’s hands-free multitasking, which is the best sort, right up there with listening to audiobooks. Told you I’m a serial multitasker.

…Audiobook Sales Would Plummet

Speaking of audiobooks, 93% of people who listen to them are also doing something else.

Did I pull that figure out of my ass? Why yes, I did. But the essence of the argument is true; many readers enjoy audiobooks while driving, cleaning, doing dishes, or some combination of the three. Or, if you’re like me, you listen to A Song of Ice and Fire while playing basketball in your driveway. The Battle of Blackwater Bay is particularly exhilarating, especially when working on one’s jumpshot.

But without multitasking, say goodbye to Audible. Worse yet, imagine how boring household chores would become. I think I’d just pull a Gollum and go live in a cave. (Far less upkeep, not to mention no property taxes.)

…We’d All Be Far More Attentive

I love multitasking, but I’ll admit it can be distracting. Have you ever tried doing the self-checkout at the grocery store while listening to the latest episode of The Bill Simmons Podcast? I have, and let me tell you, it’s a challenge—especially when you order cash back from a machine that doesn’t dispense cash, because you didn’t notice the handwritten sign above the screen, and now the machine has stolen $40 of your hard-earned money, and you ask the attendant what’s going on, only you can’t hear him because you’re still listening to The Bill Simmons Podcast, and Bill is interviewing Jeff Bridges and everybody seems to be having a good time, except for you, by which I mean, me.

My point is, none of this would’ve happened in a world without multitasking. And I’d be $40 richer.

…Phones Would Just Be Phones Again

At the risk of making up another statistic, I’d venture we use modern cell phones more for data than calls. Without multitasking, we might as well revert to the days of rotary dial. I confess I wouldn’t mind that, since turning the wheel looks fun.

…Huh?

Sorry, what did you say? I was checking my email.

…Social Media Wouldn’t Be So Ubiquitous

Some might dispute this claim, but I don’t read my comments, so joke’s on them. Seriously though, social media’s allure lies in slipping updates between moments. Waiting in line? Check Twitter. Enjoying the sunrise? Share it on Instagram. Taking a dump? Call somebody on WhatsApp.

Just kidding, nobody uses WhatsApp (except for Momo). And even if you do, you should probably wait until you’re out of the bathroom before calling anyone. Which reminds me…

…We’d Have Nothing to Do While Pooping

This is the ultimate opportunity for multitasking, and therefore, it’s one of the most devastating losses we’d suffer. Sure, this is usually time spent on the phone, or reading, or, in my case, sifting through Magic cards. Yet still, it’s better than just sitting there staring at the wall while nature runs its course.

Babies have it best, because they can roll, crawl, cry, or giggle, all whilst simultaneously pooping in their diapers. They’re a model of multitasking, and perhaps us adults should take note. Imagine how exponentially productivity would increase if we all wore Huggies.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

I’m glad multitasking exists, especially on the toilet. (Not that I’m writing this part from a toilet—you can’t prove that.) Though it might lead to decreased attention spans, I believe multitasking is a net positive for society. Now please excuse me while I go eat breakfast, edit this article, check my email, and finish packing my bag for work, all at once. Wish me luck!

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without Winter

March 9, 2022 / Kyle A. Massa

The World Without Winter

Tired of the cold, salt, and snow? This article may be for you.

Full transparency: I live in New York, USA (the state, not the city). Winter here lasts from roughly November through March, so I’ll apologize for the regionalist mindset upfront. And yes, I know winter is basically absent from Florida, Mali, Tatooine, and many other places. However, for the next few minutes, we’re going to imagine it never existed anywhere.

So, in a world without winter…

…Dogs Would Be Disappointed

That’s because winter brings snow, and dogs love snow. Speaking for my dog Osi, there’s nothing better than shoving your snout beneath a drift, snuffling once or twice, then springing upward into the air as high as you can, casting down a shower of snow upon your owners, who are just trying to walk you. I assure you, all dogs would be devastated to lose moments like this.

…Christmas Would Be Far Different

Everybody digs a white Christmas, though that wouldn’t exist without winter’s snow. Neither would the Bing Crosby song, which wouldn’t be a monumental loss, because there’s such a surplus of Christmas songs as it is. However, it would’ve opened the door for some other song to win the Academy Award for Best Original Song at the 1942 Oscars. Nominees included “I’ve Got a Gal in Kalamazoo,” “Pennies for Peppino,” and “Pig Foot Pete.” I swear I’m not making these up.

Anyhoo, we’re getting off topic. Without winter, would Christmas even exist? I’m told it’s the birthday of some guy named Jesus, though it feels more like Santa’s birthday. So without winter, would we reschedule Christmas or just skip it? Have I lost credibility with you yet? Never mind, don’t answer that. Moving right along.

…Snow Plow Drivers Would Need New Jobs

I mean, I’m pretty sure you can’t do this job full-time anyway, unless you live in a place where it snows year-round (The North Pole, perhaps). But without snow plow drivers, we wouldn’t have the Mr. Plow episode of the Simpsons, and we’d all be a little sadder.

…Many Products Would Become Obsolete

A short list: Snow tires, snowshoes, snow globes, and really anything with the word “snow” in it, because without winter, there’s probably not much snow. I’m no economist, so I can’t say if the absence of these products would shift the market. However, I can say this: There would be a lot more space in my garage.

…Skiing Wouldn’t Exist

A brief aside: My dad has an alter ego. He calls himself Cliff Steep. I guarantee you’ll never guess why.

All right, I’ll tell you. In the early days of Facebook, my dad would complain about pictures of his coworkers’ dinners overrunning his newsfeed. Perhaps in retaliation, he began posting stats about his ski outings. You know, calories burned, elevation gain, stuff like that. After a few months of this, my stepmom made fun of him enough that he devised a new plan. He created a Facebook profile entirely devoted to his skiing content.

However, since Facebook is annoying and mandates a name, my dad had to devise an alter ego. Hence, Cliff Steep was born.

Fast forward to my sophomore year at Ithaca College (shoutout to the Bombers out there). I was procrastinating, as one does, when I noticed a familiar face in the “People You May Know” section. One Mr. Cliff Steep appeared, with a selfie of my dad in front of a ski lift. I clicked Cliff’s profile to inspect. He had exactly one friend: my dad.

I urged my friends to friend Cliff, but that’s not the point. The point is, there wouldn’t be skiing without winter, and there wouldn’t be Cliff Steep without skiing, and without Cliff Steep, you’d have back the 90 seconds you spent reading this not-so-brief aside.

…There Would Be Far Fewer Olympic Sports

Ice skating, alpine skiing, bobsledding, all gone. However, we all know what the greatest loss to the world would be: curling.

…Forget About Ragnarok

For those who never read Neil Gaiman’s Norse Mythology or watched the 2017 masterpiece Thor: Ragnarok, Ragnarok is the doomsday prophesied by the Norse myths. Basically, it snows nonstop and until everyone dies, sort of like a permanent snow day.

I mean, this is unlikely to happen even when winter exists. But still, it can’t be ruled out.

…George R.R. Martin’s The Winds of Winter Would Need a New Title

Or maybe not, because most fans believe it will never see print. In fact, if you Google this book, the top results are…

“Is The Winds of Winter ever coming out?”
“Does anyone still care about The Winds of Winter?”
“Will Winds of Winter release by 2022?”

My answers to these questions:

Hope so.
I do!
Eh, probably not.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Winter is still with us—at least for a few more months. Until spring comes, I suppose we can dream, eh?

Kyle A. Massa is a comic fantasy author living somewhere in upstate New York with his wife, their daughter, and three wild animals. His published works include two books and several short stories. When he’s not writing, he enjoys reading, running, and drinking coffee.

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without the New England Patriots

January 10, 2022 / Kyle A. Massa

New England Patriots

Over the past 20 years and change, only one sports franchise has won six Super Bowls, deflated somebody’s balls, and drawn the most accurate comparisons to the evil empire from Star Wars. I’m talking about the New England Patriots.

But we’re not here to pat them on the back (their fans do enough of that). Today, we’re here to imagine a world without them. So, in a world without the New England Patriots…

…Tom Brady and Bill Belichick Wouldn’t Exist(?)

I mean, they’d still exist, insofar as they’d live, breath, and, in the case of Tom Brady, mouth-kiss their children. But Brady, Belichick, and Pats owner Robert Kraft are like the Holy Trinity: One great deity housed in three vessels.

Let’s remember, Kraft hired Belichick as head coach (and effective general manager) in 2000. About three months later, Belichick selected Brady with the 199th pick in the draft. Brady became the starter in 2001, and the team we all love to hate was born.

I think that makes Belichick the Father, Brady the Son, and Kraft the Holy Ghost—but that’s a topic for New England sports bloggers.

…Cutoff Sweaters Wouldn’t Be a Thing

Fonzie has his leather jacket, Indiana Jones has his fedora, and Bill Belichick has his sleeveless hoodies. Without him, we also wouldn’t have so many surly postgame press conferences, nor one of my favorite gifs of all time:

bill belichick

…Six Super Bowl Titles Would be Vacated

When my wife and I moved from Colorado back to the East Coast in 2016, we began throwing a yearly Super Bowl party. And for the next three years, we were subjected to the Patriots. Assuming they didn’t exist and therefore won none of their titles, our parties would’ve been far more fun. Plus, these alternate realities would be in play:

The following quarterbacks would have Super Bowls: Jake Delhomme, Donovan McNabb, Matt Ryan, and Jared Goff.
Pats fans wouldn’t wear those obnoxious “28-3” t-shirts (that’s the halftime score of the 2017 Super Bowl against the Atlanta Falcons, which the Pats overcame to win).
We would’ve been spared the atrocious viewing experience that was the 2019 Super Bowl. Reminder: This game featured the fewest points in Super Bowl history, plus the tatted-up shirtless sweaty bod of Adam Levine. I’m not sure which was more obscene.
At the 2004 Pats/Panthers Super Bowl, the infamous Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake wardrobe malfunction probably still would’ve happened.

…Jameis Winston Might Still be the Quarterback in Tampa Bay

This is the guy most famous for hurling 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions in one season, setting the sort of NFL record nobody wants. He also got Lasik eye surgery the following offseason, which remains funny to this day.

However, Jameis was replaced by Mr. Brady, who led the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to a title the very next year. Sorry, Jameis.

…Mac Jones Might’ve Gone to the Washington Football Team

This is purely speculation on my part, but current Pats QB Mac Jones could’ve fallen four more spots to Washington in last year’s draft. I’m guessing he would’ve played over current starter Taylor Heinicke, which would spare me some embarrassment when I mistakenly call him “Taylor Heineken” (this happens often).

…There Would Be Less Hate for the Typical New England Sports Fan

A little less, anyway.

…We Houldn’t Have Gronk

Rob Gronkowski would probably still be Gronk, even if another team drafted him. Still, next to the Holy Trinity, Gronk was the most important piece of the Patriots 2.0 dynasty (making him an apostle?). And without him, we wouldn’t have Gronk Flakes or the Gronk Spike (a move that literally every other football player does, only Gronk does it Gronkier). Also, we wouldn’t have the nickname “Gronk,” which is just fun to say.

…There Would Be Fewer Football Cheating Scandals

Since the Patriots orchestrated both Spygate and Deflategate, I suspect they somehow had a hand in Watergate, too. However, all these -Gates have given Pats fans a persecution complex, which is mildly annoying coming from a fanbase that basically never lost its division in two decades. Speaking of which…

…The AFC East Would Be Far More Interesting

Since 2001, here are the AFC East division winners not named “New England Patriots”:

The 2002 New York Jets
The 2008 Miami Dolphins
The 2020 Buffalo Bills
The 2021 Buffalo Bills (as of last night…woo, go Bills!)

And that’s it. These are the results you’d expect when the varsity team crashes the intramural flag football league.

…People in New England Would Root for Some Other Team

I’m talking about states like Rhode Island, Maine, Delaware, and Massachusetts. Based on proximity, maybe they’d opt for the Giants, Jets, or Bills? More likely, they’d say screw it and become Cowboys fans, because that’s America’s bandwagon team.

But hey, there’s only one thing worse than becoming a Cowboys fan, and it’s this: Becoming an Eagles fan. So, in this instance at least, I’m happy the Patriots exist.

…We Wouldn’t Have the Adele Hype Video

In Week 4 of this year’s NFL season, Tom Brady played the Patriots for the first time since leaving and winning a Super Bowl with the Tampa Bay Bucs. NBC made a video featuring “Hello” by Adele, and the result is magnificent.

It’s one of my favorite pieces of sports content because it hits this incredible cross-section of hype, melodrama, and overblown comedy. And I’m not the only one. My wife enjoys this video so much that she regularly shows it to guests when they visit.

…The Giants Would’ve Been Spared Two Years of Joe Judge

Cool name, bad coach.

Joe Judge became the head coach of the Giants after spending seven season with the Pats. His first year was good. His second…not so much.

My fellow Giants fans will remember the 4-13 record, the consecutive QB sneaks on second and nine and third and 11, and the Washington Post hit piece by Sally Jenkins (the Jenkins article was pretty awesome). Another disappointing two-year stint, another coach fired. Let’s hope Brian Daboll does better.

…The Giants Wouldn’t Have Two of the Greatest Super Bowl Victories of All Time

Look, it’s been miserable being a Giants fan ever since we beat the Pats in Super Bowl XLVI. I can and will live in the past, and that means constantly reminding people that a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my team was competent. So there.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

No matter your opinion on the Patriots, you’ve got to admit, they make sports far more entertaining. But as a guy who married into a family of Bills fans, here’s hoping Josh Allen kicks their asses next week.

Read more from the “World Without” blog series here. And if you want to see a specific topic, email kyle@kyleamassa.com.

The World Without William Shakespeare

December 2, 2021 / Kyle A. Massa

William Shakespeare looking like a boss at his desk

Lately, I’ve been reading Shakespeare to my daughter. Based on the number of times she farts during said readings, Macbeth is her favorite. (She’s one month old, by the way.)

Anyhoo, all this Shakespeare got me thinking…what would the world look like without him? And I don’t mean the conspiracy theory Shakespeare-didn’t-write-his-own-plays thing. I’m wondering how different our lives might be if the Bard never existed.

So, in a world without William Shakespeare…

…Amanda Bynes, Julia Stiles, Channing Tatum, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Heath Ledger Wouldn’t Be Famous

Follow me closely here. Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum starred in the 2006 romantic comedy She’s the Man, a film which kickstarted both their careers. Likewise, Julia Stiles, Heath Ledger, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt rocketed to stardom thanks to their roles in the 1999 romantic comedy 10 Things I Hate About You.

And what do both these films have in common? They’re modern adaptations of Shakespeare’s plays!

She’s the Man is adapted from Twelfth Night and 10 Things I Hate About You is adapted from The Taming of the Shrew, in case you were curious. So, without the plays, we wouldn’t have the movies. Without the movies, we wouldn’t have the star-making performances. And without the performances, we wouldn’t have the stars. That means no Ledger’s Joker in The Dark Knight, no Stiles’s Nicky Parsons in the Bourne films, and no Tatum’s Magic Mike in Magic Mike.

Well, I suppose we’d get along without that last one. But I know my wife would be disappointed.

…We’d Be More Skeptical of People Getting Married After Barely Knowing Each Other

I mean, I suppose we already are skeptical of that. But nobody would rationalize it by saying, “It’s just like Romeo and Juliet!” This means dating shows like The Bachelor wouldn’t exist, and we’d all be better off.

…There’d Be a Hole in Lesson Plans for English Classes

Speaking of Romeo and Juliet, we spent weeks on that play in high school. We also read Julius Caesar. And once I got to college (shoutout to all the Ithaca Bombers) I took an entire class devoted to Shakespeare. Without him, what would all our English teachers do?

They’d probably teach more Steinbeck, which would be terrible for us all. I’d like to thank Will for sparing me that fate.

**…Ray Bradbury’s 1962 Novel Something Wicked This Way Comes Would Need a New Title**

That’s because Ray borrowed the phrase from Macbeth. It’s a far better title than, say, Evil Carnies Attack!

**…The 2011 Disney Film Gnomeo & Juliet Wouldn’t Exist**

To the disappointment of nobody.

…Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” Would be Short a Second Line

That’s because Robert Plant paraphrased Shakespeare’s line “All that glitters isn’t gold” from The Merchant of Venice. Might I suggest “All those wrinkles mean you’re old” as a replacement?

…We’d Be Without Tons of Other Useful Phrases, Too

No more “it’s all Greek to me,” which comes from Julius Caesar, and which is often employed by non-Magic: The Gathering players when Magic players say stuff like, “Tap out, kill your blocker, swing for lethal.”

No more “wild-goose chase,” which comes from Romeo and Juliet. Tough to invent a substitute for that one, since “Uncontrollable pheasant pursuit” just doesn’t have the same ring.

No more “break the ice,” which comes from The Taming of the Shrew. This absence would leave college orientation leaders and first-time Tinder dates bereft of an important concept.

…English Would Have Far Fewer Words

To demonstrate my penultimate point, here’s a brief story for you:

I was undressing in my bedroom, inwardly questioning whether or not my outfit was fashionable, when I heard something downstairs. It wasn’t inaudible, but it was close; a lonely yelping, just on the edge of hearing.

So of course I hurried downstairs, my heart thumping, and when I turned the corner, I saw something obscene: An alligator eating my breakfast. The damn thing must’ve slipped through the open window!

“Well aren’t you nervy?” I growled.

The alligator only shrugged. “I may be jaded, lonely, and even a little zany. But at least I’m not totally worthless—unlike that outfit you’re wearing. I don’t mean to be a critic, but really, honey. Hey, do you have any skim milk?”

Look, I know alligators can’t shrug or speak, and they might be lactose-intolerant. But that’s not the point of this exercise. Here’s the same story again, minus the words widely credited to Shakespeare:

I was _____ in my _____, inwardly _____ whether or not my outfit was _____, when I heard something _____. It wasn’t _____, but it was close; a _____ _____, just on the edge of hearing.

So of course I _____ _____, my heart thumping, and when I turned the corner, I saw something _____: An _____ eating my breakfast. The damn thing must’ve slipped through the open window!

“Well aren’t you _____?” I growled.

The _____ only shrugged. “I may be _____, _____, and even a little _____. But at least I’m not totally _____—unlike that outfit you’re wearing. I don’t mean to be a _____, but really, honey. Hey, do you have any _____ _____?”

He also invented the word “puking,” which I’m grateful for.

…We’d Be Missing Some Stellar Insults

I’ve never called anyone an “elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog,” but someday I might need to.

…The World Would Be Far Less Interesting

Thank you, William Shakespeare, for all the plays, phrases, insults, and more. The world could’ve done without The Bachelor franchise, but to borrow a phrase from you, all’s well that ends well.